A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend w/benefits, and we've been getting together about once a week for the past 4 months. A couple of weeks ago we were like attached at the hips for about 6 days and we did it at least once a day and he stayed the night with me a couple of times. I really, really like him and I want to know if he likes me more that just friend w/benefits. Its driving me nuts trying to figure it out. When we started this we both agreed nothing more that this. But I can't help myself and I'm falling for him. My mom and some of my friends think he does and tell me to just ask, but I can't take the rejection right now if he says no unless I'm prepared for it.So here are my 2 questions.....How can I tell if he wants to be more?Does he like me other than just friends with benefits, and how can I tell?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to let everyone know that all is well here with me and my friend. Since he has moved in we have gotten closer and are now officially together as boyfriend and girlfriend. Yippy lol. Things are great, and my kids love him. i was sick the other day and he got the kids up, made breakfast and got them off 2 school so i didn't have to. How sweet is that? Well I'll keep you updated as time goes by. Let me know if you guys have any pointers on how to keep this going and being happy.
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female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (14 August 2009):
 I don't agree that he'd tell you straight out if there was something more. There could be many reasons why he hasn't told you if he's feeling more than friendship, maybe he's afraid of commitment, maybe he's feeling like you and not wanting to risk rejection after you both agreed to be friends with benefits and nothing more.
I think you can tell by the things he says and the way he acts around you. I've been in exactly the same position as you, In fact your question could've been written for me! Trust your instincts, if you think he feels something for you then he probably does.
I totally get why you're afraid to say somehting, if he's not feeling the same way you risk losing him altogether right? and carrying on with what you have now is better than not having him at all?
You will have to speak up eventually hun, it's like living in limbo and it drives you crazy, there will come a time when you will have to tell him how you're feeling but there's no reason why that has to be now. Wait until you're ready and feeling strong enough. I really hope things work out for you x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): If there was something there you wouldn't be asking the question, you would know because he would tell you and he would make certain that in no uncertain terms did he want to lose you to someone else.
What do you hope to accomplish from this? Do you really think you are going to get the relationship you want from a man who is "using you". You had best put any idea or thought out of your mind that this will be anything but a poor excuse for a romance...there is no passion, there is no love and very little respect, there is just superficial, survival stuff going on here....he is just surviving and getting by and you are allowing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell he moved in and the first 3 nights he slept in my bed with me. we only did it one of those nights. the other 2 we just layed there watching movies. He has been in his room the rest of the time. i am enjoying it. this is why i still ask if there is something there. my ex can by the other night and started trouble with me and my mom(she was over visiting). and my friend was not here at the time and it ended up a huge argument and my ex shoved me and my mom(he was drunk). and my mom was telling my friend about how my ex pushed her and he didn't say anything but then when he found out i was pushed he got all mad. so is there something there from that or is he just being friends. and i had a date the other night and i think he was jealous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): Bad move, him moving in. He is clearly just a friend with benefits, and how confusing for your kids is this arrangement going to be and how will they feel when he leaves which he inevitably will.
You are both going to feel like you are suffocating each other because you don't have a solid foundation to your relationship.
This is really crossing boundaries and you haven't set any. You can't expect to suddenly ask for boundaries in relationship after you have accepted them on these terms, it won't work.
If you want him to move in as your partner, your boyfriend, say so and tell him you want exclusivity. Even so this is a really bad idea at this time...he isn't ready for that and he doesn't want that, he has told you.
What on earth are you thinking? Why is he moving in with you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk now here's a kicker. He is going to be moving in with me and my kids. But he will have his own room and stuff. So is it just a friend helping a friend or is there something that im hoping for and that's why i'm thinking there is something else going on? I've listened and takin everyone's answers into consideration and they have helped a little bit. I'm still hoping for something. I don't think that i'm in love with him but its more than just liking him as well. Help, i'm confused and i need someone to just tell me what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-fallback-girl-is-mr-unavailables-disgruntled-customer/
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/does-emotionally-unavailable-equal-hes-just-not-that-into-you/
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/
Here are a couple of articles for you to read, there are whole books about this subject as well, but you are definately with an emotionally unavailable man and it has nothing to do with you or your relationship and everything to do with him, therefore, nothing you do is going to change that, so don't be fooled into thinking that you can change him or anything about this whole situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): I really think you need to ask yourself why you are attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Because that is what he is and what he is doing to you.
A healthy, mature guy would not handle a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship like this. He has told you he doesn't want it to be personal, he has told you he doesn't want a relationship. Believe him.
So he is not a complete jerk, he is doing some friend type things with you, but this relationship has no future.
If you are satisfied with knowing that, then continue, but if I were in your shoes, I would start dating other men and not be available to see him six days in a row and I would leave my heart open to other men, taking care of myself. Or I would end the relationship. No one can tell you what to do, but if the guy isn't stepping up and claiming you, that is not a good sign, it is a red flag.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to add that we go out in public and we've gone to the movies a couple of times. He comes over and fixes things if I ask him to. I almost feel like we have already been doing the whole boyfriend/girlfriend type things already, but without the officialness of it. We don't hold hands or anything like that. During the 6 days we were together all the time he kissed me. After that he didn't talk to me for like 2 days and now he won't kiss me again. I asked him why he doesn't and he just says that it makes it personal. So now that I've added that how does that factor into your guys answers.
Does that change anything?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): I dunno, I think spending the whole night is kind of promising. Normally a FWD wouldn't do something so much like a boyfriend. Maybe after you two have sex you could suggest going to get some food or getting coffee. Not a date, just going out in public. If he agrees, you can kind of use it as a jumping off point, but don't push it too fast. If he seems hesitant or anything like that, it probably means he doesn't want anything more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): If he has been seeing you once a week for 4 months he sees you as a friend with benefits and you both agreed to it.
Just because he suddenly wanted to see you more frequently doesn't really mean he is having a change of heart. In fact he could have recently broke up with a girl he considered girlfriend material and he is rebounding with you, it could be that or anything.
Very rarely does a guy elevate a girl that he sees as just for sex to a girlfriend and you are settling for this so you have become less valuable in his eyes.
He likes the sex, he may like you, but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend.
Being a friend with benefits is always a good deal for the guy because he is not biologically hard wired to fall in love just because you are giving him sex, he doesn't bond with you just because of the sex.
Women do bond with the men they are having sex with, our brains and hormones and emotions see to it. You are developing feelings for him and you are going to have to come to terms at some point with it being over when he decides to move on.
It is possible that he wants more, but I think unlikely.
The best way to tell is to "tell" him what you want in a relationship with him, you don't have to ask, and see what he has to say or what he does about it.
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