A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am an adult male with Aspergers Syndrome, who is trying to have a fulfilling dating life. The problem is, with Aspergers, I don’t see the connection between myself and the other person so readily. An example would be, someone would tell me that they are carrying a heavy bag upstairs and I would say “ok”, as if it was an information report and nothing else. Then that person would turn around and say angrily, “Why didn’t you offer to help me!?” For which I would say, “Because you didn’t ask for help.” It is not that I don’t care, I just lack the natural intuition to see the connection between people. I want to change this and connect with women better so I can date and have meaningful relationships. With that said, is there any sites or books to recommend, that would help someone in my condition improve themselves, so they can enter the dating world and find a meaningful relationship? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I live with the yin and yang symbol around my neck and tattooed on my back to always remind to find my balance. I'm not afraid to cry or show emotion but I will also kick butt with eight years of Shotokan karate training.
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (29 December 2010):
 It's not necessarily a matter of lacking intuition and I wouldn't blame that particular case on Asperger's, in that instance you were expected to automatically know what she wanted. A statement like that is a way of saying 'I want help but won't ask for it'. Some women are like that, they expect others to anticipate their needs and react poorly when they're not met. Many other women are direct and don't play those games. The key is to find one like the latter.
As for books, I don't know of any specifically for that purpose, but I can offer some advice. Try not to focus too much on your condition, it's not the only aspect of your personality and most minor social mistakes can be overlooked. Just make sure you're polite, open doors for your date and all that. Beyond that I don't think of chivalry as an obligation. It's nice to offer help without being asked, yes, but definitely not required in every circumstance. You might miss a cue here and there, but it's really not a big deal in the long run.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I'm a 22-year-old female with Asperger's and I have the same problem. The typical complaint from ex-boyfriends is that I'm not emotional/empathetic enough (I don't mean to be that way) and one even told me I would make a good serial killer! I have not dated anyone seriously since discovering (recently) that I am an Aspie but if I were to do so I would definitely be up front with them about my differences. Anyone who would be put off by the revelation isn't someone I would want to date in the long term anyway... and it's my hope that making partners aware of this fact about me will help them to understand that I don't *mean* to lack empathy... my thought processes just aren't wired to include it, so unless I make a conscious effort to do so I will come across as colder and more aloof than I intend!
I do think that by being aware of the ways in which Asperger's affects us, we can pay more attention to overcoming these tendencies. For example, I'm trying to see things better from other people's perspectives and not think of everything in terms of my own reaction to it. I find that it often requires me to consciously ask myself what I think the other person is thinking or feeling, and it definitely doesn't come naturally, but I am noticing small changes in the ways I interact with others and I'm hoping that as time passes these things will come more naturally.
Good luck, and know that you're not alone :)
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A
female
reader, brussells  +, writes (29 December 2010):
I think the most important thing for you is finding somebody that understands your Aspergers fully, and understands all the things that come with it. one of my best friends has Aspergers and i saw how difficult it was for him to date, but now hes settled with someone, theyve been together almost two years now and ive never seen him happier, so it is possible, defianatly dont give up, you deserve to find someone :)
try explaining your situation to the person, if they understand, they cant possibly get mad at you for little things like you mentioned, and if they do, then they really arent worth it.
when you find someone that understands you, cares for you, and wants you, it shouldnt get in the way.
and as for your comment about 'improving' yourself, you shouldnt feel the need improve or change yourself, you seem like a really nice guy, and i really do hope things work out for you, cause you deserve to be happy with someone that loves and understands you..
best of luck 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Well, you sound like a wonderful guy and very insightful. Just explaining something like this to a girl would help her know how to communicate better with you... I don't think you'll have a problem dating women, as long as you're communicating and being clear about your syndrome.
Try amazon.com for books on the topic... But, something tells me you're fine!
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