A
male
age
51-59,
*b4975
writes:We met 1.5 years ago and only after 4 hours had an instant connection. She 29 me 39. We were both in relationships that were going nowhere. We both broke off our relationships, waited about a month and started dating. We didn't kiss or anything before we were out of our previous relationships, however we did talk a lot. We lived 1000 miles apart so it was a LDR. Fell in love quickly. Was seeing each other every 3 weeks for about 4 days a shot. Talked every day and said goodnight by phone every night. She said I was the first person that she was ever in love with. She would be my 4th. I was married in my previous relationship and my wife passed away suddenly, this was 4 years prior, however I was over the trauma of that situation and dated a ton in the period up to meeting her but never found “the one”. I own my own business and am pretty successful.Things were mainly good besides some trust issues. I am very open with my feelings she was and is not. Main trust issues that she had tons of guy friends who she would talk to on a semi-regular basis but never in front of me. Always kept cell phone face side down. She also is a flirt. However I figured if she is going to move in with me that she wanted to be with me and that's that.She quit her job and moved in with me 6 months ago. Not collecting unemployment nor did she have health insurance or any money saved. We were sure we were going to get married and this was the step before getting engaged. Things were good at first. I agreed to give her $1200 a month for 4 months to cover her expenses while she decorated/updated the house. She did a ton of work and a good job. She was going to start her own business but after 3 months and the house mainly done she wasn't doing much of anything. This caused resentment on my part. I started pressuring her to get moving on the business and I wasn't going to give her any more money - which was a problem since she had a car payment and credit card bills. I would make comments about the heat being on high and that I thought she wasted money. I could afford it with no problem but I have issues with spending money.She got a job from her “best friend” which is a rich male friend doing some personal shopping for one of his business associates. I said this was fine as she needed the money and I sort of cut her off (was still buying food, clothes, etc for her). After one night when she got back from giving the guy the clothes we went out and had a good time and got drunk. I went downstairs to get a drink and had a funny feeling in my gut so I checked her phone (not something I did on a regular basis). The personal shopping was for this “guy” and he was saying how much he enjoyed his clothes. Then the next text was how my gf “held his heart”. This blew me away. I trusted her and she completely shattered that trust. Confronted her the next day on it after a sleepless night and she admitted it was with him but they are just best friends. It isn't a physical relationship (I'm 95% sure of this) but its defiantly a deep emotional relationship (basically a loving relationship without the sex). I made her order a book on the kindle about this type of relationship and how destructive it is if you are in a relationship with someone else. She refused to read it as she said “we aren't married” and “this doesn't apply to me” (which it did completely. He is married with 2 kids and the wife has no idea about their friendship. He buys her expensive gifts at Christmas (ipad,ipods, etc.) and let her stay at his apartment in the city many times over the years. She lied to me about her relationship with this guy from day one. She said she wouldn't talk to him any more but was in a spot where I cut her off and she had no money so she needed the job. In hindsight I should have just given her the money for 2 or 3 more months and this most likely wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be at where I am today.This was 3 months ago. Things were bad since then and I continued not to be supportive of her and harboring tons of resentment for lying to me and her not doing anything to regain the trust (still hiding her phone, not letting me see her logged into facebook, etc). During this time she started her business and is starting to get her feet under her. 3 weeks after the above incident she started talking to him again. I didn't say anything for a month (to see if it was a sexual relationship, which its not) then confronted her on it. Nothing got resolved. 2 weeks ago she said she needed to move out. Finally at this point she opened up and said that she resented me for not supporting her and all the things I did to make her feel bad in the relationship – 3 months after she felt this way. I looked at my own behavior and felt really bad about it and I didn't do what I needed to do. She moved here for me and I didn't support her as well as I should have. However at the time I didn't see it this way. I was still resenting her for talking to the guy and not telling me the truth and not being able to trust her. Her inability to open up and tell me how she was feeling was a major part of this.When she told me she was moving out it shouldn't have come as much of a shock but it did. I suggested couples therapy (for at least 2 months prior) which she denied. I thought about it long and hard and figured she was bluffing. She wanted a month to move out so I said no, 2 weeks. She said she didn't feel like this was her home and that I could kick her out at any time (which I would never kick her out) but when I said 2 weeks she felt like I was kicking her out, which I said, no, you were the one who said they were moving out and not working on our relationship, so I am going to set some ground rules to reduce the pain.When we were fighting off an on (after she said she was going to move out) and I said a few things that she said really hurt her, I said them out of anger and usually quickly apologized after I said them but they stuck with her:“This whole relationship was a waste of time and money”“My wife would have never done this”“Since