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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Two years ago I met this guy at work. There was an instant chemistry between us that I can’t begin to describe. I knew there was on my end, anyway; I didn’t find out until later that he felt the same way. I didn’t understand how I could be attracted so strongly to someone I barely knew, especially someone so unlike the “type” of guy I’d always fallen for in the past. He’s 20 years older than I am. I know from talking to him that I’m not his usual “type” either. Mentally, though, we just click. Same sense of humor, can finish each other’s sentences, and so on. It is obvious to everyone who sees us interact and honestly, I think only the fact that I’m 21 and he’s 41 keeps people from recognizing the nature of our feelings for each other.When I found out he was married (he doesn’t wear a ring, so I didn’t know immediately when I first met him) it hit me like a physical blow. He has children and I’m not going to ruin his marriage. He’s off limits. I can’t have him. I get that, and I would never ask it of him. I only wish I’d been there to meet him 20 years ago when he was single. My question is, how do I get over this guy? We see each other at work about once a week, and even if we didn’t, I can’t forget him. God knows, I’ve tried. I left the country for a month and a half thinking that maybe in a Third World desert, with no communication ties to home, I’d be able to forget him and move on. I’m sure that sounds exaggerated but it’s true and it was literally my response trying to extricate myself from these feelings. No luck. Maybe I’m stupid and naïve and no different than any girl who finds herself in love with a married man, but I think there’s more to it than that.It would have been so much easier if my feelings for him were unrequited, but knowing that he wishes we could be together as well just kills me. I’d never have told him of my own feelings; he was the first one to say something. Ever since he did, I find myself comparing the guys I date to him and of course, none of them measure up. I’ve never found a connection like this with someone before and unless I’m the luckiest girl in the world, I doubt I’ll ever find it again. How do I learn to accept this and settle for/"be happy with" someone who isn’t him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): i am so glad that you have made a decision not to get involved witht his married man and be labelled a homewrecker. this man is 20 yrs your senior. he had no right to tell you his "true" feelings. he subtely manipulated your feelings for him. please be careful of his true intentions. which middle aged man will not want to get it on with a young woman. this man certainly wants to. plse don't be fooled by his admission of honest feelings. and also be careful of not having an emotional afair with him. he will consume your life and waste your very existence. better leave his wife and kids to deal with his emotional needs.if he is going through a mid life crises, plse do not let you be his crises. it will destroy you. he will only use you FOR SEX, nothing more. he will not leave his wife, that is for sure. and you deserve more than what he could offer.if you are interested in mature older men, then try dating SINGLE mature men. men that are available. and men that will not lead you on. look at this with different eyes:- he knew he was married. he knew that the absence of a wedding ring may mean that he was perhaps available.- he knowingly and pruposefully led you on, by not revealing his marital status.- you are young, perhaps a bit naive. he used this to his advantage. seeking you out, enjoying your company, perhaps flirting with you as well.- this man, lied by ommission. it was like he was 'grooming" you, just like a paedo would groom his child victim.- by him revealing his so called feeling for you, he is actually holding you back from enjoying and getting on with your life. he "innocently" revealed this. what do you do, you think about him all the time, you are putting your life on hold while your thoughts are consumed .In the meanwhile he goes home to his wife, he also has sex with her (beleive me, men do have sex (and enjoy it) with their wives., no matter what they say. he leads a normal life but has left you in turmoil. this is not fair. slowly limit all contact with him. just communicate when very necessary but slowly cut off all ties. your life is just too precious to waste on someone like him. you will find the right man, maybe not just right now but soon.i wish you all the luck. remember life is so short. and you can be happy again, with a different someone that would not ly by ommisiion. that is the same as telling other lies.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): just because he says he wants to be with you does not mean that it is true. If there is anything i have learned is that men lie. Ok my married man told me he would never leave his wife. I have always known that but i still love him and he doesnt even know it, i think. I was told by a man that if a man wants to be with you he will make it happen. I believe that is true. My man told me that he loves his wife and it is not worth it being with me. Which is true because he has children. The point is that we need to stop hiding from reality. They are willing to play with us but that is it. I think we accept this because we do not love ourselves and we are willing to accept whatever we can get. But that is exactly what we need to change! We need to feel that we deserve everything. That is the difference bewtween us and the women who love themselves. I wish I felt that innately!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2009): You are going to have to stop comparing! I know this is difficult, but necessary. I do it myself.
Until you have an open mind to others who are available and interested...you will feel like a prisoner of this hopeless situation!
At times it seems that all the good guys are either taken, or gay! But that's life! No one said it was going to be easy. The first thing is to learn to be happy with yourself. Although you have to see him on a daily basis, you can train yourself not to think of him in a romantic way. I know that's hard to do...just keep trying!
Accept the fact that it can't be, and go after happiness!
I wish you luck and strength to get through this!
Britt
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