A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married and I became close with a coworker whom is also married. We would work together a lot. Then we began talking via text and then via cell phones as well. We would talk about everything under the sun. Home, our families. I began to have a crush on the other coworker. I kept it a secret for months but then I noticed that he appeared to have a crush on me. A few months later I let it slip I had my crush. It was a mutual thing as I had thought. Our texts turned to talking of how wrong these feelings were but they became more intense as time went along. My husband knew I was texting (not the content) but his wife had no clue he was texting me. I ended up falling in love with my coworker and admitted this to him. After that we both say I love you or luv u daily to each other. This went on for months. Our work told us that it looked to others around us that we were messing around so we were asked to quit working so closely together. Our jobs were important to us and his wife works at the same place as well so we did as was asked of us. Since this time our texts have changed content and are about a quarter of what they were not by my choice. This was quite hard for me because I became used to talking with him on a daily basis. Now I get a good morning and good nite text and maybe a few in between. I have to some degree wondered why the change in this. He says its cause he just doesnt want to get in trouble with his wife. I want to know how without quiting my job I love very much and avoiding him completely am I to quit relying on this friendship? I dont care what the contents of my texts and talks with him I just want him to be a part of my life as a friend without distroying either marriage or myself. I have started taking medication to help with my own mental health. How can I remain friends but stay sane?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): Oh dear...I hate to break it to you...but friendship is simply out of the question at this stage of the game. You're playing with fire by staying connected to this guy. I went through the same sort of thing...at work...with someone who was just a "friend". It got to be impossible. I tried the friend thing and it just doesn't work. Those romantic feelings start bubbling up every time and make it very difficult. So...after several attempts at making this thing work I finally cut off all contact. I see my friend at work passing in the hallways. We simply say "hi" and keep on moving. No more texts, no more phone calls, no more lunches, no more drinks after work. It's hard, but...the alternative is worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI actually did meet with him several times a week for always less than an hour. This went on for several months. We eventually did end up kissing but it never went beyond that cause one of us always held back. I know this is part of the reason its hard to move on. We are trying to be just friends but its hard on my end because I truly believe that I LOVE HIM. I do truly love my husband. This may sound weird but I still have feelings for anyone that I have ever been intimately involved with. When I say I love you its forever. Thats a lot of the problem as well. I am actually still friends with all of these people. I know it sounds weird but thats just me. I am a very caring person so no matter what this man will always be a part of my life. I just want it to be as someone who knows me and is there as a friend forever.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): I just ended an emotional affair with my coworker (former boss) by leaving the job. It was the hardest thing I had to do but, both of us being married as well, I knew it was not right to continue with that situation. An affair is an affair...physical or not...its love. It was a betrayl of my committment to my marriage in my opinion. I struggle with this everyday and I miss my "friend" immensely. My advice is to talk to a counselor and work through what led you to filling the hole in your marriage that this person did for you. That is what I am doing. I don't know how you can remain friends, keep your marriage and stay sane. I wish you luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Given that you allowed your feelings for this co-worker to go so far, I don't think just being friends with him is possible at this point. Take all that lonliness and want for the co-worker and redirect it to your husband. He's the one you committed to and he's the one that should be filling those needs for you. If he's not doing that for you, whether it's his fault or yours, it's time for couple's counseling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Hi there,I can sympathise with you as I am going through the same thing at the moment.You will probably have answers like "move on you are married", etc, I know that you feel that you can't move on, after all you have to see him everyday.You have it worse than me in that you two have been texting etc, so in a way it has become an affair without the physical side. He has said he loves you, but he does not, otherwise he would have asked you to meet him outside of work and it would have gotten physical by now.Has he ever said he wanted an affair with you?In my case I have someone who says "I don't know", but who constantly makes physical hints, eye contact, etc.I have made myself come to the conclusion that he likes the attention, does not want to hurt my feelings, especially as he knows I will stop the attention from my side, and obviously he will not want to lose that because it makes him feel good, and for him, that is what it is all about!.I think you have a similar thing going on here.Like me, this guy probably thinks you are the best thing on the earth, he will, it makes him feel great! He isn't hurting,so he does not have to worry does he?He probably doesn't know how to tell you because it will make him look like a user, player, everything bad that he does not want you to think of him, and you will stop giving him attention, he does not want to let go of that because his working day will go back to being routine and boring!!I, like you, am hurting like hell,I know for you that your working day probably revolves around him and not your actual job,and you cannot see a way to carry on with your normal working day without what you have gotten used to.From feeling high for such a long time, to feeling rejected and low, is one of the worst feelings anyone has to cope with. I know, it hurts!I myself have made a conscious decision to be nice, freindly, and the same way as I usually am, but without the closeness,carry on with my job,put more into my job, every day, think of a different project, remind myself he does not want me really, otherwise he would have said so by now, and I am wasting my time and emotions and hurting too much to enjoy my work.I know it is gonna be very hard, and as soon as I see him I usually melt, I WILL NOT MELT! I am strong and will try to get over this.YOU CAN TOO!!!Please try to take these thoughts on board, there will be days when you feel like dying inside, but you have to be a sane, strong lady and keep some dignity for yourself.If people have noticed at work, he is probably telling them and his wife that you are chasing him, he will not be admitting that it is him as well will he, she would have done something about it by now if he had?I feel for you, i really do, and I hope in a few months you will have gotten over this, as I do for myself as well.I have posted my problem on here and been told it was my fault for flirting when in fact I did not start any of it.I , like you, got reeled in by the attention of someone who likes to be idolised by the ladies, and it made me feel good, I have allowed myself to fall for him and that, as you know, is why it hurts. Do not allow yourself to feel bad and hurt by all of this, we all have emotions and the need to feel wanted and loved and attracive.Tell yourself that you are all of those things but you are also strong as well. You must be attractive because he would not have latched on to you in the first place. You gave him an outlet for all the things he probably doesn't get from his wife any more.All the best to you for the next few months.
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