A
female
age
41-50,
*afe
writes:Dear Aunts,I finally met the man I was talking to online, and that was afraid to meet because I am too shy and did not drive. We met in person two weeks ago, and he is the sweetest and most gentleman man I have ever met; he drove the whole time so I did not feel uncomfortable, he cleaned up the kitchen every time after we finished eating, he opened the doors for me everywhere we went, he took his shirt off and gave to me so I was not cold during our walk, he carried my purse when I was tired, he hugged me and touch me with such respect and tenderness that I can explain, but sadly the last night we spend together I caught him on the phone with another woman. That night I got in the shower, while he was on the phone with his bank because someone stole his card and made unauthorized charges, but when I got out of the shower he was outside my apartment and still talking on the phone. I just heard a couple words that did not seem to be directed to a customer services rep, so I got dressed and stock my head out of the door so he would see that I saw him out there on the phone. He stayed outside for a couple minutes and then came in saying that he had to go outside because he could hardly understand what the customer service rep said. I did not say anything about it at that moment, but deepin my heart I felt like something was not right, so when he got in the shower, I took his phone to look up the calls log and the last phone call made was to a woman. I am the type of person that can’t hide how I feel, so when he got out of the shower I confront him and asking who this lady was and why he lied to me; he told me it was a friend of him who checks on his cats back home when he is gone. The thing is; if she was just a friend why could he not talk to her inside my apartment and why he did not tell me that at first instead making up the whole story about not being able to understand the customer service rep. I got really upset and told him that I did not like people to play with me, and I asked him why he came to see me, that if he just came to get laid, and his answer was that he was not even planning on us to have sex, he just wanted to meet me, and that he even took his profile down from the dating website because he really likes me, and wanted to know me better. We cool down and apologize to each other, then we hug, and everything seem to be OK; he even share with me pictures of his family next morning and talked about start looking for a job here to be able move where I live. The thing is that after he left we have only talked on the phone a couple times, and I have only received a couple emails, he is not very affectionate by phone or emails other than saying that he misses me, so I am not sure what to think about this situation; his profile is not listed anymore any more on the dating site, but I feel like if he really likes me, he should call me more often, and would be a little more affectionate, I have called him, but 99% of the time I just get his voicemail, and he said that it is because his laboratory/office (he is a scientist) is located in a basement where he does not have any phone service. Also, I feel like it could be that the woman he talked to on the phone while he was here can be someone else he met through this dating site, but he is just playing with both? He is not married because I run a background check on him before I accept him to come to my house and it did not show it, plus he told me that I should visit him sometime soon, so I do not think he lives with her because otherwise he would not invite me to his house. Please tell me what you my dear aunts think about this situation? Should I give him a chance and continue being patient to see if he improves his communication to continue building a relationship? Or should I just be careful and do not keep my hopes up for him, and maybe start looking somewhere else? I really like him, but I feel like I can trust him after what happen. I really appreciate any advice.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 February 2012):
 Hi mafe,
Perfect advices and you should take all in consideration because everyone here makes sense and gave you good pointers. I just want to address the fact that he's too good to be true, so take things slow... It was only your first date so you shouldn't get too stress about it. Don't get too emotionally attached to him or anybody you meet right away, because you never know and only time can tell. My last advice is that next time you meet someone, no matter what the circumstances are, do not sleep with him right away. Why? It's not about judging your character, but the fun on dating and meeting new people is getting to know each other, and should be fun.... So many things to do, so many things to talk about when you meet someone new and sex is not everything. Trust your gut feeling...
Good luck/best wishes
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Guy sounds like a professional player to me.. everything so perfect, he's so charming, he treats you so tenderly... no mistakes, no awkwardness, just the perfect guy you dreamed about.. like out of the movies. Too good to be true.Then the phone call which is so private he can't let you hear, but it's only to a lady who looks after his cats.. That is a red flag to me and I would have done exactly what you did.No affectionate emails, and they rarely come... to me that sounds like a man living with a woman who can't write nothing down. A scientist who is too busy to call and can never take calls. Nope I don't buy it, nobody is that busy when they is trying to charm a new girl. A smooth guy like that would find a way to make sure he put you at the top of his list. Any guy who is always on voicemail, instantly gets deleted by me. If you can't take and receive calls, then your not available for a proper relationship.Pictures of your family are nice, but prove nothing, how do I know their your family, anyway doesn't prove you aint got a girl. Invitations to your house are lovely, come pick me up tomorrow and come lets go.I don't like too many strange things that don't add up, so I would give this guy a miss unless he could work up a proper reason why he can't call and why he's embarrassed by a woman who looks after his cats.All my instincts shout.. either married, attached, or a guy with many girlfriends on his hands.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): I think you need to have a big long convo with yourself dear.
