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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi everyone. I would really, really appreciate any help anyone could give.This is a problem that has been bothering me for a while. I hope I can get some advice here, because I feel too weird approaching my friends about it and I don't know how objective their opinion is.I've been having insecurities about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend/fiance (they were informally engaged) for some time now, and I have no idea if I am overreacting or if I'm justified in this. This story is long, sorry for the length of it but I don't know how else to explain everything.Their backstory is: They started dating when he was 15 and she was 19. They dated for five years, then she dumped him but they remained "best friends" and hung out every day. He still wanted to get back together with her, but after a year he tried to move on with his life and started dating another girl, but hid the fact from his ex to not hurt her. After about six months of dating her, his ex found out he had a girlfriend and decided she wanted to get back together with him. He initially refused because he didn't want to get hurt again, but she convinced him it would be different this time and they would get married when they got back together. He ended up dumping his current girlfriend and got back together with her. He admitted he did some things with his ex while he was dating the other girl, like letting her kiss him and turning down going out with his gf to hang out with his ex, but says he never cheated. Anyway, after they got back together they made plans to get married but she ended up cheating on him and dumping him six months later. She said he was still her best friend and wanted to stay friends, but he didn't want to because she cheated on him so they're not friends any more. He still sees her mother every week or so though.I met him a year and a half later after this happened, he was still obviously very scarred and heartbroken by the experience. Since we hung out in a group of friends before we started dating, he talked about her constantly, alternating between how heartbroken he was and how she was the perfect woman no one could ever measure up to and how she was a manipulative bitch. He also had a huge grudge against women in general, and kept saying how they were all cheating bitches, etc, yet at the same time saying he could never date anyone else because no one could ever measure up to how wonderful his ex was. After we started dating, I thought the talk about the ex would decrease, but he kept talking about her constantly and how heartbroken he was by her. He admitted he had baggage because he was afraid to be hurt but said he had no feelings for her. Sometimes he talked about stuff which I could understand (travel experiences), but other times were out of line I thought (when we would be fooling around, he would compare our experiences with theirs.) He also made constant comparisons between me and her and every time a song came on that reminded him of her, he would tell me. He also would go out with his guy friends and complain about how badly his ex treated him, and make comments about how all women were bitches while we were dating. After he saw some old photographs of her from his brother's album he started crying about how much she hurt him. He also has two drawers full of stuff from her which he absolutely refuses to throw out. I am okay with the photographs because they are from travel (they travelled through Australia for a year and Mexico for several months), but I don't understand the need to keep all the love letters and photos not from special ocassions. He also has a birthday card she gave him propped on his desk which he claims he has there because he likes the cover. He says he doesn't want to throw away the letters because he wants to save the memories.About six months into our dating, I made clear to him I was tired of all the talk about his ex and he pretty much stopped, except for indirect references to their travelling. (He has a double standard though, he won't let me talk about anything of other guys I previously dated.) He did say that he thinks first loves are magical and you never forget them, but says that "objective circumstances" are the reason why our first year was not as special as him and his ex's first year (after we started dating, he had mono for six months, and then was injured in a car accident). He also said he had fewer responsibilities and stress in his life back then which is why he has so many more “special” memories with her (we both have too much going on in our jobs to even take a weekend getaway).Anyway, we have been dating now for a year and a half, and I still can't shake this insecurity. I think it's hard knowing that the girl was the one who left him, not the other way around, and that if she hadn't dumped him he probably would have been married to her by now. He admitted that he wasn't ready when we first started dating to date again but he is now. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm just like the other girl he started dating after his ex dumped him but dumped shortly after his ex decided she wanted him back, and that the only reason we're together is because his ex has moved on and is engaged. I also sometimes see similarities between me and this other girl he dated after her (both of us were younger, liberal, outgoing and in law school while his ex is older, conservative, shy, and was a high school drop out at the time they were engaged). He admitted that he has issues with the fact that he thinks I'm intelligent and ambitious and that one of the things he liked about his ex was that he could teach her a lot of stuff because she wasn't very smart.I still feel all these insecure emotions that I know are irrational. For instance, I've become obsessed with finding whatever I can about her. I googled her and looked up posts she made on message baords, she took a