A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met my boyfriend in the aim chatrooms May'07.He stays in Northern Cali and I stay in Southern Cali.We flirted but never intended or thought it would be more.Then it became more than ims but phone calls and then we decided to be more.When we started off it was rough for me he jus got out of a 3 year relationship in Nov '06 and was engaged to be married in June'07.He always compared me to her and wanted to argue about just anything but I never gave up because I knew he was better than that deep down.We decided to meet eachother in Dec.'07 so I saved up and flew out to see him.I did everything he asked but my flight was tiring and a disappointment because it was delayed for hours.I never been on an airplane or that faraway from home family and friends and didn't realize it until I arrived there.When I got there I didn't greet him as we expected I was angry and tired all at the same time.Unsettled emotions of how he treated me over the phone spoke for itself in my actions I couldn't hide it.He was angry because I didn't tell him so he took everything the wrong way.Our weekend together was wonderful but unspoken words were the problem.Finally the last night I asked him how did he feel about me?because we were together the whole weekend and didn't have sex at all.We just cuddled rubbed on eachother and kissed.It was just weird because that's all he talked about before I came.I didn't ask him about it but he said he couldn't answer me about how he felt so I was pissed.The next morning before my flight home I told him we shouldn't see eachother if he doesn't know how he feels because I know what I want.Then he broke down and cried he always said he doesn't cry for anyone not even his ex he only cried for his dad when he passed.He couldn't believe how hard he was crying and then he told me if we just met and were friends he wouldn't want to be more than that.I'm not like his exes I'm so laidback different from them.He felt like it was hard to make me laugh or smile.But it was untrue as I told him I was smiling and laughing a lot when we out together I just felt like he was trying too hard at times.I told him we can be just friends if he wanted to but he didn't.He said it was different over the phone with me I was different.I told him over the phone or in person I'm still a laidback loving giving and caring person I'm no different.He left me confused and then he brought his ex up he had visited her 2 weeks ago when she had gallstones and she just messed his head up.He said I shouldn't have let him see her but I couldn't stop him when he did.He said if I did we shouldn't be together.I told him this too but he didn't listen.She said what they had was puppylove all about sex really.It just bothered me that he wanted to be with me after saying all these things and still didn't know how he felt about me.So in the end I just took it all as a miscommunication between us because we're still together today.We are better than before and the ex is never brought up anymore.Its just that we still have a long distance relationship and my question is Why did he act like that?Did he and his ex still have a lowkey relationship going on when all this was happening?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx ChiRaven you are right on the money I felt the same way about everything I just wanted someone else's opinion to see if I was right.He has changed so much the ex has been out of the picture for a long time now.Its only about us now and he treats me like I always knew he would in time.We plan on him coming down to stay with me soon and next year we might get married if we feel ready to do so.I started to have a strong relationship with God since this year started.He got involved and that has helped our long distance relationship more.He goes out with family now as before he would lock himself in the house.He's much happier with himself as he exercises at a gym now due to my encouragement.Before he didn't want to exercise and he gained a lot of weight with his ex because she wanted his body to be soft.Luckily, we met because his health was at risk he had severe gout in April due to his weight.Now he's getting better with the exercising.He's never felt so good about himself in awhile and it shows because he's so loving to me.He just got a sleeve tattoo of my name and all.I'm very happy with how things been between us.Its been a year and about two months for us so far and I can't wait to see what's to come.Its all about communication and with love,trust and also faith we can get very far.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): if he compares you to his ex, then he is most likely not over her.
find someone who won't compare you. But instead enjoy your uniqueness or the fact that you might have similiarities but the differences are what make you even better (^_^)
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Lots of issues here Let's see if we can break them down a little.
First, the ex. He obviously is not completely over her yet, although it seems quite likely that he is sincere in wanting to move on beyond her and establish something close with you. She is still haunting him, inside, and all too often that manifests itself in his external behavior. It is quite likely that time will heal this. You should encourage him to let her go, when the subject comes up. I don't think you bringing it up is a good idea, though. You don't want to appear to be pushing on the subject. Besides, the less he thinks about her, the better.
Second, there's the trip. That's just a big "oops" from start to finish. I trust you've let him know that most of what happened was the result of your inexperience with travel and how wearing it was on you. Be sure he realizes that you had no clue that you would be hit as hard as you were by the problems you faced on the trip. Then tell him that it's the kind of thing that the two of you can have a good laugh about in the years to come, and let go of it.
Third there is the problem of the long distance relationship. Those take lots of work ... I know because my current girlfriend lives six hours away and there is no airline service between here and there. You are going to have to weigh the pros and cons of such a relationship in your mind. They are usually only worth the bother if you really have deep feelings for the other person and/or have some idea that you might actually end up together someday. Consider: are you thinking that one of you might eventually move so you would be together? The long distance thing is OK for a while, but it's not something that is going to be sustainable over the long haul. When you're young there are just too many temptations and problems involved with it for it to go on for a really long time (years) at a distance.
Oh, there is one other circumstance under which a long distance relationship can work, and that's if you REALLY like to travel. But I think we can eliminate that in this case.
So you're probably right. In the end what you have is a big case of miscommunication. You need to see if the two of you can open up better communications channels. Keep working on those skills. Be honest. Don't hold back. And good luck.
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