A
female
age
41-50,
*auimelon
writes:I was with a guy for almost 3 years. We lived together for one and planned a life-changing 3 month trip around the world together, before we planned on settling down. Two months before the trip, a past love of mine came back into my life and I got confused. I couldn't really afford the 3 month trip and now I was questioning whether or not to even go. The "what if" guy came back into my life and I felt like I needed to figure it out before I decided to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend at the time.I was honest with my boyfriend and we ended up breaking up. He went on the trip without me and we kept in contact every few days via email. Still saying "I love you," "I miss you," and discussing a possible reunion when he came home. By this time, i had realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side and my "what if" guy was just something exciting at the time and was really not meant to be. Something I really felt I needed to figure out before I gave my life to someone.My ex-boyfriend who went on the trip without me, had two weeks left on his trip before he came home after 3 months. We were not together (technically) but as you see above, we were definitely maintaining some sort of relationship. In the LAST TWO weeks of his trip, I didn't hear from him for 10 days. Next thing I know, I get an email from him saying that he met a woman in Thailand and they have been staying together. She is 34 (he is 26) and she apparently "owns a bar" and has two children (one 10yo and one 12 yo) to two different men. When he told me about her he said he was sorry. I told him to end it and he said he didn't think he wanted to. He continued a two week relationship with her before he came back to the U.S.Now, he is home. I have tried to find some kind of forgiveness for him, as I still feel some guilt from the "what if" situation and was the one that ended our relationship in the first place. I've realized he is the ONE for me and I want to give it another shot.Since being home, we are together all the time. He knows how i feel and says he just needs to be single right now and be alone. He still maintains contact with this Thai woman via text messages and continues to tell her he MISSES HER!!!I'm trying to be patient and give him some time to figure it out, as I had the 3 months he was gone to figure out my situation. When we are together, things seem normal and like old times. But then I end up wanting more and he reminds me that he wants to be "alone and single" right now.I love him and am not sure if i should try to live in the moment and just be his friend for now and give him some time...or completely walk away. I have tried walking away and we end up contacting each other again.Help!
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female
reader, mauimelon +, writes (10 April 2009):
mauimelon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much guys. You all said what I think i knew deep down...but just needed to hear.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): sorry, hon, looks like he got over you quite quickly. Maybe there was a reason you were drawn to the other guy in the first place, we often sense when something isn't right and maybe that was the case so don't be too hard on yourself. You may have broken his heart but then again, maybe he saw this as his chance to get out.
He's already figured it out, he doesn't want to be with you and sorry neither of these relationships worked out for you but one day it will happen for you. Take some time to heal and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Cause and effect. Your actions has caused this scenario to happen. The result is the consequence.
When you make a choice, that is the cause. What results from it, is the effect. People often don't really think about their options and choose what is most 'convenient' for them at the heat of the moment. Then regret later and do all they can do to try to go back to how it used to be.
It does not or it very rarely happens that something soiled can go back to how it used to be.
In this case, your love-interest had made a choice based on the choice you made prior. You had someone who would hold you close and give you cuddles and kisses, but let him go to pursue your own interests.
The 'ongoing relationship' you thought you had with that love-interest that you released prior, could very well have been his emotional obligation to you. I am not saying he did not have continuing feelings for you, but simply put, he could very well have 'tried' to take you back, but found that he just cannot do it.
1 part ego, 2 parts hurt feelings and the rest, dignity.
There is nothing he needs to be forgiven for. If you must leave, then leave. All relationships, let that be intimate, friendship, corporate and otherwise are all trial and error.
Will power is key to walking away from a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): you found out the grass was not greener.and you expect just to continue with your old b/f as previously.you broke this mans heart and now you want more from him. although this r/ship witht he Thai lady may just be a rebound r/ship, at least she helped him move on from you. you chose to end it ,but now realise that HE IS THE ONE FOR YOU. however HE HAD REALISED THAT YOU ARE NOT THE ONE FOR HIM. Sad, but in life there are no second chances. Please as hard as it is, let him be. Give him the space. You may not realise this but you hurt him very much by chossing the "what if " guy. Your " what if" guy actaully was the blessing in disguise for your b/f. It made him now realise that he has still not found THE ONE. I'm sorry you are not THE ONE for him anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): First of all, he didn't do anything wrong so he doesn't require any forgiving. You dumped him for another guy and he was a free man! Most men don't forgive this kind of thing like women do. Honestly, I would take him for his word because I think he's being truthful about not wanting to be with you again. Most men can continue to have the sexual part of the relationship and hang out without seeing it as going anywhere and then they meet the person they do want to be with so I don't think you can be encouraged by this behavior? He has every right to maintain contact with the Thai woman because you aren't together! I don't think there's much hope here, sorry!
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