A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I talked to my ex today, we had hung out last week, and it was like we were together again (she admitted this). I told her that I had feelings for her still, and because of that I couldn't be friends with her right now. I told her that I would want to be a part of her life, but couldn't with the way things are. She said that I could be a part of her life, and that she had been "trying". I didn't know if this was as friends or more (it had seemed like more when we hung out). I could tell it upset her a bit, but got off the phone. I want to be with her, did I screw up? What did I do, and what effect will it have. I want to text her and say that If she does want to be more than friends it would be different, but as long as that's what she wants I can't do it. Should I send the text? HELP
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): I don't think that necessarily changes things. Not only did she start something within days after your break up but they have also been childhood friends- this is huge because it says that she went for someone who she absolutely knew would start something right away with her. That means it is a rebound and she went to him because it was a SURE quick fix.Bottom line, if she is dating this person yet STILL wanting to spend time with you and acting like old times, then that is her way of showing you interest in starting something. You may have pulled the rug out from under her, and she may have taken that as rejection. You say that you still had feelings for her, yet you just distanced yourself from taking a chance. This most likely has messed things up with you two in terms of reconnecting.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I always thought the new guy was a rebound thiNg given the timing and that she Nd I talked about geting back together after they had been datin for a while. I hoped she would eventually realize this and miss me (she barely grieved for our three yr relationship, bc she was with him "to make her feel ok again"). I said it to her, so now I don't have to worry about what ifs. A small part of me hopes that saying it will get her thinking and maybe change get mind. If not, no harm no foul... I guess
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Yes, that changes things. You don't want to be strung along, and you still like her so you can't be friends with her because you need time away from her to move on. If she has a boyfriend under the circumstances you described, then yes, she won't be coming back to you.
But if you feel like you need closure and need to tell her all of this, then you should do it; nothing wrong with it.
If you don't feel the need to or just don't want to, then bottom line, you need to cut her out of your life and stop talking to her. Again, it's because you say, "...'friends' is not an option." And honestly, from what you're saying, I think you should stick with that or else you'll be stuck and suffering needlessly.
It doesn't matter if she wants you in her life (as a friend or whatever). You have to take care of yourself first and get your feelings straightened out before you can be truly just friends with her. It's reasonable and I think anyone reasonable can respect that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionReally?? Extra info: she got a new bf(childhood best friend who lives 3 hrs away in her hometown) dAys after our breakup. I don't want to be on a string, that's why I said what I did! Change anything?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): Don't think of it as a screw up. Just try to take action and fix it if you can and want to.
You're saying that "friends" is not an option... so what do you have to lose in contacting her again?
Insteading of texting though, just call her up again and tell her that you want to be with her and that you can't be just friends because you need space to move on and get over it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): You messed up. She may have been trying to develop something but you stopped her short. If it seemed like you were more than friends when you hung out, it was because you were heading that way. She wouldn't want to just be your friend and act that way, it would probably bother her too. Plus she wouldn't be upset when you had cut ties again. It's probably too late for that text since you hurt her feelings.
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A
female
reader, Meeshell +, writes (14 April 2010):
You're not ready for the friend zone yet, it just hurts too bad. I'm going through something similar. If you love her like a boyfriend, then that's all you're prepared to be for her right now. Otherwise it's just going to hurt you. You can tell her you don't want to be out of her life forever, but you're just not ready to chit chat on the phone and hang out like no big deal since you still have feelings. It's not fair to you. So if she really wants to be your friend, she needs to give you the time and space to be that for her. Tell her you don't want her to be out of your life permanently, just not right now and not the way she wants. You have to look out for yourself.
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