A
male
age
30-35,
*argenfell209
writes:My best friend told me last night he ended his engagement due to a concern he had.He's 27, and engaged to a 54-year-old woman. She's got no kids, no grandkids.They've been together for 3 years now, I think they met in summer 2019.He said he met her via a friend of a friend, and although he normally wouldn't have dated a 51-year-old when he was 24, he went for her due to her personality as well as her looks and some common interests.Last night he told me how he had a nightmare a few years ago about him being 60 and her being 87, or him 47 and her 74, and having to look after an elderly wife and caring for an old woman and the dream really frightened him. He also had nightmares about her having dementia.He also told me how the relationship got worse with her just moaning about things every day and bills, even though she was the one spending most. They don't have a shared bank account, thankfully.He told me how he said to her it was over a few days ago, he gave her a few days to move out and get her things packed, but she won't move out.She can't or won't accept he's broken up with her and ended the engagement, still tells people on social media how they're the golden couple.Also, he's told me how he's now suspecting she may have psychologically manipulated him to go out with her and he didn't realize it at the time.I feel sorry for him, and he has said he wants help from me but doesn't know what help to get.He's also told me there's a woman he's attracted to, who's 28, in his area, very sporty and girly and he wants to date her, he's met her via a dating site online.I don't know how to help him, but what should I do.He's my best friend and I want to help him, what would you advise?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 May 2022):
 "Is he becoming more wise to see this as him being possibly manipulated?"
Probably not.
However, that is on him.
Nightmares or not, unless he actually DO something (legally) to get her to move out, she isn't going to.
The Landlord (aka his parents) needs to file an eviction notice. etc.
Again, tell him to Citizen's Advice to find out what he needs to do legally to "kick" her out. They broke up, he doesn't want to live with her, so he NEEDS to sort this out. He is a whole grown person. Complaining to you isn't going to fix the situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2022): I feel sorry for her, he has outgrown her because of her age and after three years is basically treating her appallingly. That aside it's in her best interest and to maintain respect for herself to move out. If I was in your shoes I would be encouraging him to sit her down, talk to her properly and say the relationship is over but he will help her all ge can to move out in as caring way as possible. She's done nothing wrong here so doesn't deserve shit treatment, she obviously invested and trusted him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2022): All he needs to do is have his parents file for eviction. As far as the woman is concerned, she's obviously acting-up to save face. She's humiliated by the breakup. Her age has nothing to do with it, she's a human being; and everybody hates rejection. So she thinks she can protest a breakup by staying put. It will be all the more humiliating when she gets an eviction notice; and can be hauled off the property by the police.
Oh, give us a break about your friend being manipulated. It was all consensual, and he knew what he was doing; and now he has his sights set on someone younger and prettier. The older-woman just isn't making it easy to dump her for some other female.
He can date whenever he's good and ready, but it might be wise to wait at least until she is evicted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): Typo correction:
"He now realizes he's dating [an] aging woman; and now his porn reality-show has lost its appeal."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): Come on my friend, isn't this the impetus behind all this with your friend?
"He's also told me there's a woman he's attracted to, who's 28, in his area, very sporty and girly and he wants to date her, he's met her via a dating site online."
The truth is, the novelty and pornographic-appeal of dating a sexy old-woman has worn-off. This is the usual outcome of these types of relationships; no matter how much people try to convince everyone they're so in-love. The lust has fizzled-out!
Why wait for her to move out? Why won't he move?!! As for social media, he can report policy violations. He can block her from all his social media accounts; or he can close them all, and reopen new ones. For now, just ghost her, and stop reading her online nonsense. By now, all his friends (you included) know their relationship is over. It's oddly convenient that he has met someone younger he's attracted to; and suddenly after three years, she's a monster who gives him nightmares...because she's getting old. What else did he think would happen?
I hope this is a lesson to many young male-readers who play with the lonely hearts of much older women. Often this is sparked by a curiosity created through porn. In some cases it's gerontophilia, the opposite end of the spectrum from pedophilia. A sexual-attraction to elderly people. Not all "February-December" relationships are real, or have a good outcome. I didn't say "May-December" on purpose!
People grow older, they don't grow younger. Bear that in-mind when you make someone believe you are truly in-love with them in spite of a very large age-gap. Sooner or later, what happened to your friend happens in relationships with huge age-gaps. Now he's creating all sorts of excuses to get out of it, to date a woman more his own age. Sadly to say, this is more likely to happen when the woman is older than the man; than when the man is older than the woman.
He's trying not to look like a jerk. If you know this woman, you can judge for yourself if what he is saying about her is true; or you can let your bias reject the facts. In any case, HE should just move; or evict her if he is the homeowner. If what he's saying about his ex is true; he shouldn't drag that young-lady into this hot mess, until he gets his life under control.
It is what it is, no matter how many creative excuses he comes-up with to make it her fault. He now realizes he's dating a aging woman; and now his porn reality-show has lost its appeal. Now he wants a young pretty girl. Forgive the older-woman for defending her dignity; while she bears the humiliation of her poor judgement.
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A
male
reader, Hargenfell209 +, writes (11 May 2022):
Hargenfell209 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually his mum and dad own the house, it was a second home they rented out during the 2010s pre-COVID but they let them have it in November 2020, just as lockdown measures eased, and it allowed for house moves anyway.
My friend's still having nightmares about an elderly wife every now and then, and his now ex-fiancee is still refusing to move out.
Is he becoming more wise to see this as him being possibly manipulated?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 May 2022):
Since you are in the UK, I'd suggest he contact Citizen's Advice for the correct legal procedure. Or find a solicitor.
I'm not totally sure about how they handle it in the UK.
If they rent and BOTH names are on the rental agreement, he might need to have her name removed and then go through the eviction process. If only HIS name is on the rental, he probably "only" needs to file eviction papers and serve her.
If he OWNS the house he probably needs to "only" go through the eviction process.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2022): He is old enough to figure this all out for himself.
If you tell him what to do you will probably get it wrong and then get blamed when it goes wrong.
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