This was a first face to face meet. YOU invited him to your apartment and had sex. No, you didnt "plan" on it, but reality check...YOU DID. It sounds like you expect that mean a lot more to him and to start showing you his "intentions".
Instead, he is backing away and frankly, you might have caused that yourself. First, you did not observe him long enough to judge if he really IS relationship material. You had a wonderful weekend-sweet and sexy. Take it for what it is and see if he steps forward for anything more.
If you really WANT this man in your life back off now. You had no right to snoop on his phone. That is just plain paranoid. Do NOT pin all your hopes on this guy coming to make all your dreams come true. If he really wants to be with you- he WILL show you, not TELL you.
If it works out..great! If not, please learn from this experience to really get to know a person BEFORE you sleep with them, if you are looking for a long term commitment. It just messes with your head.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Goodness it was your first visit... why can't he have other friends and other interests?
DID you think you were "going steady" after a first date???
He should not have lied
You should not have snooped.
He should have been more up front with you and clarified that you were still at the "getting to know you" stage....
I know that if a person in my building at work does not have a specific phone company for their cell phones they can't make calls in many parts of the building... no coverage so that part of his story might be true....
He should have let you know that he was not planning to be exclusive from the get go... but then a normal adult would not think that you were at a first meeting.
still it's rude to talk to others when on a date... but clearly your date lasted more than a few hours....
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 February 2012):
 it sounded too good to be true at the beginning and he probably loved how it was going perfectly up until the phone call incident.
If he had anything to hide you sure blew him out the water. I agree going outside was curious.
But going through his phone was a liberty too far. I think the tumbling out of excuses: 'the cat carer' v 'the customer service person' v 'another woman' all came in quick succession suggesting a guy who finds very quick excusus roll off his tongue easily.
You possibly did expose his lie way too quickly for him. And your accusatory reaction (re sex) possibly had him backing out the door (emotionally) from then on.
His actions since show less interest,
when one would expect more interest.
I think you have sussed him out accurately, but what if both you and I are wrong?
Try to practise more self control and not blurt out immediately what your 'worst case scenario' surmising represents as your perceived view of the situation. Assumptions can be wrong.
I wonder if you have been very badly hurt or betrayed in the past, that your ability to trust has been badly eroded? Certainly it is a good idea to be cautious, but you also have to back your own good judgement and not jump to conclusions.
There are people in this world who might pass a background check, yet are still total creeps.
You may have lost this guy and he is just rationing contact as he eases away from you. And is being less and less available to you.
Time to get more involved in your local community. Join a community project or interest group.
That way you meet guys as just friends and get to observe them from a distance
And maybe share some activities together before dating.
Yes I think it is time to look elsewhere. But next time try not to reveal your whole hand of cards even before an opening bid. Ah, which suggests another good activity where love can also blossom. Learn to play Contract Bridge (it's a social card game) and join a Contract Bridge club. Thet are always on the look out for new members. And you may find some lovely intelligent nice guys who would like to date you.
And once again don't go in with expectations, only with a relaxed mind and a warm happy face (the latter I imagine you do have) and don't reveal everything about you at the outset. Listen as much as possible.
And work on trusting your own judgements.
Hope things improve soon
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Lying is always not cool, but people who you just met, with no certain future, are entitled to their privacy, so snooping is just wrong. I don't know if you have talked about being exclusive before going on a date. You can filter out men who are not a one woman kind of guy. Lastly, you don't know who that other woman is. It could be a crazy ex who wouldn't let go for years, a needy female friend, a colleague with whom he's working on a secret project, or his mom who is having a difficult problem that he doesn't want to reveal on his first date. Maybe he is telling the truth, that really was his friend taking care of his cats. Maybe that friend was his ex, just friends nothing more but he didn't want to talk about exes on the first date. It could have been courtesy for him to shut off his phone on a date but it's not everybody's habit. If he doesn't contact you anymore, it could mean he doesn't like how you accused him before knowing the truth, and being suspicious so early on.
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