A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy and we became extremely good friends especially since we had so many things in common. He was seeing a girl but it wasn't working out. The girl was jealous because we used to hang out a lot but we were just friends. Eventually we both realised that we had feelings for each other. She wanted him to stop talking to me but he wouldn't...So she stopped talking to himDays later after planning a nice birthday surprise for him, he confessed that he was in love with me. This was a shocker but deep inside i felt the same way.While i left the country for 10 days, his ex-girlfriend came back into the picture. He had broken up with her because she kept accusing him of cheating and wanted to dictate who he can talk to. She started telling him that she never stopped thinking about him blah blah.. He then believed that it was probably his fault that the relationship went wrong. He too still had feelings for her but he still had feelings for me. In the end he decided to go back talking to his ex. They are still not together because of many issues and one of them is that she wants him to stop talking to me. They still hang out together.As I was distraught by this, weeks later I told him that i could not speak to him anymore because it will be hard for me to be friends knowing that he was trying getting back with her. He kept begging me not to leave him because I am the only true friend that he has and nobody cares as much about him as I do and no one takes time to do the nice things that i do for him. He told me that he still loved me.Why is he telling me this when he is trying to get back with her? I know he is very confused but why is he confusing me when I am trying to move on.I tried to keep the story as short as possible.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (12 July 2009):
 Well, I am so sorry. I understand what you are saying about the one who shouldn't hurt you hurts you the most. I truly think it is for the best that you are backing away. You will get closure and healing and you can move on.
I will share with you that my "best friend" and I had a major falling out because I went to his house (after not being there for 4 weeks because he had no time for me) and asked to take some of my things home. He blew up at me which I do not understand why I shouldn't have my things if he doesn't have time for me. These are things like my personal belongings. You are so right, these guys were keeping their options open until they found someone else and we thought they were our friend. I don't think I will ever make good friends with someone of the opposite sex again.
You take care and I wish you all the best in finding romance with the right one!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. My conclusion is that he is trying to keep his options open from the things that he keeps telling me...So sad, how the one person that you wouldn't think would hurt...actually hurts you the most. I have decided to cut my ties with him whether he likes it or not. Now it's all about me :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. My conclusion is that he is trying to keep his options open from the things that he keeps telling me...So sad, how the one person that you wouldn't think would hurt...actually hurts you the most. I have decided to cut my ties with him whether he likes it or not. Now it's all about me :)
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 July 2009):
Sometimes dear we can not explain people's actions. I'm with you. My best friend is male and we get along so well, he says he loves me and finds me attractive yet he is so desperate to be with someone else. Now he has found someone and he is acting like he is mad at me. I called him today to see how he's doing and he was telling me about this girl he's seeing but he kept on saying "I'm not in love, I don't really know her, it's a process, we're still at that getting to know each other stage, kind of uncomfortable, etc. He asked if I was dating and I said I was and he seemed to be even more upset.
So, this pal that I did everything with now has no time for me and is acting like I've done something wrong.
You're guy, why does he care if he doesn't hear from you if he's with someone else. To me, it's crazy for him to say you don't understand and then to act like he's got some hold on you. I guess I don't know what to tell you. Perhaps he has some deep dark secret he can not share with you and it holds him back from a relationship with you. I really, really do not know.
All my best. I guess it would be best if you backed away a bit from him. Just for your own peace of mind and to get some kind of healing for yourself. That's what I'm doing. Gonna take a break. Sometimes it helps us to see clearly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe always talked about how he hated hurting people's feelings. I was realizing that he was really down and when I got him to talk, that is when i found out about the ex. He told me how it was difficult for him to choose and he even cried. I think he did make his decision to be with her. But every time i call her his girlfriend, he gets really cruel and tell me that she isn't. When I ask why, he says: "It's complicated"
I believe he had already told her that he is staying friends with me. That had caused a big argument and he was telling me now he remembered why he broke up with her. I have no problems being friend but not if that girl is his "girl friend". I told him that a friend told me great friends make great lovers and because I love him, it will be difficult for me to be his friend. I know this...That's when he told me that he loves me and that this is difficult for him.
I was trying really hard to let go but he keeps calling me. When i don't answer the phone. After the fifth or so call I would answer and he would freak out because he didn't hear from me for the day.
I don't understand why he would go back to a tensed relationship. The fact that his mother disliked her was a major problem. I am really confused and I would like to know how guys think
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): I think he loves both of you but I think he loves you more because you have more in common with him. You should ask him to chose one of you and break the relationship with the other.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): he loves you AS A FRIEND. don't overthink it. he is telling you that you won't be more than a friend.
his current girl that doesn't like you is a butthead. she should probably trust him to talk to other girls even if he does love one of them (you).
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 July 2009):
It sounds to me like you might be the backup plan for him if things don't work out with the other girl. It could well be that he cares for you both, too.
Sometimes when you have a friend of the opposite sex you can confuse the feelings of genuine love for a friend for romantic love. They are not the same but the feelings of love can be very confusing.
In this situation, I really think you would be better off with this guy as a friend. Friends last forever. But if the two of you are going to continue to be conflicted about your feelings it will destroy the friendship. So, have a talk with the guy and decide what you both want. If you both can live with the decision, enjoy it.
Regarding the girlfriend who wont let you talk to your friend, that will be an issue but he is the one who should stand up to her and say...she's my friend, she stays in my life because really girlfriends will come and go, true friends stay.
But if you have those feelings for him and you wont be satisfied as a friend then you probably need some time to decide if you can be his friend. Maybe you can't.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (3 July 2009):
I think he is trying to "keep his options open." Apparently she is higher on his priority list than you are, BUT if things don't work out between him and her then he will have you. (I only say that because you said he is trying to get back together with her but wants to keep you as a friend) I wouldn't stick around, it's not fair to you. Then again, I could be completely wrong- thats just what it seems like to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): Maybe he doesn't have those feelings for you, and if he did he would drop her cause she sounds really controlling, just tell him "If you really loved me then you wouldn't be trying to hook up with your ex"
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