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female
age
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*mj
writes:my husband of 10 years had sex with our next door neighbour. he had told me he was attracted to her. neither of us could understand why because she really is not at all attractvive in any way.on my birthday he came home and told me they had just had sex. he was very sorry and promised it would never happen again. i asked him if he had enjoyed it and he said it was the best sex he had ever had, but he kept promising it would never happen again.we made love and i came as he described to me what had happened between them. i feel sick now when i think about this.after a few weeks he told me about other things he would have liked to have done to her. i then encouraged him to have sex with her again. i don't honestly know why i did this -partly because i got turned on and mostly because i knew he would do it anyway and i think i wanted to know when.he came home after having sex with her and said he had done everything he had wanted to do but that he felt sick and never wanted to go near her again.we made love together after this and both of us came speaking about what had gone on next door. what happened makes us both feel sick and we can't understand why it can also turn us on so much.please help us.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): I think there could be a possibility that the way you arehandling his betrayal and the hurt you must have felt originally about his affair with the neighbour is something like shock? You are distancing yourself to handle the fact that he wants to sleep with other women. Simple as that. It might be like watching a porno between the two of you. I think however that you are really a bit mixed up and you should be ready for a "crash" in your emotional state. The reason you feel sick is because it is sickening behaviour and you now feel like you have condoned your husbands character traits which are not something to be proud of. If this is not who you are, then you need to deal with that. You husband has done a brilliant job in justifying and getting you to feel okay about this. I think he has played you beautifully!Good luck, I think you might need it soon!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): I'm sorry but that is disturbing. Are you sure he actually feels sick about it, or he's just saying that because you said that's how you feel & he doesn't want to upset you because you're letting him cheat after all?? Would he get turned on by you screwing someone else? Why don't you go out & cheat on him, then the next time you're having sex tell him the details. I feel it is only fair!
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reader, Sandman  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 Simply put, you too are turned on with the the "taboo" of the experience. It's so wrong, it's so not what's supposed to happen between husband and wife - but the raunchiness of it gets you turned on. That's what I'm coming up with.
However, this is a very dangerous game of cat and mouse you and your husband are playing. He's cheating, and you're letting him, and there are no consequences except that once it's over, you both feel "sick" and don't want it to happen again.
Now that you've set the precedent that it's okay as long as you know about it, he might start having sex with more and more women and telling you the details about it over sex with you - expecting that you'll be forever okay with it because you let him do it once before. If this is something you DEFINITELY don't want to happen, you need to set the rules the game NOW and let him know that although you are turned at the thought of him being with another woman, you don't want it happen again and only want him to make love to you.
There's always fantasy. He can describe what he MIGHT do to another woman while making love to you. He's not actually cheating, but describing what he would do "If he did it" (shameless OJ 'stab' - dammit, I did it again!) :-)
I personally believe that making love only occurs between a husband and wife. But you two need to decide for yourselves what is and what isn't acceptable in your marriage.
Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): hey, if you guys are still in love, awesome, let it just empower you that you overcame that. It just shows honesty between you two. I mean, if you guys are really like that, it's a unique love and it's a rare trust. Not a lot of guys could come home and say that and not a lot of women would respond like that. My advice is just keep going forward, and continue to tell each other of urges, maybe to prevent future action that would make you feel sick again.
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