A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:My boyfriend says he loves me and isn't looking for anyone else. I commented today about how lame skankygirl pirate costumes are. He said he hopes they're around for a long time. I'm insecure by nature and the thought of him looking at other girls bothers me. He says things like that but then freaks out when he realizes how upset he's made me. But it's like he hasn't learned how badly it hurts me. I never comment on other attractive guys. And I get the whole "in a relationship but not dead yet" thing. I guess I just want him to only have eyes for me.
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female
reader, Battista  +, writes (24 October 2011):
I look at other people, so does my other half. It doesn't mean anything though, it's just looking. If I see a man in the street, or on TV or whatever, and I think he is handsome, it doesn't mean that I automatically think any less of my OH. I only have eyes for him, but it doesn't mean I'm blind to anyone I see who is good looking, only that there's nothing more to it than that. To spout the old cliche, looks are only skin-deep. Similarly, if he were to see a gorgeous woman, I wouldn't be bothered. It's just someone you see in the street and nothing more. Doesn't mean he is going to up and leave me.
I think the key here is that you say you are naturally insecure. That is something you need to work on for your own benefit. Have you had a bad experience which has made you feel this way?
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I used to date a lovely woman who - much like you - could have written this note.....
She was SO quick to be "hurt" by even the most innocuous of comment.... AND, she actually insisted that I turn my head away from her, if we ever encountered a cute woman whilest we were walking..... It was bizarre.... AND unnatural.... and I had to walk away from her.....
Consider if, maybe, HE is OK, and YOU'RE a little too sensitive.....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2011):
 I find most Halloween outfits for women/teens rather skanky and they are getting skankier by the year.
I think you aked him a totally different question then what he answered too. As in you aked him to agree with you, he thought you wanted his personal opinion.
I don't know why you think he isn't allowed to notice other girls, because YOU don't notice other guys?
Noticing a good looking person of the opposite gender doesn't mean you are unhappy with the person you are with, or that you constantly compare your partner to them. It's called human nature. Even noticing good looking people of out own gender, is pretty darn normal.
You need to take control of your insecurities and work on them. You can't expect your BF or others to "fix" those for you. They can help you along, but not by lying.
Also have you considered he was goading you a little? Trying to get a raise out of you? Trying to be witty? Or maybe even hinting that he'd like YOU in one?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 October 2011):
 I found it hard to come to terms with this as well, but everyone finds others attractive sometimes. It doesn't mean anything unless they're being jerks about it (like staring a lot, making lewd comments, doing lots of double takes, etc...). While he's an idiot for saying that, I don't think you should write him off for it. I know it's hard to do, but you should try not to look. Like don't stare at his eyeballs every time an attractive woman walks past and pretty soon you'll stop caring.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 October 2011):
 "I commented today about how lame skankygirl pirate costumes are. He said he hopes they're around for a long time."
You asked, and he answered honestly. Ask yourself if you want him to be honest, or to lie in order to give the "correct" answer. Besides, you could definitely use this knowledge to your advantage, maybe get one of those costumes for yourself.
"I guess I just want him to only have eyes for me."
Maybe so, but I doubt it. In my experience, every woman says this, but most of them do in fact want a virile, confident man who isn't blind, just in control of himself. Despite their words, from what I've seen, women *feel* better about being chosen by a man who had options. Must be some competitive instinct, I'm not really sure. You could be an exception, but even so, doesn't it give you a sense of pride to know you were chosen as the best option, rather than as the only option?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (23 October 2011):
 I am going to agree with other people here -- generally people are going to be looking at other people. I know us guys think about sex a lot and generally ANY girl we meet we assess whether they are attractive within the first few minutes of meeting her (if not sooner).What matters most, though, is what we do with those thoughts. 98% of guys control it and realize that realistically we aren't going to sleep with every woman we meet. Also, there is the moral aspect of it as well.While we may acknowledge that a woman is attractive, it shouldn't mean that you aren't any less worthy in our eyes. While I admit, your boyfriend was a bit of a cad in mentioning his attraction aloud, I think it should indicate to you that he feels comfortable around you. During the dating process too, you should be able to determine whether he is in the 98% of guys who aren't going to stray at the sight of a pretty girl, or one of the slugs that fall in the 2%.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): I think it's pretty normal to look at other people. I know it's not a romantic idea, but it's unreasonable to think that he's always going to think you are the most attractive or physically interesting person at every moment. However, he probably does think you're the most worthy companion if he's staying with you and making an effort to make you feel more secure. I'm not at all suggesting he should leer at other women and you should put up with it, but to expect him not to even aesthetically admire other women borders on mind control. There are a lot of ways you can deal with those sorts of comments rather than taking it personally and as a judgment of you…You could ask him if it would turn him on if you wore an eye patch and sported a hook in the bedroom next time...You could just call him a perv and laugh it off. But letting your jealousy get the best of you over such a small comment can wear on people.Jealousy isn't a bad thing. I can't remember whom I'm quoting, but someone once told me, "Jealousy always masks a desire for a hidden potential" In other words, you can't really be jealous of what you don't already have potential for; like your boyfriend's sexual attention. For the sake of contrast, you might admire a piano virtuoso, but you will probably not be jealous of them because you on some level know that you’ll never be a piano virtuoso. Jealousy is a pretty specific feeling and the upside of it is that it can motivate you to take care of yourself, look good for your partner, and improve yourself. It needn't always be a negative thing. But if you let it overwhelm you, then your partner has to tip toe your potential feelings and it can overwhelm him too.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (23 October 2011):
 Why not get one of these pirate outfits and dress up for your bf? Maybe afterwards whenever he thinks about those outfits, he'll picture you wearing it ;) will be a nice treat for him too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2011): HiIt is a fact of life....people look at other people. My guy once said to me...it's natural to look if you see a Ferrari...that did not go down too well... he he he! but I got over it with humour when i put him on the spot by asking him what type of car i was then to him. As a little foot note the pirate outfit....i have a red one fancy dress that i have worn to parties ..and i love it....skanky is unfair it's fun to play sometimes and let your hair down...do you maybe need to turn into the Ferrari sometimes for your man? it may make you feel good
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