A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok here goes I have been married for many years, Married at 19. Things have not been all bad but for a while now I have not been happy almost left last year a few times. Things are still rocky. I happened to call my brother in law (my husbands sisters husband) around March and he was heart broken by the fact that she was leaving him they have had issues all along. Honestly this started out all wrong i drove to his house with the intent of just having sex ( they had not had sex in 18 months and my sex life has always been lacking, sex isnt everything but it is important) He and I had talked a few times the last year about fixing my marriage and nothing changed there for me. SO any way I went to his home and we had sex for 3 hours straight and many orgasms he and I fit together perfectly and there was no awkwardness or insecurities it was the most perfect comfortable sex ever. My intent still was for it to be just sex we have been together only 6 times sexually in the 4 months, and spent countless hours on he phone and just time together I have fallen hard for him yet I am still guarded as there are many things in the way before we can be together if that is what we decide after all is taken care of. It is complicated he has 2 beautiful children and I have one of my own. They mean the world to both of us and we will both put our children first as it should be. It will be a long road (at least a year after he gets his divorce) before we can really plan a life together (again if that is what we choose), we know it will be complicated, but honestly I believe this is a man I could be completely happy with for the rest of my life. I love his family, My family loves him, yet i know if we go public that could change. I know it will be a long complicated road to be together if ever we can. But One thing is for certain we will be in each others lives for many years to come. My question is does anyone have any advice things we may not have thought of, I know it has only been 4 months and it may not make it to where we can honestly be together but for now we love each other and are taking it day by day and being supportive of each others situations. Has anyone ever heard of this working?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst Divorce was happening in both our marriages before getting together even crossed our minds. Well this weekend was interesting. He is drinking again @_@ It was definetly an eye opener. He was sleeping all day and a little irritable. The thing is I do love him, and at this point in time instead of walking away which I could have easily done, I stayed. I want him to know there is someone in his life that wont turn and walk away from him, someone that will accept all of him and love him still. He needs someone to just be there. I do not have any doubts about our relationship I know he is a good man and we could be happy, the thing I have doubts about are weather or not he can stop drinking and weather or not I am up for that kind of trust issues with a partner. Especially starting out. I know I will be there for him no matter what, people make mistakes, and I dont give up easily. He needs to get better and he needs to want it if he feels he has noone then why stop? But then at the same time I am here for him he knows that and he is still drinking? (the "trigger" was being at his house where he lived with his wife and kids she left him and cleaned out her things and this was the first time he was alone there) I know an excuse just the same. I believe he has it in him to quit. Opinions welcome and needed :)Weather you agree with my relationship with him or not pray that he stops drinking. He has 2 kids that need their Daddy better. Thank you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Sex is not all. This person as well as yourself need to take the highroad. Divorce hurts children the most. keep your memories and leave this relationship. Be strong your
children need you. Be morally right, and strong. This man will do this to you in 5 years or less and you will not like it. This is what I have seen happen over and over again in my lifetime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): I suggest you do. Keep us posted about what happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your time and opinions :) He was sober for 4 years before this happened. I realize it will be a long road if ever it could happen. Im just going to take it one day at a time. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Maybe 19 was a bit young to get married...
I always thought it was but whats done is done.
Again you can't really solve your brother in laws marriage. Its their problem. Its not anything that you can fix. Its not your place to fix it.
It is your place however to give your husband that chance. Your heart seems however to be set on your brother in law. This doesn't exactly give your husband the best chance, and your children?!
To be fair on you, the question doesn't state; 'Give me a lecture because I'm not sure what to do'. It states whether they will work out or not.
