A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm in need of some advice on a man I'm in a relationship with. We have only been together officially for just over a month and were dating only just under a month before then. We fell for each other pretty quickly and have told each other we love each other. However I'm a bit unsure about his character, I think he could be a bit selfish and possibly a bit controlling. These are only feelings that pass sometimes, most of the time I see all the good qualities he has - affectionate, loyal, loving but I cant help but notice that he makes decisions to come over or for us to go somewhere without questioning if I want to and presumes that what he wants I will settle with. He generally says things like 'I'll come over at 4' where I reply 'I haven't invited you yet' playfully, or 'that's okay, I wont make you go because I get it etc..' where 'I wont make you go' rings in my head afterwards in which I reply 'You wouldn't be able to 'make me go 'anyway'. I give playful responses but worry about these qualities. He has also been in a bad relationship before where his ex has cheated and hurt him badly - I mention this as I also see him hesitating to show vulnerability sometimes and waiting for my reassurance before doing so. These are all issues that have appeared early in our relationship that I had seen coming from dating him but hadn't considered to be of great importance. I know that nobody is perfect, they good be harmless things, I love him, I know he hates confrontation and I know that I shouldn't have these worries this early on. However I want to be open minded and as objective as possible about this relationship. Should I be worrying? I am happy with him generally, how should I handle him? leaving him isn't an option just yet.Please help me know how to figure out if these are serious issues or just simply little bits of his character that I dislike and can handle.Thank you.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 At this point, no I don't think you should worry but I do think you should adopt a more matter of fact and assertive manner. Cheerful and at times playful, yes, but cute, coy and giggly, no. It gets real old real fast, it doesn't inspire anyone's confidence and it often results in you not getting what you want because people don't take you seriously.
I know you're only 16-17 and a lot of this will come with time and experience, but it would help you to be more aware of it now.
It doesn't sound like this is an issue yet, but in case it becomes one I'll mention it now. When a guy makes rules for a girl it is not a sign of his strength and protectiveness but of his weakness and fear. Your parents make rules for you but those are designed to keep you safe. They feed you, clothe you and provide all of your necessities and nearly all of your luxuries. Your boyfriend does not have the experience, the responsibility of taking care of you nor the resources to justify his making rules for you. The minute he tries, you set him straight.
No guy your age (or even a little older) will be any more an expert on sex and relationships than you are, regardless of how much experience he claims to have. So don't fall into the trap of deferring to what you think is his better judgement. He may be decisive and he may have had a girlfriend and be your first boyfriend, but he is no smarter than you are. So don't be talked into doing things or putting up with things that don't seem right to you. And don't feel obliged to explain yourself.
These are common things I hear and read about with young couples. They might never be an issue for you and if not, great, but better to be armed and not need it than need it and not have it.
He's been hurt. Really. So have you. So has everyone else. And guess what? He'll be hurt many more times in life. So will you. So will everyone else. And you know what else? He'll get over it and enjoy many successes in life. So will you. So will everyone else. Do you see where I'm going here? He doesn't get a free pass and his opinion doesn't mean more just because he's been hurt. No special treatment.
There is no pressing need for him to show vulnerability. That in itself is not a litmus test for sincerity. Con men use 'vulnerability' to dupe innocent people all the time. If he chooses to keep his feelings close to the vest that is his choice and a perfectly reasonable one.
There is nothing about your post that raises red flags for me. So I don't think you need to worry, but it is good to be aware.
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