A
female
age
41-50,
*ushedbuttons
writes:I know Im not unlike others. My husband who can be sweet when he chooses has been so mean lately. He gets mad at me at the slightest word he doesn't like. He can be so demanding of me and what he wants but today I only asked if he would stop to say hello after he had been home 20 or so minutes and he was so annoyed. Its really stupid and that is just to give an example of how stupid it usually is. He was horrible to me yesterday making an issue out of nothinhg and the only reason he made up with me is because he needed something. Now today he has his own agenda and im not top of the list. He says such hurtful things and things that dont make sense. I always have to wait for him to make up. I cant do or say anything to get it to happen sooner. If I give him space he picks up where he left off. I just walk on egg shells to make him happy and not get him upset but he just sort of has that "all about me" demeanor. He can say a million mean things but if i say one thing he doesnt like he repeats it over and over. Ive tried to improve with reacting so fast. I hold it in for a while but after some time I just cant and then i explode, mainly cussing or tossing something across the room. I always cry with frustration which he used to care but now he doesnt. For all the people who say get counseling I laugh, like it is that easy. Ive tried. He wont and makes excuses. We have a baby on the way. This is a stressful time for us financially but why do I have to be the object of his anger? Im the closest person to him and I know he loves me so much. He shows it when he is nice. He just cant handle his anger. I dont know what to do. Pushed Buttons. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 September 2010):
 I read your question twice through, and this could go a number of ways. First, the fact that you said you're pregnant possibly serves to amplify the feelings you're having with the way he's treating you. Sometimes, being pregnant makes us pretty touchy, moreso than other times.
I don't bring that up because I think you're in the wrong. Far from it. I bring it up because what you need now is the ability to tell him exactly how you feel about his treatment of you, and you need to go beyond responding emotionally to the words he's saying as he's saying them. The problem is, you're displacing how you're really feeling about him with reacting to the individual battles. Screaming, throwing, crying, while understandable, will not produce results, especially if he's showing signs of emotional callousness.
Here's my advice to you. Think about why his behavior is bothering you, and don't focus on the minutia of each slight incident. Think about how he's making you feel. Think about how he's hurting you and breaking your heart by his behavior. Tell him that you're scared that the way he's treating you is putting stress on the baby. Tell him that when he takes the stress of financial issues on you, that he's destroying the strongest aspect of his life: his marriage and teamwork with you.
Think about how you want to see your marriage. You say that he loves you? Think about what your marriage ideally would look like, and think of ways that BOTH of you could strengthen it. Make him feel like there's a problem that you need his help to solve, rather than rake him through the coals.
THEN, here's the real trick! WRITE it in a letter to him, or email him. This will accomplish the following:
1. It will slow you down and allow you (and him) to stay rational and focus on your message versus your delivery.
2. It will allow you to get your ENTIRE thoughts and feelings out without being interrupted and emotionally derailed, which I'm quite positive that 99% of your conversations end up like.
3. It will break the cycle of the same old things said, the same reactions, the same escalations. He can't tune you out when he's reading, and you can't slip into "emotional bludgeoning" when you feel your back is against the wall, stopping all successful communication.
4. You must end the conversation with an invitation to talk in person. This way, you'll feel like you got out everything you wanted to say to him, and hopefully, he'll have read the message and seen how you really feel about the way things are going.
I'm guessing that in this instance, you both are saying what you want to say at the top of each other's lungs, but aren't listening to each other. Rather, it's being filtered through individual reactions to each other. He's tuning you out and being callous, you're being emotionally reactive to a high degree.
Guys love to solve problems, and if you convey the communication issue as something separate from the both of you, and make it a problem both of you created and both of you can solve, you might be able to take a step. If it's his anger, you both can work out a system (like you leaving the room or saying a certain phrase) to deal with it. Also, your hormones are absolutely haywire if you're pregnant. Best to get this talked out before the baby comes, because THEN it's going to be a lot more work!
I can't stress enough - don't waste this shot talking about every little thing he does to make you mad. I'm saying be vulnerable. If you are afraid he hates you and is losing interest, SAY THAT! If you are walking on eggshells because of his temper and verbal abuse, say that! NEVER ASSUME that he should know how you feel without you saying it. Never assume that he can read between the lines of what you're saying. BE DIRECT, and be it in writing so that there's no chance of interruption or de-railing the conversation.
Good luck! There are other possible solutions, and I'll leave that to the other aunts to suggest.
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