A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Been out of the dating game for a while. I'm going on a date next week and I'm attracted to the dude I don't want to jeopardize seeing each other a second time, but I may want to sleep with him. Seems dumb to me that people would drop others like hot potatoes over actually acting on their feelings but I know most guys perceive that as easiness and whorishness. Let's say if it goes well and we're at this sex cross roads: do you think it would work if I'm honest with him, and ask him straight up like hey if I sleep with you, does that mean you're not gonna hang out with me again? I figure almost every dude would just lie and say no problem and then most will just jump shark, figured I'd ask others if dudes would respond honestly to that kind of question. I'm sure the right answer is it's not worth risking it if I like the guy but was wishing we had a little bit more of a modern view on this kinda stuff..
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell so here's the update. Date was good,he came back to my place, good conversation etc., felt like he was interested so I kissed him and he reciprocated, and after a while of kissing I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he doesn't have sex on the first date so I felt like a little bit of the aggressor, oops. He still stayed for a while after I backed off a little, and it sounds like a second date is still in the cards so I didn't jeopardize too much.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNO kidding?? I must be watching too much tv. Ok I'll play it by ear and see where it goes
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2014): Call me old fashioned, but I would NEVER have first date sex.
How many times have you heard a woman say, "I wish I hadn't slept with him so soon"? Probably a few.
How many times have you heard a woman say, "I wish I slept with him sooner"? Probably zero.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (6 October 2014):
 I can't answer this from a man's perspective, but I will say that I've had first-date sex two times in my life and both times I ended up in multi-year exclusive relationships with the guy.
If either of them thought I was "easy" they never gave me any hints to that effect, and hey, that would make them equally easy because they gave it up on the first date too! Sometimes the chemistry is just there.
It's been my personal experience that women judge other women for having sex too "soon" much more harshly than men do. But regardless, if you really think about it, the business of assigning a socially acceptable "number" of dates before sex is fairly absurd. Suppose your dinner date with this guy entails two to three hours of you getting to know him (maybe less if you go to a movie after, where no one talks). Three similar dates with this guy would still mean a maximum of just six to nine hours of actual interaction with him before deciding whether or not he'd be a good potential sex partner, with all the possible consequences that entails. If a guy is sleazy and just telling you what you want to hear to get you into bed, believe me, it's no harder to keep that up over three dates instead of one, and you could still get burned by a guy who's out to play the field.
So really, I think the MOST important thing is to have a good read on what kind of a person your date is before hopping into bed with him, whether that takes you one date or one month (or more). You don't have to know everything about him in terms of life history, just pay close attention to how he acts and the vibes you are getting. If a guy seems too smooth or a line seems too practiced or you have a funny feeling that you're just being told what you want to hear, then wait until you can be sure about these things before getting physical.
The same is especially true if you feel ANY pressure whatsoever from your date to take things farther, as opposed to a natural progression. Guys who try to pressure or manipulate you into more than you're comfortable with "in the moment" on a first date probably shouldn't get a second date, let alone sex.
You have a bit of extra intel going in because it sounds like you have already met this guy in some context before dating him. If you know anything more about him or his reputation, or how his male friends behave towards women, factor that into your impression of him as well. If he hangs out with a bunch of player types, you're best off assuming he is one until proven otherwise and taking things slowly to start off with.
And, of course, if you do decide to get physical at any point, use protection EVEN if you are already on the pill.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I would also wish that we all could think a bit more modern about this. Some of my female friends deliberately hold themselves back from sex when they like a guy, because they are afraid to be perceived as "easy". This leads to boring dates without any tension, because they know exactly what shouldn't happen and they act more shy and cautious than they are.
My advice is to not make a rule/idea about the date in advance. Don't get fixated on sleeping or not sleeping with him. Prepare everything so that you could have sex if you wanted (condoms, shave..) but really during the date, see if you're still in the mood, if he's in the mood.. look at what the evening brings.
In my opinion there should be some clear signals from him, that he would like it too. That it would mean something to him. That he desires you. He should at least flirt, insinuate things, be charming.. I think it's sad to bless a man with something as precious as sex when he shows completely zero seducing skills or effort. I don't want to reward laziness/carelessness. That doesn't mean he needs to take me out to dinner and pay the bill, or anything like that. I just need to have the feeling that he desires me and is not too scared to show it to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2014): Having sex on the first date has no impact on the possibility of a relationship. He is either open to a relationship or he's not. Having sex with him will not change that.
However, having sex before knowing his intentions makes it more likely that you'll be a one night stand.
There's nothing wrong with one night stands per se but if you would rather avoid being a one night stand then delay sleeping together until you know his feelings.
Good luck!
...............................
|
