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female
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anonymous
writes:HiCan i just ask any guys out there , have you ever 'thought' you loved someone, then decided you didnt , and it made you so sad to part with them . Is that the truth , or just frightened of comittment?? Even if you went against all your morals to be with them. I'm sorry its a weird question , but if theres anyone out there who's done this i'd be grateful to know Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006):
You can't just "decide" you don't love someone. Love is an emotion of which you have little control over.
You could be so sad to part with someone for many reasons. It might be nothing, it could be just because you "miss" them (their company - the intimacy - the feeling special - anyone would miss all that) or it could be that the feelings do run deeper.
Psychologically, when you loose someone you love (lose in any sense; a breakup - or a death - it's the same experience for the mind) you are actually "loosing" a part of your self.
Imagine a heart shape with a chunk taken out, that is essencially you when you loose someone you love - it's why you feel an emptyness inside. It is why a grief counselor would concentrate on building up their clients ego and suggest things such as "retail therapy"; being extra nice to yourself can quicken your lose by "healing" over the part of you that is missing.
You haven't written much but it sounds to me like you are overly trying to rationalise this with your brain. The brain and heart can often conflict can't they? You and only you know best if you have parted for the right reasons, but it sounds pretty heavy if it would be going against all your morals to be with them, I imagine they must have done some pretty bad things?
That leads me to say that people can commit the worst acts ever, and the "victim" will rarely ever stop loving the perpetrator - love does not work that way. It is why people who are abused in any form, as a child or adult, will suffer so badly; because they will continue to love the person who hurt them, it's a paradox that the mind often needs professional guidance (a counselor) in understanding.
So you can't switch love on and off, if you really love this person, but remain determined that it stays in your past (because you think it is for the best) then you will probably always have feelings for him deep down. They kind of become less intense, less painful. You'll come to accept that things will never be again, but you will always feel some sense of loss, as you would with anyone that you loved and lost.
It can be a very sad feeling, but at the same time, it can be something that makes you appreciate future loves, it will make you want to hold on to them harder. It's important though to make sure you have "dealt" with the lose of this love before you get in to any other relationship; and it might not be that you are interested in any one else but life seems to enjoy putting people through rebound experiences, I think.
If this person has done things that do make it impossible for there to ever be a future then I suggest you concentrate on moving on, the retail therapy is a good idea, otherwise try to avoid being on your own too much. Concentrate on future goals and if you live near this guy try and make sure you don't bump in to him for a while, give yourself enough time to get over the stronger feelings without him complicating things.
If on the otherhand its a fear of commitment, which, is certainly a possibility, otherwise you wouldn't have even suggested it, I would think more about whatever happened between you. If the breakup was caused by this fear then perhaps he isn't so bad afterall?
Thinking through things that have happened though, when they are mixed with intense emotions can often be too difficult to analyse and see clearly. Often it takes time - time for the emotional content of the times to dull down until you can see things for how they really were. Do you find yourself replaying what happened in your mind over and over again? This is your brain trying to make sense from what happened. Give it time. Your mind will accept it in the end. If you are still on talking terms with the guy and you don't want him out of your life then perhaps you could make contact.
I'm sure whatever you choose to do will be the right choice, it's not good going through feelings of loss, especially during christmas time, I know how it feels myself, very sad :( For the next few days just try and concentrate on Christmas and your friends and family, and not endure the pain you are feeling. Good luck and all the best, in 2007 allow the things you didn't like in your life during 2006 to stay there. It's a new year, and it'll be a new you, all the best =)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2006): i know exactly what you're going through. i recently had to leave a relationship that i thought was "the one" for me, as we had different life paths. i was devasted; i was leaving the man i 'thoguht' i loved. and then as time has passed, and we've seen each other, i realise that he isn't for me for the long term. i love him, love the time we spent together and will always love him in a special way, but i really tink it is about being honest with yourself and realising that the relationship was just not quite right and accepting this. It's a big call to leave but it is a bigger call to be honest with yourself and how you "really" feel.
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