A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Would you stay friends with someone who has the following traits?I need an outside person’s perspective:PROS:-Caring -There for you emotionally when need advice or venting-Helps in my mental health healing process-Feel less alone by sharing same view points on a number of things-At times can maturely handle criticismCONS-Often doesn’t respect my time by showing up insultingly late. -Canceling on you frequently -Inconsistent in her word, cannot take her word seriously when making plans-Resentful about driving out to your neck of the woods to see you, even though you do it for her too, even moreso-Lies. Not melicious lies, but enough lies that make me -Throws in your face the things they do for you when you also do the same for her, even moreso.-You’ve spoken to them about some of these things before but no change seen. - You feel scared to tell them about their lack of timliness and lies because they immediately get defensive and make you question your observations. Downplay and deny the offenses.I’m afraid I’ll be cutting off a friend for reasons that aren’t good enough. i don’t want to make a rash decision. If I was your daughter what would you advise? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2022): Read your pros and cons. What do you think???
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2022): In my honest opinion, the CONS outweigh the PROS. I wouldn’t remain friends with the person you described. I’m picky, but it has paid off. My circle is small, but the friends I do have I never have to question if I want to keep them around. I have peace of mind. I get that you don’t want to make a rash decision, but for now at least, I think it’s best to let her go. If she cares about having you in her life, it may just be the kick in the pants she needs to change her ways. If she knows you’ll put up with the things you don’t like about her, she won’t be as motivated to correct her behavior.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2022): Sounds like your idea of a friend is someone who is there for you to help fix you and make you feel better. To be honest if I were this "friend" I would have lost interest in you!
I expect they are a lot busier than you and sometimes turn down better things to see you or speak to you, and then wonder why they bothered. You cannot use a "friend" as an alternative to a therapist. Firstly they are not qualified or experience, they work in mental health is hardly the same thing, they might be working in the office emptying rubbish bins, and it is not a reason to want to be friends with someone. it smacks as you wanting them as a convenience to save you money on a proper therapist.
Either put up with this person's cons and make the most of the pros or become a better and more balanced person so that things are different for you, pay a therapist if this is what it takes.
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
I once spoke to a guy who told me he had been lucky enough to find a woman online who offered for him to go to see him for free sex with no commitments, promises, etc. He was over the moon. At long last he found a woman who would let him treat her like a convenience, a prostitute, but with no charge whatsoever.
He hurriedly paid for a ticket for a coach to take him to her house which was TWO HOURS away. It cost him quite a bit.
When he got there she said she needed help with the washing, ironing, tidying up and cleaning. He reluctantly helped because he knew he would get terrific sex for free after.
But nah, once all of the tidying up and housework was done she said she had a terrible migraine and sent him packing.
Weeks later he tells me excitedly he has hit gold again.
Once again it is a long journey. Off he goes. When he gets there she is much older, fatter and uglier than she had told him, he found her to be very ugly and repulsive, she was weird, dressed oddly and talked oddly. He hurriedly left.
He still has not learnt that people are not waiting for a chance to save him money on professional services and continues to spend hours online searching for another mug.
Eventually he will realise relationships do not work this way. When will you?
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