A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, my question is how do i get over my anger towards my ex and regain my shattered confidence. He was separated when we hooked up 6 yrs ago, but assured me that his marriage was over. I was 21 he was 35 and they have one child. Anyways, time passed, we started living together practically, and a year into it, the wife decided she wanted him back when she found out he was seeing me, though they lived in different countries at the time. she started calling him begging and pleading, and i trusted him to do the right thing by her, tell her about me or go back to her. He did neither. He lied to her about me but didn't want her back. Eventually she moved back to our country with the intention of getting him back and started making our lives very difficult, and rightfully so, 'cause this guy was lying and messing her around. She started calling me and begging me, but at the time i thought it was his place to tell her. time passed she was calling me and telling me nasty things he supposedly had said about me etc., and of course he denied denied denied. Eventually i even suggested he give his marriage a chance and i would back off. He said no... begged me to stay. Several times i tried to leave and he begged me not to, he said he did not want her in any way and he was just trying to protect his son by pacifying her... huh??? I was such a retard to stay with him. Eventually everything blew up and in a confrontation he told me to get out of his life, not her. So said - so done. I started seeing someone else my own age a few weeks later 'cause as far as i was concerned this guy was back with his wife and i didnt need this baggage. 2 months later i ran into him and he seemed to be pursuing me again, so i told him i was with someone else and he totally freaked out insulted me every which way. He called me a cheap slut etc. etc. so i went back to him and was actually devasted that i had hurt him so badly, never mind that he had hurt me first!! A few months passed and he started withdrawing from me again, spending loads of time by her. so i got upset and he told me to piss off, that he just wanted to be with his child. then he came back and i went back to him and so it went for 2 yrs. everytime i tried to move on he would pursue me!! crying me down each time. I know this is dumb but i started to believe that he must really have been into me to always pursue. so i let my guard down. It's been a nightmare because ever since i did that the story has turned around and anytime i needed him he was never there for me, i mean i was in the hospital a few months back and he didnt even come to see me!! but he has shattered my confidence with his emotional abuse telling me horrible things, that i was worthless because i was with someone else when he dumped me the first time. He has been nasty to me and completely unkind. he doesnt even apologize anymore. he treats me like crap. but when he needs anything - god forbid i say no. now he is finally going thru a divorce, he is feeling guilty about not trying before with her and lays the blame on me for him pushing his family aside!! So now i am a non entity and everything i thought we had together meant nothing...so he has told me to piss off because i am too involved in the failure of his marriage, so i ask him if he is going to move on and he shouts at me that i am ridiculous to ask that question that he cant be with anybody because he has so much going on with his feelings about his divorce that he doesnt want ANYBODY basically, he cant be anybody's boyfriend, however on top of that i found out he is pursuing some other young girl (the divorce is not even final!!) now and completely ignoring me. When i did ask about him pursuing someone else he blatantly lied!!! and got mad as hell for my asking. I feel a hell of alot of anger towards this guy, and hurt, and my confidence has gone to hell also. Where do i go from here? I feel like a piece of trash that has been thrown out. I gave this guy the best of me and now i am nothing. I even wonder whats wrong with me... like maybe i wasnt pretty enough, or maybe if i had a better body, or if i was more intelligent, or anything better than what i am, cause obviously i wasn't good enough. This girl he is pursuing must be perfect. I am shattered. I've missed days off work because i can't stop crying. Please help me.
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cheap, confidence, different countries, divorce, emotionally abusive, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 July 2008):
 Good for you, keep that in mind.
I would however suggest you get counseling for all that has happened in your past.
Don't think you have to sort this out on your own. You were a victim of multiple rapes and 5 years of emotional abuse just as damaging as phyiscal abuse.
