A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I absolutely regret trying to help a friends daughter as she has behaved so poorly! I’m part of an amateur dramatic club - we put on various theatre productions at our local theatre. My friends daughter (19) is currently studying theater make up and she wanted some work experience so she asked me if I could speak to the person in charge to see if she could come along to our next production and do make up for her portfolio. It was all agreed for her to come along to our next rehearsal. When she arrived at the rehearsal she started asking the person in charge for money towards purchasing her make up. Now there was never any mention of this beforehand. Of course it created an awkward atmosphere but the person in charge agreed and gave her a budget which she complained wasn’t enough! Any way she proved to be completely unreliable. Always arrived late and then was quite rude and arrogant towards the cast and crew. Some of the cast decided they didn’t like how she did their makeup so refused to let her do it. In the end she was asked to leave. Her mum contacted me telling me how upset her daughter was as she felt she hadn’t been treated nicely but the actual truth is, is that her daughter was the one not being nice. Obviously I was put in an awkward situation as I had witnessed what went on but I didn’t feel comfortable telling my friend. I basically glossed over it saying it was mis communication and her daughter had ran late a few times.I’m meeting my friend next week for lunch and I know she will bring it up. Shall I just be blunt and tell her the truth about how her daughter behaved or shall I just let things go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2023): It sounds like the recommendation you gave was done out of good will but very naively.I've learned to be extremely careful abut recommendations and writing references - I do it very rarely now, because I've been used and my own reputation tarnished.If you DO give a recommendation to someone who has virtually no experience in something, it's always wise to ensure that either you or their parent or someone else briefs them thoroughly about what's involved; if you don't do this, then there's a grey area that emerges where it can backfire on you. With that said, the situation is now at the stage where the mother wants feedback from you - and I would treat this very professionally by doing what's called the classical 'critical sandwich' - or some call it the *hit sandwich; it's three layers: say something positive first about what she did then say the negative stuff, then add another layer of positive input. It might be hard to emphasise what she did well but think of anything - anything at all.And also I would recommend adding a mini 'critical sandwich' to the mother as she will take anything you say about her daughter as critique of her as a mother. So, say something lovely about how the mother has raised her, then the negative bit eg. "I wonder if you briefed her on the difference between a paid role or a voluntary role? Or maybe you didn't know how to brief her on something like this, maybe that's something to make sure about in future?" and then add the final layer of nice stuff ie. 'You did a great job bringing her up to be ambitious and go for what she wants in life'. Some 19 year olds can still be incredibly naive - I was - and it's easy to blame them, but look also at your responsibility and her mother's responsibility in preparing her prior to starting this volunteer role, rather than blaming her after the event. Guidance was obviously needed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2023): Sounds like the 19 year old doesn't know the difference between paid employment and volunteering at an amateur dramatics club. If she was being employed as a makeup artist then of course the employer would pay for the makeup, but as a volunteer you would expect perhaps a bit of a donation towards the cost or to do it for free. This sounds like a misunderstanding on her part. As for her being unreliable, there are no excuses and she ought to grow up. You will need to be tactful with your friend. I suggest you start by explaining to her that you are giving honest feedback with the best of intentions as you want her daughter to have a flourishing career in the future and that as you are such good friends you want to be completely honest. Then explain very factually what happened - that she was late and didn't have a very collaborative attitude.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2023): This 19 year old is a grown adult, she could be married with kids at her age, so don't treat her like a poor little unknowing kid. She needs to be nicer to others and learn by her mistakes. Unreliable means she only went when it suited her, as her plan b, not even reliable means she has a cheek to ask in first place, and wanting more money means she was more into getting money than helping. She had a selfish agenda for offering. Someone has to tell her the truth, and you should be more careful about recommending people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2023): If this lady is a good friend I wouldn't be too blunt but I wouldn't lie either . There is a very fine line you will need to walk here if you wish this friendship to continue .19teen to me is young enough to still give a little - you can say what you said prior and add that there was some tension with the school production team and she would be better to reach out to them for feedback regarding the situation as you really don't have much interactions with them . That way you keep yourself out of a tricky situation .You've probably heard the saying " shoot the messengers" and if you like this friendship I wouldn't put myself in front unless you want the friendship to end. Good luck and don't step in for other people unless you really know the person work ethics etc . Hugs ??
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 November 2023):
 I forgot to add
I would NEVER let this friend's daughter come back and "help".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 November 2023):
"Shall I just be blunt and tell her the truth about how her daughter behaved or shall I just let things go?"
Absolutely BE BLUNT.
And then give her some pointers on what WOULD be appropriate in the future.
I volunteered at the High School for their musicals with either doing hair or help sewing, not makeup because I don't wear much, and don't know how, so that would be bad lol. We did have a senior who thought she was the "hot stuff TM" doing make up and "offered" her "services" - the kids she did... took it off and redid it themselves or had the "grown up" makeup artist re-do it. It created drama because the girl got mad and the "actors" were mad too, so she was "excused" from doing makeup after that.
The daughter is 19. She probably think she is GREAT at make up for "Insta" but stage make up is VERY different, it takes skills to do it. Something she probably doesn't have - yet. And she won't get those unless she learns to "read the room" and "take instructions".
Stage makeup you have to be able to see from the audience, not from a "selfie" or with a "filter".
If this lady (girl's mom) is a FRIEND then BE blunt. She might not like hearing it, but she probably NEEDS to hear it as she only heard her daughter's version. Which was probably a woe is me story.
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