A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, My situation is rather complex, or perhaps it is not,but it feels it as been over a number of years. I am giving you the shortest version possible. I met a wonderful man 10 years ago, when I was 19 and I have to say was love at first sight. From then on, each day I would think if him and it turns out he thought of me, years later, I found out he got married and I was gutted, we ended up meeting and having an affair for 2 years, we fall madly in love and I believe and still believe he is the one. The problem is he has emotional issues (I am not making excuses, he is a bastard in highest form) Anyway, we are on each other level, have same humor, like same music, films, books, we think same thoughts on life etc and we just had amazing love between us, the problem was he was still married and kept saying he would leave and be with me,, She the wife, knew of me and knew he had met me. I mean it was not sorrid affair, most of the time, we hang out with mutual friends and he would stay half the week..But YES, still was wrong and I guess if admit deep down I was his mistress. He would not meet met family, introduce me to his friends from home etc, although we would meet mutual friends together, but he would not meet mine either and I hated that! One day after a massive row over this he got up and left the following morning and we seemed to be ok! That was the last time I heard from you (until recently) he emailed a few times to say he loves me, but can not give me what I want and his sorry and all that, that his always loved me since he was a teenager and I was always the one, but can't give me what I deserve. That was it, then a few months later I found out he had left his wife and met someone else, in fact he had moved into a flat with her, I found out by accident from friends and was devastated that he could do this after everything. I tried to get closure, but didn't.. I then met a lovely man, whom I am still with, who adores me and treats me well and is "Normal" I can't begin to tell you things he "EX" done, from not calling me ever on phone, to ignoring me over Christmas and just horrid stuff like that. Each time though he had an excuse and I fell for it.... Now, a year on from him leaving we started speaking again, on email. just as friends and about life, he is not happy with his girlf, still with her though!!! We then met up about six weeks ago, as was at a party with a mutual friends and we had a great night... we sat and spoke about everything. He said that he was scared of all the pressure I put on him, I then said that I knew about the girl, he admitted that and said he thought he would never be able to do all that stuff give me that and leave, turns out away from the pressure he could, He said he was sorry, that he has thought about me constantly and wishes he had met me now, that he will never stop loving me and I am the one, always have been always will be. Said that he dreaded speaking to me past year as knew I would confront him and hates confrontation, that his life is bad, money and job problems debts, I could go on!!!Stupidly I kissed him but if felt so right, his smell and way I fit in his arms, It is honestly like meant to be and yes I love my boyfriend, but it's not like that, I mean I missed his smell. I just know his the one! but I have learnt that means nothing! Since then, his gone back to being the same shit as always, going week or so without replying to my emails, not calling and being elusive, claming he loves me and misses me, but still not doing anything, just words.I am confused, I truly believe he is my soulmate and I have always wanted his child and to be with him, I can't explain it, it is a weird feeling, like I know he is the one, I knew it when first met him 10 years ago... My problem is I need to get over him and move on, because despite him being the one I think of all the time, I know he wont change, not now, will he?? So I need to cut contact and stop emailing him (It is always me that sends emails everyday and gets nothing back) It honestly brakes my heart, as I think we could have been amazing together, and I feel like we have never given our relationship a try, but I know that I am approaching 30 now and this is can't go on anymore, it is me doing the running and chasing, I think he just likes it and I am scared I am just a game to him, and again once again, years later I am the mug he plays. I have never loved or hated anyone so much. I need advice on how to get over this, how to stop emailing him everyday when there is no response, just once a week a few Love you words! I do believe though, that he means everything he says about loving me, and thinking I am the one, but also he is far screwed up. I also feel bad for my boyf who is lovely that I think someone else is the one, but then I think I am always going to think that, I have had loves the past 10 years and not one of them I loved like I love him, and that scares me, that if I don't end up with him, I will regret it always, as is should have been that way..Any advice much needed, to move on and get over this and forget him. Thank you for taking the time to read this xThank you, for taking the time to read this and give me advice.