I have no idea what services are available in your corner of the world but try to see if there is something for abuse survivors.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFunny that you should write what you did, cause its like a light has finally gone on in my head today and i kept thinking all day that I DO DESERVE BETTER. And i actually feel like a huge burden has been lifted off of me for the first time in 6 years.... I can be who i really am. The world is at my fingertips and I am free. I've been dragged down by several men since the age of 19 when I was raped. That was how i lost my virginity. And then a male friend drugged and raped me about 2 yrs after that. Then this guy I thought liked me, just used me and dumped me after a month. By then i was a total wreck, so this guy came along and vowed to protect me from men, and he totally convinced me that he loved me over about a year, however progressively becoming emotionally and pyschologically abusive so progressively that i didnt even realize what he was doing. Eventually telling me that i wasnt worth anything because of my past also. That i 'lost points' with everything i shared about my history. He constantly accused me of cheating if i even spoke to another man, be it at work or otherwise. and if a guy hit on me it was obviously my fault that i led them on. and when i stood up for myself to his friends who were hitting on me behind his back he got angry with me!!! never mind he was married the entire time and lying to his wife about me!!! let me tell you this guy did a real number on me, compounded by what happened in my past. however The more the light bulb shines, the more i realize I feel sorry for this girl that he is pursuing. Im glad to be out of that now. A friend of mine told me once, there would come a day that i would wake up and say, enough. And that day is today. I am never going to be like him. And i am not going to let any of the men of my past destroy a beautiful future for me and some nice guy who will love me for me. Thanks so much for your answer. It means so much that a stranger could care so much. All the best to you! and id like to dedicate josh groban's song 'you are loved, dont give up' to you!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (15 July 2008):
A recurring question on this site is by self-proclaimed 'nice guys' who wonder why women always go for the bad boys and only seem to respond when you treat them badly.
Common response is that this is just not true, that women go for decent guys if they get a chance and then you come along and ruin it all.
My god girl, what the hell happened in your past to make you such a doormat? The sex better be amazing to put up with all of this for so long.
I have no idea what is wrong with you, perhaps lack of proper role-models when you grew up? Could it be that you somehow think this is normal behavior?
We all know men think with their balls, this is true but more important we men KNOW IT. So we are aware that our actions when it comes to women are not always the smartest.
Women on the other hand are not raised to question their motivations in relationships. For that matter, women are rarely raised to be responsible for their actions. Do you feel that YOU and ONLY you are to blame for everything that has happened OR is it all his fault? Because the first is correct, you can only be used if you let it happen. 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'. How many times has he fooled you by now?
You need to start thinking with your brain, not your heart and accept that it is YOU that is letting him use you for over half a decade by now. Look back at your own post and try to analyse were you had clear warning signs that you ignored.
'I gave this guy the best of me...' this bit is the most lethal for your type. You seem to think, a common mistake, that if you are nice to someone, they owe you being nice in return. Perhaps even going so far as thinking that you can 'cure' a person. Oh yes, I know he is a cheat and a liar and a user but my love can fix that.
It can't, it won't, it never has. For he does NOT need curing, he has got everything he wants, three women so far he has been jerking around. Triple play I think it is called, bonus!
'This girl he is pursuing must be perfect.' and you still looking for reasons, for fixes, if only I do X, he will turn around. If only I become more pefect a woman I can win his heart.
You need to accept that he is the way he is and there is nothing you, or anyone else can do to chance him. Let him go, accept that love sometimes just ain't right.
End this relationship NOW and go work on your own self-image and stay single until you have more confidence and a more realistic idea of what relations between men and women are like. You might even consider therapy because I can't shake the feeling that you have a lot of issues to work out.
Say to yourself "I deserve better".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2008): wow...this reminds me of my first boyfriend! he was married too and had a kid. but i didn't know he was for the first year of our relationship...but then i grew to love him and his wife knew about me the whole time and she didn't care (at first) so he admit he was but wanted to leave her and be with me. then when she knew he was going to leave her for me...she went all crazy and came over to my mom's house and told my family i was a hoe for being with a married man and yelling at me and calling me and him all the time. then she was pregnant again with him and me and him were together for about 3 years by this point, and as much as i loved him...i wasn't happy and there was just so much drama! now when i look back at that relationship...i don't regret it...but i'm mad at myself for being unhappy for that long. i finally found someone that would never do anything to hurt me and he loves to be with me and only me and won't even talk to his female friends just so i won't be insecure. and i trust him and i'm happy everyday! and my ex is still married but has another girlfriend and all of them aren't happy and still continue having drama in their lives! TRUST ME...it might not seem like it now...but you'll find better and laugh at yourself for wasting your tears on him!
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