you lied to me throughout the relationship I want all the money back I gave you”“I'm done get your **** out of the bedroom” (this was the last straw – however I did this after I saw the last 2 text messages on her phone were from her ex boyfriend and her exex boyfriend, which sent me into a rage. And after I flew off the handle I apologized 10 minutes later and said I didn't mean it but it was too late at this point. (my point was these people are giving you advice on what to do? Her ex would get back together with her in a heartbeat))If I would give any advice to people is to not say things you cannot take back. However this is hard when you harbor a bunch of anger and it comes out suddenly in a fight.Here is something she wrote to me the other day:-------------------I think we are at the point where we need to start over in a different way… I’m afraid that if I stay we will end up just resenting each other more and more…perhaps even hating each other and you will end up telling me to leave your house anyways… I don’t feel at home anymore. I feel like if we fight I can’t sleep in the bedroom, touch the heat, or eat your food. I NEED to feel like a have a home; I NEED to feel secure (and I don’t mean financially, I mean emotionally, I have to clarify because I know that is what you would think)You said this is all because of the guy, but its really not. I understand I hurt you, but if you would of just loved me and showed me you loved me I would have had no problem not talking to him again. Instead you were saying mean things to me and not talking and I felt like I didn’t have anyone… Not my boy friend, not my best friend not anyone to talk to…My heart is broken and I need to fix it, I am tired of being sad and upset. I need to find my colors again and my way. I want to feel like I can stand on my own again.I love you very much; I just can’t stay here any more…. We can go to therapy together and if things work out then we can get a home together.-----------------In the last 2 weeks I tried and tried to get her to stay and work on our issues and go to therapy. A little too little a little too late.She moved out all her things yesterday. She moved all her stuff to storage and is renting a room in a house 10 miles away. For the last week things were good, but not good enough. In the last 2 days we have communicated more than in the last 1.5 years and defined the issues in our relationship so we both know what needs to be fixed. We both still love each other and are still in love with each other.She told me that the “guy” gave her some money to help her move out, along with her family and some other friends. This made me nuts that the guy who is basically responsible for half of this mess is enabling her to move out. I really want to tell his wife what is going on but I think that would be counter productive.I also think she is getting a ton of bad advice from her guy “friends”. Half of them over the years have said they want to be in a relationship with her but she tells them they are just friends. They don't want her to be in a relationship as they want that shot at her. She is very attractive and friendly.She states now that she is willing to go to therapy but needs time to heal and get on her feet.I wish she told me how she felt and how strongly she felt it at the time she started getting upset. Granted I should have seen it but I didn't. I do have issues with spending money (you could call me “tight”), its helped me become successful but it has messed up my relationship with someone I truly love.Once she lied to me that broke something in me and I pulled away to protect myself. It was a downward spiral from there. She also didn't do anything to regain my trust. So in turn I didn't do anything to support her.This is very new (moved her stuff out yesterday) but yet slept here (in the same bed, no sex) last night and we still haven't defined what exactly we are doing – taking a break? Broken up? Still boyfeind and girlfriend? I will get this defined by Monday when she is going to get the rest of her stuff out. I have no desire to go out dating or anything. I am very sad, heartbroken and upset. I just want to try to make this work.So the bottom line is that I need to be able to trust her. I don't see any way around this besides her opening up everything to me, phone, facebook, etc. This is what the therapist is going to say. I don't know if she is able to do this. She will also need to cut off the friendship with the “guy”. She also needs to open up and tell me how she is feeling when she is feeling it. She states that she doesn't know how to do this (she had not a very good childhood).I need to be way more supportive and I have no problem doing that. I really want to give this another shot and am willing to do what I need to do but in turn I need her to be trustworthy and open.The questions are:Now that she is gone, is there any hope of this working?Do you think that she just wants to break up or needs to get on her feet to feel self sufficient and to think about things? In the past she has felt guilty about breaking up with ex'es and finds it a failure if you aren't still friendly with them.I am going to do the NC rule. I have no problem doing this at all and will follow it to a T. Is the NC rule applicable in this situation?If I try and do the NC rule and she wants to start therapy what do I do?This is both of our faults, is there anything I'm missing one way or the other?Any and all opinions are welcomed and appreciated.Thanks!BB
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Are you a drama queen? Do you love going through that mess? It sounds like you do even though you will vehemently deny it. Prove me wrong and stick to the NC. It will amaze you in a few months what having that lack of stress will do for your self esteem. Then you can meet a nice girl you are compatible and happy with, and not deal with all that drama.Unless you are a drama queen which in that case, you will find some way to get into contact with her and start a whole new mess.
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