A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a fantastic relationship at University. My girlfriend is as nice, attractive, good looking, healthy and trustworthy as I could hope for. There is no doubt in my mind that she is totally in love with me, she seems to be my number 1 fan, and she even quit smoking for me. My problem is, I'm 21 and at university and I feel I might have found my ideal partner too young. In a years time I leave Uni and we have different plans (I want to live in Asia and her in London) so it will be then that we start making serious compromises for the relationship to carry on. I am worried that if I stay with her and end up marrying her I will feel I haven't enjoyed my 20's, being independent and throwing caution to the wind. At the same time, if I end it with her after university I'm afraid I will have thrown away the best partner I could ever hope for.Has anyone been in this situation before and how did it end up?Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): If you've found the person you love/want to be with and you just KNOW she is 'the one', you can never be too young. You have to remember, you might not get that chance again.
I found mine at 15, so obviously I had the same thoughts in mind, but it never stopped me from breaking up with the person I loved. I'm not saying I never had doubts, who wouldn't at that age? But I made the right decision. I'm sure you will too.
Why break something that's perfect?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answers by the way, particularly from DrPsych. I found myself feeling reassured by answers telling me to stick with her, and got a bit of a knot in my stomach when people told me I should move in. Tells me quite a lot about what I need to know! The fact is I find the thought of breaking up with her awful and I'd be an idiot to do it, but I just don't want to lose this other aspect of my life. Clearly I need to make a choice, perhaps with some compromises as mentioned.... Anyway I'm thinking out loud, thanks for all your help!
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male
reader, 4virgin7  +, writes (29 July 2010):
I married too young at 23 but I think it is really a product of experience. Date a bunch of women. Second, if you are asking the question you already know the answer. Good luck.
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male
reader, rivi +, writes (29 July 2010):
INteresting that you describe her as your no 1 fan - not the other way around.
If you are even having these thoughts tentatively then there is no way it would be wise for you to settle down with her - even if there weren't the little matter of compromising between Asia and London......
If you did marry her it's 100 to 1 you would end up having affairs or whatever, hankering after a sowing of wild oats period.
If Asia is your dream ( doing what ? ) then go for it - it may not be what you imagined but the experience would still be useful.
There are 7 billion people on earth - half of them female : the idea that there is only 'ONE' perfect partner for you is clearly untenable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): Then you should not have any serious relationship yet, because you can't just have both. You enjoy your youth freedom while having a perfect future wife waiting for you in a box that you buried in your backyard. That just doesn’t happen. Well, it still happened in some country in Asia, where young women can’t choose their own future husband. These women have to wait until the men propose and stay faithful while the men can do whatever they want.
You want to be like that? I am sure you want, but sadly, it doesn’t work like that in the west.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying your youth, and don’t think about marriage yet, because you definitely not ready to lead a family, but most importantly don’t tie her up. Tell her that she's free to go whenever she feels like it. Tell her that you will be ready in the future, but meanwhile she doesn't need to wait for you. Losing the right woman is a risk you have to take if you want to enjoy your freedom, losing your freedom is the risk you have to take to marry your perfect girl.
That is what I call fair. No one is compelled to wait, both parties can lead their life as they want it, and who knows what future might bring? Maybe you'll meet her in 10 years and at that time the spark is still there?
So, choose one of them, but don’t get greedy and choose them both. Like marrying her and then rarely contribute to the family life afterwards because you still want to live your life as a single. You are risking yourself to lose both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have probably worded the question wrong and it seems I've come out in a bad light. I just want to clarify a few things.
1. I don't see her as a possession in any way. I happen to dislike smoking for personal reasons but we have both made sacrifices to make the relationship work, and we are both really happy in it.
2. I love her just as much as she loves me, but for all I know she might be having the same dilemna. Eventually I will open up discussions on it but as its a year away I wanted to get some advice first and then start talking about it in 6 months or so.
3. All my life I have foreseen my life going in one direction. Travelling round, looking for opportunities, taking risks and experiencing as much as I can before in my early 30s i settle down a bit. This is not meant to mean a 'wild time shagging as many people as I can'. More I see independence as a way of living my life in many areas. Being in a relationship, I fear, will thwart that and I worry I'll live to regret it.
Ultimately I love this girl enough to consider changing my foreseen future (one I was really looking forward to) and I was looking for advice. Do people, for example, disagree with the premise that I can't live like that and maintain a healthy relationship at the same time?
I'm young what do i know....
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (29 July 2010):
 If this girl is your perfect partner then keep hold of her, fortune may not strike again. If you are both committed to the relationship then there is no reason why you cannot both do your own thing for a while. The distance will be a test of the strength of the relationship. If you both drift apart then at least both of you know that the relationship couldn't withstand the pressure. There is no reason why you need to rush into settling down and marriage - you could put that off until you are both financially secure and emotionally ready for that step (i.e. over 30 for most people). Long distance relationships are hard work - I was separated from my husband for over a year while he went back home in his native country sorting out his visa (which got all legal and complicated). It tested both of us to the brink of madness but we worked through it and there was a happy ending. Lots of people go years and years searching for the right person to spend their life with; many without success! If you ditch your girlfriend to embrace your 20's lifestyle then you may end up sorry about it. This is especially true if your travels, adventures and future partners don't meet with your expectations. If you think a lot of this girl, hold on to her. You need to live for the here and now. If the relationship is going to work out post-Uni (whatever you both decide to do), then time will tell. If it doesn't work out once you graduate then at least you know you both give it your best shot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): You really know what you want and that's good. I wonder what would happen if you negotiated with her: tell her all the things you want, no matter what they are (it'll test your relationship in a good way nonetheless) and have her try it on. Ask her what she wants in her 20's: what does she need to do out of curiosity and to knock out her adventures, and listen to her. Both of you could come to an agreement to support the other in your single pursuits, accept and understand it. Perhaps you'll both stay connected throughout it and come out with a great relationship in a few years.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I say I want to be independent in my 20s I'm mainly referring to delaying the ultimate responsibility of looking after a family, as I can't take risks and make changes in many areas, such as career and where I live etc when I'm tied down. I'm not specifically talking about me wanting to experience other sexual partners, although that does come into it a bit as this is the only serious relationship I've been in (I don't really count my teenage relationships as serious in comparison). I go through different mindsets on this issue, and it's a while before I really have to make any decision, I'm just interested to hear people's opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): Here's how it rolls. If you can look upon your perfect partner and still crave cutting loose in your 20's, it's possible you don't feel toward her as needed for marriage.
She looked upon you and gave up smoking.
I submit you want to possess her more than love her.
So, two things:
1. Tell her everything about your position, even send her your paragraph with it's excellent profile, if you have to.
2. Go ahead and go do whatever it is you need to do and if you guys survive it, then there you go.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (29 July 2010):
 There's no such thing as 'too young', so if you've found the right person, that's absolutely wonderful.
Having said that, Asia is a long way from London. At your age, compromising on your career might a bigger issue that 'not getting to live it up in your 20's' which is pretty much a cliche anyway.
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