university class with me last semester and I kept trying to find her, and I asked mutual friends about what she was like. I snuck into his photo album and looked at pictures of her and now I can't get the images off my mind.I'm also obsessed with competing with her, even though I know it's totally stupid. This also makes me feel inadequate, because the two of them shared experiences I know we will never be able to experience, like travelling the world together for two years (we are both in professional careers and don't get much time off). I also compare things he did for her versus me. I got upset when he told me he bought he flowers every day for the five years they were together (he has gotten me flowers about twice in our dating period). He also bought her tons of gifts and jewelry, and spent thousands on her birthday (he spends about $100 on mine and never buys gifts for no reason). He says it was because he was foolish with money back then and had less financial responsibilities. He also said he took time off school to travel with her (he won't take any vacation time for me) because he had fewer obligations. I also have stupid personal competitions with her..She's one of those girls who can make perfect handmade cards and placemats and scrapbooks and I try to make mine look as nice as hers, even though I've never been that type of girl.There is also stuff they had that I know we can't ever have, like the closeness of their families and friends. They had all mutual friends (most of our friends hate each other) and their families got along so well her mother bought a house in the same neighbourhood as his so they could have dinner together every day. Both him and his ex’s family are Francophone Canadian which have very strong solidarity (I'm Asian so there is a cultural clash and our families don't get along).The few mutual friends we have tell me that I'm much better than his ex and that his ex was ugly, but I'm not very reassured by this, because the other girl he was dating that he dumped for his ex was extremely attractive and smart, and he still dumped her. I don't personally think his ex is very pretty but before we started dating he told me that he thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world, so obviously he thinks she was.I guess another reason why I feel this way is because I never dated anyone seriously before him and don't have this kind of baggage. Sometimes I wish I had just so we could be "even" and then maybe I wouldn't feel this sway.The reason why this came up now is that a week ago we ran into his ex's best friend at the opera. He was mad at me at the time over something else and introduced me as his friend. He said he did it because he was angry, but I can't help thinking he did it so that his ex's best friend won't tell her he has a new girlfriend.He doesn’t talk about his ex now unless I bring her up but I don’t know if that’s just because I told him that it upsets me. He claims he doesn't have any feelings for her.Anyway, I know I sound completely crazy. I just need some objective advice here - my friends think he's still in love with his ex and I should dump him but they don't like him, so I don't know how objective they are. I think he was in love with her when we first started dating, but I don't know if he is any more. Even if he isn't, the fact he was when we were first dating still bothers me. Also he might still be in denial. I know he told the other girl he was dating that he was over his ex and then he ended up dumping her to get back together with her. I don't know what to do, or to make this insecurity go away, or if it's justified or not.Sorry for the length of this, I tend to be long-winded!
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ambition, best friend, engaged, ex girlfriend, flowers, get back together, got back together, heartbroken, his ex, insecure, money, move on, neighbour, period, shy, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, s46  +, writes (29 July 2010):
Dear, you should ask yourself what is your benefit in this particular relationship. It is him that is insecure, or, more likely it is a game of attracting his ex and her attention. All that you wrote sounds like no healthy relationship at all. The longer you are in that position the weaker you are. Mine point of view is that one can always learn something useful from any relationship. But if you experience just pain and insecure, that I call a very bad trip.
I used to behave like a "hunter" when I was younger, but I always adored women that I have been with. Hunting is a sport and feelings are very serious issue. Once again you have to rethink, deeply, your feelings. Do not be afraid to get hurt emotionally. I think there is a lot of sincere love in you... You will get over for sure. There is a sunshine just over the next corner... ALWAYS!
A
female
reader, cwin +, writes (13 January 2006):
i dont think your crazy or wat ur feeling is so wrong. i have been in my current relationship for just over 23 moths now and am expecting a child with him into the 24th month. he has been in a couple of serious relationships, 1 for anot 18 months and another on and of for abt a yr. i no he has baggage and not anyone would be able to forget about a past relationship.
i feel so insecure because now that the telationships are in the past he can preceive them how he wants and remember all the good things. with me, we have been arguing a bit lately and i feel like all he thiks of is the bad stuff about our relationship becoz its happening right now and that he might not think or remember abt all the gud things we've done and got.
i am so jealous and insecure about everything and i hate it. i wish it would all go away and stop affecting me but i dun no how. i feel like im stuck in a hole and theres nothing there to get me out. i can only try to not think about it or go to slep to stop irational thoughts comming into my head. i no its stupid but is it really and if its so stupid y do i feel like dis a lot?