You married who you thought was the love of your life. Your husband was meant to be the love of your life. I don't personally from the angle that you've given me to see your life, don't think its going to work out. For one your husband will kill his brother. Two both of your children will get into difficulties. Three both your families will give you grief, particularly your brother in laws. Four I don't think his wife will let you and him go very easily. Five he was sober for 4 months then went back to it. So what hes been good for 2 months. If hes unable to see his children only every other week its going to create pressure on him, as well as my other reasons which although MIGHT happen, if they do hes almost pressurized not to love you. As well as the alcohol and depression coming back...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Oy! You don't want to hear it I'm sure but it doesn't sound like you're onto a winner here. Your BIL has so many problems and you can't solve them for him. He has to fix them himself, then come back to you after being divorced and a year sober. The reason why you fell out of love with your husband is extremely simple: not enough time together. Your BIL was willing to take time to talk to you, and so you fell in love with him. You wanted admiration, attention and to feel needed, and you were not getting these feeling from your family. Did you ever tell your husband that he had a choice between spending more time doing fun things with just you, or losing you? He needs to know. It sounds like you need to go to my favorite relationship-advice site and read the articles on "Not Enough Time Together"http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5044a_qa.html"Emotional Needs"http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.htmland "Basic Concepts"http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.htmlThis is the very best advice I can give you... do read those articles and see what you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank all of you and will keep you posted as things progress (or dont, depending on the situation)
as one reader suggested i will break it down in sections hope this explains my situation.
Section 1 - my marriage i have been married for 13 years married at 19. No the whole marriage has not been bad. We have had ups and downs like anyone. Here is the problem (honestly me) when we met he worked alot i thought wow a great man who is a hard worker and great provider. Doesnt drink or smoke or waste money. He loves me And I Love him. I thought I could love enough in the time we were together to make up for the times we were apart. how ever during our first 6 yrs we did things together dinner, movies, snowmobiling, seadooing, and so on. After we had our daughter those things stopped as some do but now that she is older we could do those things again but he chooses to work. A family business and his regular job. between the 2 he is home only to sleep and maybe 3 hours a week other than that. (to me sleep doesnt count as quality time sorry)
for the first 5 years of my daughters life I burried myself into her so many classes and lessons for her and her friends. I love my daughter more than anything in the world. But last year i came to the realization I had lost myself and I missed her. not to mention I felt like a widow since i was always alone raising our daughter. So i decided to do some things for me. I discovered last year that I was growing and changing with life, but he was staying the same not changing always working and when discussed was unwilling/ unable to change. I made every attempt last year to save a already sunken ship. many of you will ask why i am still here and the easiest answer is my daughter.
Section 2- my brother in law and his wife - yes i cannot change anything there. This is there situation they have been married 7 years, not all bad either. He was and alcoholic which caused issues when they had their first child (alcholism acceptable when you can both drink seems). So he went to rehab was sober for 4 years, last year they had their second child, basically cause she wanted a child. that brings us to this year he fell off the wagon early this year. I cant blame her for it cause he took the drink but the force behind that bottle was definetly her( she was mentally, emotionally, and physically abussive their whole marriage, mind you behind closed doors). At this point they had not slept together or in the same bed for over a year and a half ( points clearly to issues before the drinking) she kicked him out around the time i called him and we hooked up. she is totally done with him and not supportive at all totally abandoned him. She would say things like wed be better off if you would just die. So one day he drank too much and was "going to kill himself" he called me. Give her what she wanted, she thought the timing was bad because it was when she needed to be somewhere so she didnt show up. just went about her day and actually said when i spoke with her "well at least we are on the same page" meaning it was good he was trying to kill himself it would make her life better. From that day on he and talked every day yes he has a problem but he needed someone. He went to a 28 day rehab and has been sober for 2 months now. She has taken the children and moved 2 1/2 hours away from him and only wants him to see the kids everyother week. since his rehab he and i have talked every day.
