A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been happily married for one year to an absolutely amazing man. I love him so much and don't want to hurt him, but I can't help having feelings for my ex. I don't want to leave my husband so much as I wish I could experience what my life would have been like if it had worked out with my ex. The hardest part is that we didn't end because we stopped loving each other, it ended because he was deploying to Iraq and got scared about leaving someone behind. While I may not ever act on these thoughts and feelings they still make me feel very guilty. Cutting off communication with my ex would be like tearing a hole in my heart. Even if that's the right thing to do, I still love him. I don't know how to make myself do the right thing, how much to tell my husband, or how to stop these feelings. Any help?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): We all get doubts and if we allow them to fester they can grow out of all proportion. Truth is; we could be happily married to lots of people and the person that we marry will always seem mundane because they share our lives. Commitment is not just the fun feelings, marriage is a contract based on love and commitment. Love is about hard times as well as the lovey stuff. I have been married for 32 years, for 20 of those years my wife has had ms. But, on balance I think we have a sucessful marriage. NOT a perfect one, lifes not perfect. Learn to grow together become that special team that will take on the World.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2007): Goodness.
I think pining for someone who made the choice to say no, move on-you need to take it at face value. He made a choice and it is always hardest when another ends it.
Attachment and abandonment issues are very hard to live with and counselling will help you retrain your thinking-to put you in a healthier perspective.
If you honestly believe you married your husband not for love but because you didn't want to be alone-sorry to say it but staying married is a fair choice as you were still and adult and you made vows of commitment.
Too many people rob themselves of happiness and joy by putting all their energy into focusing on what they didn't have and what they don't have.
Attitude.
Be in the here and now and be thankful for what you do have.
He is kind? He is loving? He is responsive? He is a good friend? He is reliable emotionally, financially? He is trusthworthy? He treats you with love and respect? His caress soothes?
I say get some individual counselling-it helps to talk about it all and you can gain closure over the Ex, heal and move on.
Best of Wishes.
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