i must admit, we did have about a 2-3week break once or twice but we were still"friends" you caould say, with "favours and pleasures" he thought i was fucking his best friend coz his best friend had the hots 4 me and i was totally oblivious to the signals he was sendung me, as obvious as they were they were real obvious to my bf. i went 4 a drive with him a couple of imes and 4 some stupid reason went to the driveins. NOTHING happened and i told him abt it the next day. the day after that was a monday n i had school, i went 4 a drive with his friend that afternoon and i told him i couldnt see him so much because it looked like something it wasnt, n wen i got hm my b/f had packed up all his stuff and he sent me a mesage saying, you had your chances and ill give the rest to you(a tv) for the $40 i owe you. he didnt wana talk to me until he was ready. he was the first guy i had got seriously intimate with and had had a miscarriage with him, this made thibgs a lot harder, bcoz i hadnt delt wit issues as big as withg him. we started to talk and see eachother after a week or so but he was rude to me. he was nice wen he wanted somethin then wen he got it he took off.
i new he had done this to girls as he'd told me (we knew eachother in primary school and had secret crushes on each other so we were friend and talked about this kinda stuff, so wen we started going out i told him that just coz ur not supposed to talk to your gf about stuff like that i was still his friend too)
anyway, we got together 1 night and talked, well cried and got everything out in the open, the night b4 i found out that he fucked "a friend" of mine who i was weary of coz she was a slut. they did it after we broke up but we were still "attatched" (she told me at school and i had tears rolling down my face in home group, i stayed at school and went home feeling like it was the worst day of my life (my dad flew to tazmania that morning because his mum died) that night i was so upset and pissed off that his friend came over to comfort me. earlier that day i sent my "bf" a msg saying i thought he had morals etc and he hurt me, he calles up while his friend was there and he made me more upset wen he called. wen he hang up i burst into tears and his friend comforted me. no one ever comforted me b4 only my b/f, i was overwhelmed and i stupidly slept with him, straight after i wanted to die, it was wrong and i felt ill. the next day i was out and he called and confessed that he had had sex with her b4 that, i asked wen and he said a night that we went out and he went for a 3hr walk withher, i had my suspicions but thought i shold have trusted him so i kinda left it, and he claims he did it coz he was angry at me 4 bein a bitch to him and her that night and thought i fucked his best friend. everscince i dont no how to trust him. being 8 months pregnant doesnt h elp becoz i feel so unattractive.
b4 me and my b/f went out he hooked up wit my friend at an underage nightclub, we (my friend me and him) dirty danced to gether he wanted to hook up wit me but at the time i thought it was arkward coz id previously hooked up with 1 of his friends a yr b4. so him n my friend were seing eachother and she wasnt allowed to aand was gona break it off. 1 day we were having a water fight (about 10 ppl) and went bak to mine, she left and he was talkin to me about primaryschool, he kissed me, i pulled away but he did it twice more, i called her to tell her but she was out, he told her and we started going out. me and my friend are real gud friends again n i still wana cry 4 wat happened wen i think abt it, they r friends 2 and they talk, i no he loves me n we r friends but just coz there was something there i feel un easy sometimes. we were talkin to her on msn last night and i fell asleep, at the end of there conversation he said he kinda wish she didnt have to go, he forgot how nice it was talking to her and he remembers wen they used to talk till they fell asleep, they were only seeing eachother 4 a couple of weeks but i feel like he would rather be with her coz he's remembering goodthings and telling her.im i stupid and if so, for what, being in love, going back to hi, not picking up signals from his friend or being uneasy, paraniod/jealous and insecure? i just dont know how to feel any more!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): Dear, you don't sound crazy..never devalue your feelings and instincts..they are there to protect you. this has got to be sheer hell for you. Love should never feel this way but it is a risk and you have taken one heck of a risk, on this guy and all his baggage. You obviously have permitted your heart and emotions to overrule what is best for 'you'. It's time to use your head now, dear. You have tolerated this way too long. Sometimes the "fear" of losing someone causes us to tolerate BS and do things that makes us feel painfully small and insignificant. If he knows that you are upset and feeling insecure about the ex-girlfriend and not making the genuine efforts to get rid of her stuff, her pictures etc...and continues to hurt you in this way anyhow, doesn't this gives you an enormous amount of information about his character and his committment to you?
