A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me a week ago today. I'm finding it so hard because it came out of the blue and just after we'd spent a couple of good days away together for his birthday. I'm gutted because he's the loveliest guy I’ve ever dated and he's also the first guy I’ve slept with. I held out a long time until someone truly special came a long, and that was him. It took us forever to start going out. I first met him in 2004, and we were both attracted to each other but never had the chance to get to know each other, and I already really liked someone else at that point and ended up going out with them instead when they asked me out shortly after. I occasionally saw him after then as we both worked at the same job over the holidays when we weren't at university. Last summer, we got to know each other really well at work, but when he hadn’t asked me out after 3 months, I assumed I’d read the signs wrong and that he just wanted to be friends and nothing more (I was to shy to ask). But, a few days before we were both due back to uni, we ended up kissing and it was great. We both went our separate ways back to uni, which are at opposite ends of the country, but found ourselves talking and texting nearly every day. After a while he decided to visit me at my uni and asked me out and our relationship began there. It was hard because we were so far apart, but it was always worth the distance and meeting up was always great. Apart from both missing each other loads, the distance was never an issue, we were both completely faithful, we talked often, sent each other little letters, photos and so on in the post and it was great. And because we live in the same town at home we could see each other lots over university holidays like Christmas and Easter.He happily waited 6 months before we slept together, never rushing me, and everything was so good in every aspect. He did special things for me and surprised me with little token gifts and so on and I did the same back. We both couldn’t wait for the summer holidays because it meant no more time apart for 3 months. In his own words he said, “I’m really looking forward to summer, I can tell it’s going to be a real high point in my life.’ And it was awesome. We went on holiday abroad for a week and it was so good. 2 and bit months later we’ve broken up. This past month we’ve had no major problems, little niggles over silly things but that was all.The main reason for breaking up with me, he said, was just that he feels differently about what he wants, he wanted something serious for a long time, but recently that had changed, he said he couldn’t pin point why it had, it just had. He said he wished he didn’t feel differently but he did. He said he knew it sounded really selfish but he just wanted to able to concentrate fully on him and not have to worry about me. He wanted to be able to focus his mind on himself and what he wanted, and uni and getting fit. He said he knew that neither himself nor me exactly had loads of problems or anything but he just doesn’t like caring about my problems because he wants to concentrate on himself. He cried when he said this because he said it all sounded so selfish. He said he didn’t want anything serious now because we got hurt more, and said if it were bad now it’d be worse down the line. He said he didn’t know if we should just have a break but stay faithful so he could figure out what he wanted or not but then he said he’d feel like he was stringing me along instead of letting me get on with my life and that wouldn’t be fair. He said he wanted to be sensible about it and do what was best for us both in the long run. He kept asking what I’d do if I was him but I said it’s not what I’d do, its what ever you want to do.He said whatever happened, he just needed to be away from me to be his own person, and just to see how he felt. He said for years he wanted a girlfriend because he thought if he had one everything else would fall into place in his life, but no one ever came a long that was right for him until me, since he had had his heart broken at 15. But now he’d realised that he had to be 100% happy with himself before he could commit properly to someone else. But the thing is, he doesn’t really have any problems at all, this is why I find it so hard. He’s generally a very happy person who doesn’t get stressed at all easily. I can see he wants to better himself as a person, but can't he do that and still be with me, I don’t understand? He said he felt that it was always great when we met up over university term time, but over the last month of summer or so it hadn’t been as good. Now that we were going back to uni he said he knew if we stayed together it would be great meeting up for the odd weekend, but was worried it wouldn’t be so good when it came to the holidays again and he didn’t want to ‘pro-long the inevitable’.He said he genuinely wants to be on his own; he’s not interested in being with any one else or going ‘on the pull’. He also stressed that I hadn’t done anything wrong and that it wasn’t my fault in anyway. He said he hadn’t planned for it to happen now, right before uni and stuff, but didn’t want to wait longer because if not I might think he’d met someone else when he hadn’t. I said I was going to miss him so much and all the thing’s I’d miss about him and he did the same. He said I was so caring and loyal and such a good girlfriend. He said he’d miss telling people I was his girlfriend and showing them photos of me and that I’d always be special to him and that I was the most gorgeous girl he’d ever kissed. He said he even kept the box the chocolates came in that I gave to him for valentines. He said he wanted us to be friends because I was such a lovely person and he cared about me so much. He said he wanted what was best for me and asked if I’d like to keep in contact with him now or if we should wait a while. I know he genuinely cares about me because he kept putting me first and he cried almost as much as I did, and I’ve never seen him cry, he’s not that kind of guy. When we spoke on the phone later that evening so he could see how I was doing, we both cried again and talked on the phone for over an hour. He keeps stressing that he wants us to remain friends and that he can see us being friends one day and when I talked like I’d never see him again he told me off for being silly, ‘saying of course we’re going to see each other again.’ I asked him if he was genuinely wanted that or if he was just saying it because he felt guilty and he said it wasn’t to do with guilt it was because he cared about me and I’d always be special to him.The day after the split he had to go back to uni, which was so hard for me, knowing he was going so far away. We’ve been in touch a bit since, with the odd text, one phone call and one chat on msn. I got really upset because on msn he sounded really happy and like he knew he’d made the right decision and that he was excited about joining up with various activities etc and I felt if he really liked me he wouldn’t be sounding so good only 3 days later. He said it wasn’t like that, but that he was happy he could sort of start a fresh and glad he could think about himself more but that he worried about me because I was so upset. When I later confronted him about this again via text at first he said he was drunk and didn’t want to text back like that and would talk to me tomorrow, and the next day he text back saying: ‘I do care about you Hun-you know that- and I have to be sure of my decision cos otherwise I've hurt you for nothing- it's not like I'm just carrying on as if nothings happened - I still think about you a lot and I do miss you, but I'm trying to go about things as normal as possible. How are you today? xXxWhen I try and pin point what went wrong all I can think is that because we worked at the same job everyday this summer and then sometimes saw each other after work it was just too much and he felt stifled and it took all the excitement away. We went from one extreme to the other, of only seeing each other occasionally to nearly all the time. Some of my best friends also worked with me so I was seeing them on a daily basis where as none of his friends worked there so he wasn’t seeing them all the time like I was able too. He said when you’re in a relationship you get comfortable and don’t go out as much and see your friends and he didn’t like being that person. But being in a relationship never stopped me going out with my friends and he saw his friends quite often.Another thing is that when his long-term girlfriend dumped him when he was in his teens, he was heart broken, developed depression and it took him 3 years to get over her. He stayed away from relationships for 4 or 5 years until he met me because he was afraid of getting hurt, but he finally felt he could handle it with me and we started going out. Could he be breaking up with me because he feels the relationship is getting too serious and he can’t handle having to deal with something like that again?I just don’t feel like the relationship had run its course, it felt like there was still so much to come and for us to do. We’d talked about going away together again at Christmas and the day before he broke up with me he was saying he knew what he was going to get me for my Christmas present. He says one of the reasons he broke up with me was so he didn’t have to worry about me, just himself, but he still wants me to contact him to let him know how I’m doing because he’s worried about me. I don’t see why he can’t be with me but still do all these things he wants to do, why can’t he manage both? I feel like my feelings must be deeper for him then his are for me. I don’t understand why he didn’t talk to me sooner over summer so we could try and work things out. I feel he was just hoping his feelings of unease would go away, only they didn’t, they just got worse. I don’t know what to do, he makes me so happy, I feel I would happily wait for him, but I worry he never sees us getting back together and I don’t want to hold out hope for something that will never come. I want to give him his space and ultimately for him to be happy, but I just want so much to be a part of what makes him happy. Please share your advice on what I should do. Have his feelings just changed for me or is he scared of getting hurt like he did when he was younger. Why can’t he concentrate on himself and still be with me when we’re long distance anyway? I just don’t know what to do or think.
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a break, at work, best friend, broke up, christmas, drunk, kissing, long distance, msn, on holiday, shy, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): Hi
long distance relationships are hard work. I hate to say it but in my experience of people I know who have had long distance relationships none have worked. One of the partners has always gone off with someone nearer to where they are working/studying. Sorry but its true.
I would love to say he'll come back but he might not. Please spare yourself the agony, and break off all contact with him and give yourself the time to think. Of course he sounded selfish when he said these things...because he was being selfish. He's not ready for your level of commitment, he still wants to go out and party and see other people, its the old "its not you, its me" thing. my ex told me something similar, right before he ran off with another woman. Ignore him, he is not being 100% honest with you in my opinion. Find someone who deserves you.
A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (22 September 2007):
 he's afraid of becoming dependant on a relationship and falling in love with you because he has barriers up because he was hurt when he was 15 and dpesn't want history to repeat itself.
he needs the time and space like he says to figure his head out and understands truely what he thinks and wants in respect of your relationship.
it sounds like he cares about you a great deal and being with you whilst deciding if his heart is in it would cloud his judgement because you are important to him and he knows how happy he is around you, he's comfortable with you and he wants a relationship like this, so he's distanting himself to enable a fair and unjudgemental decision.
i think you need a time out and in due course, if it's meant to be, he'll realise that he doesn't want to not have you in his life, but if you constantly try to contact him you'll push him away. as difficult as it is, try and give him space and then he'll have the chance to work out what he wants.
i wish you luck
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