Section 3 - my brother in law and I clearly our marriages were over before we were together. As far as us, we have formed a very strong friendship, and strong feelings for each other ( yes i believe we really love each other) How ever the situation is extremely complicated and we are both willing to give it the time it needs ( time to get it right, as right as it can be) time will tell where this will go yes we enjoy each others company ( aside from sex)
we have more in common than just sex. Yes he has a drinking problem but he has been sober for 2 months and weather he and i end up together I plan to be there for him for a very long time, as I know he does me. Yes his marriage is over (and i know not until the papers are signed, but it will happen) We have plenty of time we need to give this all the time it needs. We cant make mistakes in this it could cost us both to much. But we do want to be together. So like I said I will keep you all posted as much as I can. Thank you all for taking the time to respond :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Careful, if you and your lover fulfill too many needs, you both may find yourself too comfortable to leave your bad marriages. Which will make the situation much worse down the road. Fix your marriages or end them, but having an affair is the worst thing you can do, both for your kids and for yourselves. The kids live in a loveless home, and also see a parent being dishonest in a fundamental way. The pair having the affair live in an increasingly unstable way-- miserable most of the time, with brief moments of escape. And of course the deceived spouses are miserable and withdrawn all of the time, and wasting their life with someone who doesn't love them.Lots of ladies here on dearcupid who have written in because they were in an affair with a married man, decided to leave their marriages, but their lover decided to stick with his wife but keep screwing around on the side. That's because their lover was able to get all his needs fulfilled one way or the other, so no longer needed to fix or leave his marriage. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?If you hope to be together with your lover one day, you may be best off staying away from each other until both of you have finalized divorces. Another point, is have both of you really learned the most important lesson of marriage, which is how to make love stay? If you have not learned this lesson, you may be doomed to repeat the loss with every new love until you do. I hate to rain on your parade, but it is time to sober up and do your very best to end this situation, one way or the other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): If you put things into blocks it might be easier to suss out. Can I just point out I don't encourage affairs but happiness.
If you say section 1 is your husband and your relationship, then thats easy to solve. If you are unhappy, quite simply you can give him that one last chance with marriage consuelling and end it.
Section 2 can be your brother-in law and his wifes divorce, but thats something you can't really affect.
Section 3 would be your brother-in law and you coming out. But with this there would be all this children stuff you have to sort out. As you said, the most important people in this are your children.
You need to make as many not if all people in this happy. To be honest I think your husband would be furious with your brother but, if you do give him that one last shot, he can't so much blame you.
You say you gave him 13 years. Where you unhappy for 13 years?! Because if you were happy he was doing something right?! If you were unhappy why did you bring children into the world through him?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it seemed like it was all about sex i didnt mean it to sound that way thats how it started out my intention was to keep it that way. Things didnt exactly go as planned i realize that alone makes me a bad person. I have given my husband a chance, 13 years. Last year when i almost left he changed nothing didnt even bat an eyelash was like if thats what you want, detached and emotionless. That to me is no way to live. Thing is I have been living this way for some time I just played the perfect family card like alot of people do. I just feel like I deserve someone to care for me and someone to want me. I do realize this situation may not be permanent but we are happy when we are together we talk every day, and I know that either of us would do anything for the other. Our Children are very important to us and as far as us being together it will be quiet until the appropriate time ( if such time occurs). My Husband is a great Father (when he is around) he is around for my daughter around 3 hours a week not counting sleeping and most of that time is spent with him on the computer. His wife is honestly not the best she only has the kids cause thats what she thinks makes her look better in this situation. I know she loves them but if she didnt have to deal with them she would be happier. Any way I honestly dont know if it will ever work but he is what makes me happy at this time in my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Erm I don't personally know of anything as such, but on the surface it appears like lust and possibly just a short time thing. This was backed up with the fact that your almost basing it on your sex life.
As you said, sex isn't everything to do with it. I suggest you seriously wait, and wait and wait before you realize that you do love each other.
You are still married. You swore the rest of your life with your husband. How about you actually give your husband a chance?! And yes you should put your children first. They are totally innocent - almost an innocent as your husband and your brother-in-laws wife.
This is based on your happiness though. I know this isn't your question but I feel I should 'alert' you.
As you said, it has only just been 4 months, how the HELL can you say hes the love of your life compared with the many, MANY (11-16) YEARS you've been with the person you said THEN was the love of your life.
If you putting your children first, would your child want to be taken away from his dad and his Uncle and you having a relationship. That could make Christmas awkward.
As you said as well, its a complicated and awkward situation. I suggest you be patient and wait. I think you need to talk to both your husband and your brother in law, but again this isn't your question.
I don't personally think it'll work. I think when it comes out your husband will be angry, your brother-in-laws wife will be angry. The kids will be upset and they'll be a huge custody thing. It'll get worse, more awkward and complicated to the point where you are forced from each other and then you'll be with no one.
But thats my opinion, I hope other Aunts and Uncles reply to see their opinion.
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