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affair, christmas, debt, mistress, money, move on, moved in, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): i actually feel sorry for your current bf. he is getting a raw deal with you and he deserves someone better - better woman no to have an affair with a married man, and then still pining for the rat. i think your situation shows that karma is indeed working against you. you deliberately invaded his marriage and was the other woman. the rat n turn cheated on you and well you then got to feel how his wife would have felt. yes you need to move on, but without your boyfriend. you have too much of baggage and it is not fair to drag the bf through all the mess.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): It seems like you're in love with the idea of him more than anything else, the idea of what things could be. Not what they actually are.As long as you cling to this idea that he is your soul mate I think you will have trouble letting go.For all his excuses, if he really felt the same way, if he really felt the same click you did he wouldn't feel pressured when you indicated the depth of your feelings.Is a soulmate one sided? I don't think so.I think you need to take him off the pedestal you have placed him on. Stop the emailing, stop the communication - I agree with happy_joy202 that you should ensure that you have no way of getting in contact with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): OMG. i feel very sorry for your current boyfriend. your 'soulmate' is an asshole. if he loves you n acknowledges that he cannot provide all that you want for you, he will not be saying all those things about missing you n loving you. love is not just a feeling like happiness and sadness. love is a verb, a do-word. you dont just say i love you. you do a 'i love you'. your 'soulmate' obviously is not doing anything for you so dont fall for his words. his actions clearly show that he doesnt love nor miss you. this 'soulmate' person of yours is screwed up (deservedly so), so just stay away. dont get screwed up with him. treasure your current boyfriend by stopping these feelings for another man. it's tough. damn tough. but you've got to try to move on by ceasing all contact with him. it's the only way. your 'soulmate' has screwed up your life for a good 10 years. dont let him screw up the next few years. i'm sorry this reply sounds harsh but you've got something good going on with your current boyfriend. cherish that. all the best
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A
female
reader, happy_joy202 +, writes (26 August 2009):
let me start off by saying i know what you are talking about...im 21, and have been in love with my best friend for 3 years he has a girlfriend and a kid with her... we like you two are like minded on everything we even finish each others sentences etc..i truely love him for everything he is and everything he is not.so i do understand..i do believe he loves you , but you are cheating yourself by letting him control your heart, and you said you are always the one emailing him, calling etc.. you need to make up your mind one day and go through and erase every way you have of getting ahold of him do it fast without thinking about it.i know you probably got it memorized ..i do.but it couldnt hurt . believe me he knows he's got you whenever he wants you he can have you, sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it to. you deserve better. you may never get over him ,i feel that way myself sometimes, but i believe everything happens for a reason. maybe one day he'll realize it was really you all along. but until then you need to leave him be and let him come you no matter how bad it hurts..hope this helps...i'll try to add you as a friend please read and answer my question if you have time..it seems like you would understand mine situation
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Poor You! Give yourself some hugs, and know that you're not alone in this. :)
I thought I had met my soulmate-- it was a long-distance relationship, and when we met it was only for a few hours, but oh boy, those hours were intense. We were crazy about each other-- talked about everything, etc. And then when we got the chance, we decided to move in together. Huge mistake.
It took only two days for me to realize that I didn't know him that well after all, and that living with him would be an uphill battle (despite my being madly in love with him). He had emotional issues too-- way bigger than I realized. Every week I would say or do something that would make him explode-- the hurt was never physical, but his mean words penetrated my skin. After a month of walking on eggshells, I realized that I had to leave, to save the both of us. I did get out safely, but it was traumatic. I realized then how difficult it was to be in an abusive relationship, that rarely one could just "get up and leave." You're too much tied by your past. And the good times were always great (so was the sex!)
In your case, would suggest asking him if he would be willing to go to couples-counselling. If he says no, I think you'll have your answer (he's just using you-- time to move on). I broke up with my soulmate just recently, but I'm giving myself another month to get over him, and if I don't, I'll seek counselling for myself. There's no way he would seek it.
Please do take good care of yourself, love yourself, don't make any rash decisions (no quickie Vegas marriage!) Time does heal wounds. That's what I keep telling myself! Blessings!
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