A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I would really appreciate some advice because I'm not sure what to do here.I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years in total. After 1 year together, just after he graduated from uni, he ended things because he wanted to go travelling around the world. I was gutted but accepted his decision and stopped contacting him altogether. After less than 2 weeks, he contacted me to say he'd made a huge mistake. He said he missed me, and he had just gone a bit crazy with the freedom of leaving uni which I kind of understood. We talked a lot over the next few weeks and eventually got together. I told him that I would love to see the world, but I didn't want to go for 2 straight years or anything, which he agreed would be ok.Fast forward to now, 4 years later, and I have a good job and will be 29 this year. He is nearly 27, has his own business that he's run since I met him, which is doing very well. He regularly tells me (every couple of days) that he hates the fact he works from home because he gets cabin fever, and he hates that he works unsociable hours. I understand this, but he is also unwilling to rent out a premises to get out of the house (for cost reasons which is fair enough) and he won't consider getting a regular 9-5 job. Which I totally get but don't know what else to suggest to him.About a month ago, he told me that he hates our town, hates our country, hates the weather, the people and basically everything about it. I totally disagree with this, as we are 15 mins from the centre of a major city ( where I work) and have everything we need. He said he wants to live 'somewhere sunny' and see the world.I told him then that if this is still such a big deal to him, I think he should go, but he said he's unwilling to go without me. I don't want to move to a different country away from everyone I know, and I definitely don't want to give up a couple of years of my life and all my savings to go backpacking. I told him is live to see the world too, but in shorter holidays throughout the years, but he said that's not his dream.I had resigned myself to the fact that we were going to have to break up, and once again he did a u-turn and said he won't go without me. But now I feel really unsettled, like I don't believe what he's telling me. He says he's still doesn't know when he'll be ready for marriage or kids, so I have told him I won't move in with him until we work out whether we agree on that, which means we're kind of stuck.Should I just cut my losses now since he's clearly not happy here (he still regularly says he hates it here, which I'm sure isn't meant to offend me but it kind of does) or can I do more to support him through this?I should probably add that a part of me thinks he just can't handle 'regular' life and the fact it's not always going to be exciting and fun. Is this maybe more about avoiding the responsibility of growing up?
View related questions:
broke up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): I'm afraid this is something that he'll always have in his system if it keeps coming up like this.
I'd let him go too.
If he stays, there's a high risk he'll resent you, or fall into depression, or he'll up and leave as soon as you're married and knocked up when it finally hits him that he hates his life where he is.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): I agree with Cerberus that it IS unfair to try and pressure you into going like this, he's been waiting around for YEARS for you to come along with him - doesn't seem to be taking the notion that you actually don't WANT to very seriously- He's not being very considerate of what YOU want to do- not give up years of your job, savings, life.Honestly, I've truly found that love DOES T conquer all in a relationship- it's compatibility- you can't spend your life with someone you're NOT compatible with, You can't go hand in hand on paths this separate- regardless of how much love or affection you feel towards them... -You both want different things, how can it work? You go travelling, you're gunna throw a lot of money, energy/ time into something you don't want- YOURE unfulfilled. Or he stays in a life he "hates"- (Almost like he's trying to make you feel inadequate for not "fullfilling" exactly what he wants in life... Which ISNT your doing. ) does the whole daily slog thing and just quashes this wish he's had for so many years... Im sorry to say but I really doubt think he's ever going to stay settled- which isn't fair on you. Nor is it fair on him for you to try n pressure him to stay, but you haven't. I agree 100% with Cerberus that it's best if you let him go- he's still up n down like a yoyo, he's never gunna stay settled- if he DID stay, would you want to risk that resentment he'd put on you? And yes.... For me I would do the same as Cerberus- after years it would be SO painful to let my SIg. Other go, but If it WASNT what I wanted I wouldn't live for them... Wish you well, good luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): I think it's just one of those things where he has a dream that is unfulfilled and you're the reason that it's not being fulfilled. That's not blame by the way, you're not making him do anything, but his choice to be with you has stopped him experiencing that.
OP you're happy with your life, you like where you are, where you work etc. He's not. But he wants to have his cake and eat it too, so he's trying to pressure you into going with him.
OP, he's had his own business years which you say is successful, he's spent 5 years with you in what sounds like a pretty good relationship, you can't get more grown up and responsible than that, so try not to view this as being that.
I'd break up with him. This was a thing 4 years ago and it keeps popping up. He has itchy feet and needs to go follow his dream, he needs to see the world while he can. The only thing holding him back is you, he doesn't want to lose you. But it's incredibly unfair of him to try and pressure you to go the way he is.
OP this isn't going to go away and you know it. Maybe you can come to some kind of agreement and he chooses to stay again, or maybe he'd get a 9 to 5 job and his hours would be more social. He'll still be missing out on his dream, and he's quite literally only waiting for you to agree to go with him before he follows that through.
If you're not going to go with him, OP, then let him go by breaking up with him. The alternative then is that you just keep him trapped in a relationship that is good in all ways except the fact that he'll never get to live his dream and see the world while he's young.
So either go with him, make a plan where you and he will spend a summer travelling or break up with him and let him see this through.
It doesn't mean you have to lose each other, it just means you remove the very last reason for him not to see this through. Your relationship doesn't have a great future with a guy who is so saddened by feelings he's missing out on what he really wants in life. You then wouldn't be at all happy to just give up everything to follow his dream with him, so it's lose/lose.
I'd let him go. If my wife felt like your guy, I'd let her go. I'd break up with her to force her to follow her dreams. I simply couldn't live with myself if I thought I was denying her something like that, especially if she was as down and depressed as your guy is.
I could never be her "problem" and I'd make the choice for her if I had to.
...............................
A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (16 May 2014):
I travelled when I was young and didn't have my son until I was 36. Life is for living, is my thought. Now that I am older and haven't been too well and faced my maker a couple of times this year, I am keen not to wait to do and see as much as I can in the next few years. I am tempted to say, whatever it is you want to do in life, do it now. Before children is ideal. If you want the normal things like family, house, job and are not bothered about exploration perhaps you and he should think again. He obviously loves you and wants to experience life with you. If you decide to split it will take you four years at least to find somebody else that you love. So, why not compromise? He seems worth it and it hold be possible for both of you to get what you need with some adjustments.
...............................
|
