A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:8 weeks ago I found out that my husband of 4 years had been visiting a transvestite for bondage (no sex/kissing/touching) sessions. Quite a shock as you can imagine. The last couple of months have been an emotional roller coaster and complete hell at times.There have been times where I have felt such despair I could barely walk, the pain was incredible. I have forgiven him. We have a young child and mad as it may seem we do love each other very much. We have had counseling which has helped immensely. We are talking and cuddling and having probably the best sex we have ever had. My husband has been completely devastated by his betrayal, he feels disgust, guilt, self loathing. He cannot believe his actions, is deeply sorry and doing every thing he can to put things right. Sorry - but I do not want to hear from people who think I should kick him out/leave him/divorce him etc. We have made a decision to work this out together and move forward. What I need help with is the trust issue. How do I stop myself from snooping through his bag and pockets. How do I stop myself from checking his mobile? He is doing his bit - constantly reassuring me, making promises to me. Yesterday I checked his mobile. There was a number in it I did not recognize. I have spent hours agonizing over it. If I hadn't checked, I wouldn't have come across this number (which it turns out is a work colleague). I have good reason to be insecure - but I am worried my insecurity will ruin what is (fundamentally) a great relationship. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): wow i know where your coming from, my husband actuall f*ck someone other than his wife. And we are going to councelling i love him very much. I read his emails, go threw his phone, his pockets, wallet, snoop in his car and even write down his mileage every day. Thats how to regain their trust right?Doesn't it make you feel better not finding anything? I was told to gradually stop, like every 3day look, and do that for couple of months. Then make it once a week. As long as you dont find anything suspesious you should start feeling better! Please keep your head up!
A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Obsessing is very hard to put aside once you've been shocked. The obsession won't go away, but you will have to force yourself to stop snooping. It is not easy at all. There might not be a way to bring you the comfort you seek and that you are in such high emotions won't help the relationship since you are always on high alert.
You need to get expert help. I don't think strangers here will be able to really find the magic solution. Obsessions can go on for years.
Maybe you can ask him to include you in a fantasy adventure somehow? Find something a little kinky to do with him? This is not an easy situation.
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