A
female
age
51-59,
*elpmomo
writes:Hello, would be great if you could share your thoughts and possibly give some advice.I'm 36 years old, married my husband 39 for 3 years and half. we've known for 6 years and have a wonderful daughter who is 19month.I thought l had a great husband and family even though we fought some time.a month ago, he asked me to go for marriage counselling and we went.ended up he was telling me that he was having double life since last Feb.He went to massage parlor once when I was away to my country for 6 weeks and he felt so bad that cried hard.I found out what he had serching in the internet- like blow job, massage, places and so on.I confronted to him if he had cheating on me, he denied 100%, so l believed him. that was last April.that time he told me that he is going to SAA meeting but l thought all guys curious to go thoes places.but he was telling me after that, May and June, he gone crazy going thoes places and even had inter course 3 times.then he managed to stop.but looking for another thing like finding someone on craigslist. but he thought that is cheating.then last Sep. he joined dating site in south asia. He thought that is harmless but he met more than 2 girls and sent gifts for one of them including a ring.but for the other girl, he bought a airplain ticket.that was mid of Dec.so the counsellor we saw, he was seeing her for 6 weeks with not my knowledge that time, forced him to bring me to the counselling and do the disclosure.but counselor asked him to tell me just the massage parlor part first.after that, l was cold to him, not knowing what to do but still had hope we can work things out somehow.then l found out he was chatting with someone online, l was mad and he moved out.He is in AA for over 10 years and he was saying one day at the time.knowing he could do it, l still had hope.after some talk, he finally cancelled his ticket end of last year.but yesterday l found out he bought another ticket to go to another country just after he cancelled the ticket.he looked and acted sincere to me and l'm easy to trust person.since we have a daughter togerther, l thought l would try but counsellor told me l need a good lowyer to sue him.He said he is in recovery and 6month later or some point he wants to come back. (that is because our doctor said at least live apart 6 month )but he isn't going back to the counsellor or doctor.just going to SAA meeting and talking to people from there, and oviestry not really working..I'm afraid to devorce, but l think l should.please please give some advice.Gina, l saw your answers and l really admire you.thank you so much for reading this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, helpmomo +, writes (17 January 2009):
helpmomo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh Gina, thank you so much for responding me with your great advices.
when l was writting mine, you posted for me.
I didn't think the way you said before, I was thinking just for myself and daughter and our future.that's my counselor told me to do.
counselor said to make it simple, don't think about his addiction- cause you don't know that-.
yes l could see he needs help but my Dr. and couselors said to me you didn't cause it, you can't fix it.
but you Gina, you have been through this and made it happened. you could do that cause of your deep compassion to the others.
he was saying, going to thoes massage parlor,prostitudes are already stopped by last June.
he was saying he coulnd't bare to see me and daughter after he came home.
and started doing internet dating thing for another country, he thought harmless.
but then he hooked for 3 months.
his SAA sponser said to him that is cheating, but he didn't really think it was that big deal.
yes he is in AA for over 10 years. so no alchol, drugs, then he drifted to sex addiction- that's what his counselor was saying.
about the blocking internet, in early Dec, he took his "friend" to here for installing something.
after the first counseling, he was saying he was his sponcer from SAA and he came to block thoes site.
so he couldn't do anything including chatting on Yahoo.
then he went to internet cafe he said..
about this air ticket thing, I found out by his master card bill whicn l'm not suppose to open.
lf l say l know by doing this, l think he would do differently next time.
as much as l want to have life with him, l don't want to have this kind of life.
the way he describe his mind situation is this, he is like rocketship going to the moon.
now he started so he can't really stop.
he thinks need to go around to the moon then come back.
just because yesterday was his birthday and l didn't really ask him questions, he felt comfortable l guess.
he started saying l can go to moon and come back quickly.
l don't know why he is going to Hongkong, if he has new women there or meet the same girl from Vietnam.(the first contry he was going)
he mentioned before he wants to go somewhere to think.
but l said, anywhere you go you are you, so you think the same way.
this time l haven't confronted him yet.
because l wanted to see how he lies.
cause l'm easy to trust and whatever he say l trusted.
this time l know he is lieing, so l wanted to see.
lie become bigger and bigger, it's painful to see he is lieing.
he also mentioned about text message thing which he said he stopped.
he was using his work blackberry, so the bill came to his office. his boss came to talk to him, if anything distructing you from work l need to know.
l'm worried if he lose his job- l'm not working and he is paying everything here even though he moved out.
l'm worried the way he use his money right now too.
his mind is insane that using money for airticket instead of his living expenses.
I will tell him that l know about his trip.
thank you so much again Gina for all your advices and time.
A
female
reader, helpmomo +, writes (17 January 2009):
helpmomo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for sharing your thoughts and advices.
yes, he said it started feel frustrated since l got pregnant stages. He didn't really ask or push me to have sex, so l thought he doesn't really want/need one neither.
then his sex addiction started making him act out.
last night, we went to restaurant to discuss our plan for next 2,3 weeks.
I knew he bought an airplain ticket to go to Asia for a week, so the night yesterday l asked him to go to baby class on Saturdays.
He showed me copies of recovery centre and planning to go in there for a week, the week is the week he is planning to go away for Asia.
I pretend that l don't know about his real plan and flow with him.
He is saying he has to do really serious to go back to his nomal life but he still going to Asia.. l don't know for what.
my counsellor was saying he is a lying machine, he is right.
l wonder how long should l pretend l don't know his real plan??
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): Leave him, get a lawyer. He has a problem that he has to deal with. If it was just a one time cheating or something that happened I would say no, but this man bought another woman a plane ticket after having cheated and tried to stop. He is not going to stop, he has lied to you still. He seems sincere because he probably is, but he will do this again.Just move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): I think you need to leave him. How could you possibly trust him again. I know it is painful to do. But it might be more painful to stay with him and constantly wondering whether you can trust him or not.
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