A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm trying to figure out what I should do with this situation. I love my ex SO much. In my heart I believe we are meant to be together. So, basically, we broke up 7 weeks ago, He 'loves me very much, but feels like we don't get along well enough." He said he understands that the way I acted (jealous and argumentative and mean sometimes) was because I was hurt in the past, but he feels like after a year and a half we haven't gotten where we should be and he doesn't feel like the changes will come in a reasonable amount of time. He also said that with all his stress from work, he doesn't want to "come home to his wife yelling at him".In the first week, I asked him to think about it and he said he was going to analyze things and talk to people and see what he could do. A week or so late, he said he thought about it and came to the same conclusion.So, for about 5 weeks, I did the beg and cry and "convince" thing. He just kept saying the same thing over and over. About a week and a half ago, we had a talk.we cried and he said he was sorry but just felt he was doing the right thing. I asked him if I should just leave him alone for a few weeks. He said I could do that, but he didn't know that it would change anything. He also said that my "begging" made matters worse because it made him feel like we were still arguing like we did before.Well, we work together, so it's been hard to give him 'space', but this past week, he went to the beach with his family. He got back Sunday and I saw that he was online, so I sent him an IM and asked how his trip was.we talked for a little bit and then I said "I'm glad you had fun. I guess I will just see you on Tuesday".he proceeded to say "It was weird without you there. It was lonely. And yes, I missed you"".then he said that he had mentioned me a few times and that just because he didn't write/call, doesn't mean he didn't think about me or miss me. Then we said goodbye and that was it. I saw him at work today and just tried to act normal...and he did the same.I guess what I am trying to figure out, is why he told me that. I know he's probably hurting too.but if he doesn't call because he doesn't want me to be upset and feel like he's giving me "false hope", then why tell me THOSE things?I mean, if you love someone, shouldn't you MAKE it work? And what can *I* do at this point? Is it too late for me or should I try to prove to him that I can change?
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 September 2008):
Well I think he told you those things about the beach because he wanted you to know he wasn't a cold monster, but I don't think it was helpful.
Did he not give any warnings that this might happen if you didn't change? He is right that after a year and a half "it's because of how I was treated in the past" is no longer and excuse.
If there were warnings that he was getting sick of it and it carried on then I really think this is it for you two. Crying and begging didn't do you any favours.
But if you are now in a place where you can both talk calmly without the risk of screaming and crying at each other then you are at a cross roads.
You can now meet up as friends and you can ask him honestly what went wrong and what you need to change. Tell him you don't want to make the same mistake in your next relationship since you screwed this one up.
Tell him you are thinking about counselling or what ever it is you need to fix these problems. You can also tell him what he did to set you off on these yelling matches.
If he sees that you are REALLY REALLY working on changing, and even that you are changing the way you act around him and trying not to yell when you want to, then he may grow closer to you again. However he may just be happy that you two can be friends.
You can't control how he feels. He may simply have had enough.
You can show him that you are changing but after that it's going to be up to him.
So my advice is to try and change for yourself. Don't do it for him as you need to be strong incase you've lost him forever. Learn from your mistakes that's all you can do.
Good Luck!! xx
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