Why are you just settling for this? It's as if your fears & insecurities have caused you to lose your confidence and your trust in judging the reality of this situation. There are some tough boundaries here that need to be drawn. You need to draw boundaries about the kind of connections you will permit in your love relationships and he needs to learn to say goodbye to his past and this ex-girlfriend. It is time for you two to have a very serious talk. These boundries should have been in place, right off the start.
Remember, when ever you choose love, you are also choosing loss. Love is a huge risk. He needs to be told that "once he acknowleges and accepts the past as the past...it's only then he can step into the future with you" No rationalizations or excuses should be allowed. It's now an either/or situation. You are his present-she's his past..he needs to choose. It's a risk, but whatever happens as a result of his choice-you will certainly know more about yourself than you did before. Absorb the life lesson and take responsibility for your part in this relationship and how it played out. If he chooses his past..then walk away because you never had his love in the first place and you won't be losing much, anyway. You will grieve..you will be sorrowful. Mend you heart over time and instead of closing off your heart, expand it. But above all, through all this..have compassion for yourself. Just give yourself a sense of personal power and choose to learn from all this. I wish you the best dear..you are in a tough spot. Take care and be strong and believe in yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): I read your story with great disbelief..i feel just like you do and i thought i was acting weird and being a freak towards my boyfriend. To be honest i dont think my situation is a bad as yours but little things are the same. I have not been with my boyfriend for long but we hit of straight away and i love him very much. However my relationship before him was a complete disaster, it lasted for 15 months and i dont even know how it lasted that long..to cut it short he was a pot head! He treated me like a piece of crap but i put up with it, and in the end i got so fustrated i ended up cheating on him, my life from that day on changed. I lost my friends and found an amazin friend that had been there all my life but we'd never really done anything together. I started college and met new people just everything changed. I met my boyfriend at one of his gigs..we kissed, exchanged numbers and i thought that would be it. I couldnt stop thinking about him the next day, we had sooooo much in common and he was just amazin. Anyway we soon started meeting up and in one conversation we brought up exes. He told me how he'd been with his ex for 2 and a half years and how she unexpectedly dumped him, he made it pretty clear that it still hurt, but at the time i wasnt to bothered because i did know if we'd start dating. Any way few weeks down the line we started dating and through endless chatting his ex would be brought up. I asked him if he was over her and there was a pause...he said no not yet. at this time we'd only been dating for like 3 weeks but this is when my 'obsession' like yours started. When i went round to his house there were things in his room from her, when i split with my ex i didnt feel the need to keep anything from him. I didnt say anything because we hadnt been going out for very long. He showed me her myspace profile because i wanted to see what she looked like, when we went on her pictures he told me he didnt want to look because it bought back to many memories..fair enough but i still got wound up. Since that day i still go on her profile, i dont know why because it makes me imagine them together and i feel so ugly compared to her even though friends have said 'she has nothing on you' After about two months of dating i was in his room and found a book. It was a book from her with loads of notes and drawings in. It made me so upset that he'd still got it out and i had to tell him. He said he'd 'put it away'. I found out he has a massive collection of her stuff piled away but i didnt feel i could say anything. Just the other day i brought up why dont you throw it away. He says theres to many memories that he cant part from...but i know he loves me but surely there must be some feelings for her if he cannot part from her stuff? he just tells me i'm being stupid and i dont have anything to worry about because its me he wants to be with. He's told me they wanted to be together forever, they talked about marriage and kids etc..So i just think like you do, if she hadnt have broke up with him they'd still happily be together. Sorry for rambling on but i just want you to know that i feel just like you do, i get very jealous, i dont like my boyfriend having his exes stuff. i dont think your overeacting. However i know in my heart that my boyfriend does love me and that he doesnt want his ex i just get so paraniod and compare myself to his ex. You need reasurance from your man, i get that from mine and it seems like you dont. But i want you to know your not overeacting, but your question on how do you stop the insecurities..i dont know but i wish i did! I know this probably hasnt helped but i needed to get it all of my chest :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): I would perhaps try and talk to him about it. Say that all that stuff of hers is making you uncomfortable. Tell him that you ensure that he doesn't feel jealous or uncomfortable by talking about your exes or keeping all the stuff they gave you.
Perhaps maybe it might be an idea to even suggest a bit of a break from each other to see if his feelings for you are real.
I know this doesn't totally answer your question but hopefully it helps a little
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