A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 1/2 years and we've lived together for 90% of that time. He is 30 and I am 26. He has a full-time job and I have started my own business in the last year. I like change and he is the exact opposite. I have been having issues for years wondering if I should leave or when/if I do leave who am I gonna find that's any better. He works normal hours, comes home and occupies himself with his little "projects" until it's time to come in, eat, shower and go to bed. He doesn't do any little things for me and hasn't for sometime. I always make sure in my travels and trips that I think of him and bring him home dinner, cigs or whatever I come across that I think he'll like. No Valentine's days, anniversaries and I'm lucky if he plans anything for my birthday. Here's a list of what I got last Christmas: jumbo paper clips, jumbo board pins, slippers, totes, restaurant gift card and hand lotion. Now isn't that extremely impersonal for 5 1/2 years??? In the last year I started my own business and he has not supported me or helped lift the load around the house. (My business is still getting off the ground so I am not financially stable yet.) If I don't make money 1 week he tells me that I need to find another job and if I do make money it's never enough. I arrange for the cars to be serviced (both are mine and he uses them!), pay all the bills, do the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning. I suppose my friends notice my distress and have told me I can do better. His friends secretly ask me how he's doing and if things are any better. When I say no they offer to talk to him and get him to realize what he has (which only ever worked for about a week). I know I want to get married and have children one day but I'm afraid of legally tying my noose in a situation like this again! We have never discussed our goals and dreams b/c he cannot have a normal adult conversation without taking offense to something. I need some encouraging words b/c lately it's really been getting to me.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (19 April 2008):
You've said you are with him because you are scared of not finding anyone better. But you are not going to find anything better while you are sat at home looking after this jerk.
Tell his friends to talk to him. Get them to tell him he's at risk of losing you.
It's scary thinking you'll be alone when you have been together for so long, but trust me, once you take that step, it will all become so much easier.
Only one car to look after and a cash boost for your business, only food you like in the fridge, only one lot of washing to do.... and the loo seat will be down ALL THE TIME!
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): From the tone of it, could he be doing a payback of some sort (the thing about not enough money)? Your situation sounds like mine(I'm self employed). I have taken a back seat over time because I get tired of the nit-picking and bickering. Have you been doing this? Have you in the past expected to much from him? Always having little projects for him to do?
In order to understand the situation, and get an insight into his head, certain things have to be investigated, or asked.
When a wife says her husband gets mad or something similar, it reminds me of my wife. I've tell her what it sounds like to me is this, and she says that isn't what she meant. So I found a book "men are from mars women are from venus". My wife won't participate, but I recognize certain things she says that gets me annoyed, just as I say things that get her annoyed. Communication is key, but if you've both have set the pace as described in this book, then your going no where fast. And ending the relationship only means you'll experience it again for each male/female have these traits. It is a challenge to reckognize these triats, and our habit of using certain words. Example: use would instead of could. Would is asking politly, while could sounds like a whine, which is annoying.
And what is wrong with paper clips? !!!kidding!!!
Men need to be trained. Men have been out of the loop on romance. If men feel they aren't good at it, then they won't do it. Many times men go out of there way, and if they get the feeling it isn't appreciated, meaning it was a second class try, they will stop. I know I do. I tell my wife, once in a while tell me I'm doing it right. But she seems to think I'm suppose to be prince charming, I'm a man, I should know what to do. She's hard headed, and just doesn't get it, so I give up and try to avoid her. That is reality. It takes two people to make a relationship work, if one is not going to be supportive and help, then it will be sour grapes.
So if the above sounds nothing like your problem, then ignore it, it is just an opinion.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (19 April 2008):
 He sounds a bit insensitive.
You need to examine this one on your own.
Ask yourself these questions; Is this the kind of relationship you want to stay in?
Do you want to continue being treated this way?
Do you think things will improve in view of what you have been through already?
My guess is that he will not change.
If you do decide to end the current relationship you just need to remember that out there somewhere is exactly the right guy for you. It just may take a little patience on your part to find that guy. Doc
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