A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My name is Natalie, I am 21 years old and have been seeing this guy for almost 7 months now. When we first started dating, he made it very clear that he only wanted 'fun' and didn't want anything too serious. My initial thought was that it was going to be a '2 weeks of nothing but sex' thing. But 7 months later, we are still together, been on a few dates to the cinema and out for drinks, yet he still does not want a proper relationship with me. I'm really down about it because I know he finds me attractive, he tells me this, so what's the big deal? We had a talk a couple of months back during which I got upset, he was considerate and listened, but still reminded me that he does not want a proper relationship. However, he gets jealous sometimes and there have been moments where he has questioned me as to why I have two phones (when he walked into my kitchen and saw that I had another phone on the side, the phone that died one night when he came to my flat and he obviously forgot about that and jumped to conclusion), when he knows I've hung out with several of my male friends and has questioned me a lot about exes or past relationships/sexual encounters. He's also acted differently since I started reading the Fifty Shades trilogy, though still denies he is jealous. He knows how I feel about him and we had an agreement from the start that we commit only to each other. But why, if we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, are we still having 'fun' after 7 months? Also, he doesn't always come round for just sex! He comes just purely for my company, to chill and even when he knows I'm on my period and we can't. We spend most of the time at my flat where it is nice and private for us, but we have been on a few dates. I can't understand what his intentions are. He clearly cares about me, but why doesn't he want me to be his girlfriend? Am I doing something wrong or does he just have committment issues? He did say the classic 'it's not you, it's me' when we had that talk 2 months ago. But once I backed off from him a about a week or so due to hurt, I felt that he was hesitant to call me, but still wanted to know if I was ok. I'm still very confused as to where we're at, because HE is the one suggesting that we still see each other and HE is the one constantly saying 'I'll see you soon'. He's recently just come back from 2 weeks in Portugal (he's Portuguese) and the last person he saw before he left was me and almost immediately the first person he saw when he returned was also me. Before he left he said 'I'll see you in 2 weeks, and it'll fly by, it'll fly by' as though reassuring me but also himself. Though at times he puts up his defensive 'I still don't want a relationship' streak. It's very hard to figure out and especially with my feelings for him developing more and more so, I desperately want to be his girlfriend. I am trying everything I can to let him know that I adore him and would never do anything to hurt him, but I just feel he doesn't quite realise just how serious I am, and has no idea just how incredible he really is. I'm concerned that I may be doing something wrong or that he might have committment issues. Another thing that worries me, he prefers brunettes, I am blonde. Does that have anything to do with it? Surely not if he still finds me attractive and even so after 7 months! I really don't know what to do and I'm so scared to talk to him, especially after the last time, I don't want to lose him. What do you think is happening? Can you help me?Thanks,Natalie xx
View related questions:
jealous, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 Natalie, I think he probably does have feelings for you, but now it's up to you to decide if you're willing to settle for less than a real relationship. He wants the benefits of a relationship, exclusivity and access to sex from you but none of the responsibility. His intentions for coming by when you are on your period are to get a blow job (even if he hasn't had one from you during your period yet) and to keep you occupied so you don't realize you could be out dating other men who are actually interested in an official relationship. Maybe he doesn't want to take you home and introduce you to family, maybe there's a prior commitment, who knows. Whatever the reason, he's not able to be the boyfriend you want and deserve.
Rather than sitting around trying to figure it out, I'm afraid it's time for tough love on your part. Love for yourself and your own future and sanity. Time to end the 'FWB' stuff as that is making you miserable and unhappy. Seriously, life is too short to be treated as booty call, if that's not enough for you.
Decide what YOU want, if he can't/won't provide it, for whatever reason, pull up the big girl panties and say Até a vista....
Or you can stick around for more of the same, which I think will just lead to more feelings on your part and no good resolution.
I would remove the sex from the equation for now. See what effect that has on the friendship. It might be very instructive.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): Do you both agree that messing with other people is strictly prohibited? (dating, looking for, sleeping with, whatever) Then IMO it is a relationship no matter what you try to call it.
But the commitment has to be spelled out loud, not just "we both know it but we don't say it". If he assures you that he doesn't have anyone else but he technically reserves the right to look for someone else, then look out for trouble. You may eventually find out that he has been seeing someone else behind your back. He may be using the non-relationship label as a technicality to hide behind.
...............................
A
male
reader, kimostuff  +, writes (2 August 2012):
 In my opinion , you have only 2 options:Talk to him again .. say to him that you are not comfortable with the relationship in this situation, say to him that you like him and adore him and want it to be serious , say to him how you think about your relationship seriously ... talk to him frankly ... and ask him to answer you frankly.Maybe he would answer you with a convincing answer.. maybe he is afraid of a serious relationships where there are more commitments ... try it.Or you just continue like that if you are afraid to lose him.But If I were you ... I would take the first option ...as I think it would be painful to me that I would like to move the relationship to a higher level and can't because my partner doesn't want to.
...............................
|
