A
male
age
41-50,
*arpdnexus
writes:O.K. here's the situation..... I've been married to my wife for 7 years and we've been together for 10. I've always been able to trust her, that's one of the qualities that I always loved about her. Myself, I would like to think I am a good man. I've never laid a hand on her, never cheated, I'm a good provider and father. One of the qualities I lacked was being affectionate and romantic. Something my wife has always wanted. Now, we recently had a talk. She told me she is not in love with me anymore and would like to separate for a while. I am willing to do anything to save my marriage, and if separating can help I'll do it. My problem is this....I think there's something else to it. Maybe an emotional affair, maybe something more. Let me explain... we work together but in different departments so we really don't see each other at work a lot. It's an Italian owned company and off and on they will send a couple over from Italy to work in her department. Well she has become good friends with a couple of them and I didn't have a problem with that because I trust her. She's gone out with people from work and they would go along. One time others were supposed to meet her but it only ended up being one of guys that showed up. She told me that, and she told me that they had some drinks and just talked for a long time about his ex-wife and such. He could some English but not fluant. I believed her because I trust her. He's back in Italy now but they keep in touch through Myspace. Well....I found a couple e-mails that kind of made my stomach turn but could also be harmless. That what I need help with, especially from females if possible, you might know a little more about a woman's way with words. Here are the emails in there exact words (bear in mind he uses a translator to type, so some of what he types might not make too much sense):e-mail 1:Her: "One more thing I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you this before you left and it has been bothering me, ok. One time you had told me that everytimethat you wanted a girl the girl did not want you and everytime that a girl wanted you, you did not want them. (name)for a brief moment I gave you my heart, not your doing, ok. But it's ok now because I tucked it away where it belongs. Stupid me I should not have worn my heart on my sleeve. Don't worry because you did not promise me anything I know that. Like I said it's all ok now."Response from him: I am sorry. I do not know what happened that night, maybe wrong and I have not had to do what I did. I hope that I and you can remain friends without any rancor.E-mail 2-Her: Hey there (name)how have you been? I hope all is well. I got myself in some bad s* and %. I'm so stupid so dumb. I just really want to quit (place of work) I've done too many dumb things. Write me back. I kind of need someone to talk to hoping without being judged.His response was basically that he didn't understand what she was saying.So....what's your guys' assessment? Does this sound like she's guilty of something or am I reading too much into it. Nonetheless I think it's inappropriate for a married woman to tell another man that she gave her heart to him, even if it's a figure of speach.Sorry for the long drawn out question.
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affair, at work, ex-wife, his ex, married woman, myspace Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): i have been with my BF for 6 years, and I love him to pieces, sometimes we fight sometimes he doesn’t make me feel good, and I have these guy friend at work who always seem to notice when my hair is different, or when I am wearing a new top, he wont flirt as he knows I am involved, but every now and again he will pop me a mail saying you look hot today, he is not looking for anything but I like hearing these things coz my own boyfriend wont give them to me, I love him but for how long will deprive myself from feeling wanted and sexy just coz my BF lacks the ability to express his feelings, it sounds like your wife loves you, otherwise she would never have stayed in an unromantic unaffectionate relationship for this long, what you need to do now is step up and be the man she’s been waiting for, for 10 years, show her that she is not just your wife and the mother of your children, show her that she is beautiful and that you appreciate her, coz it sure sounds like you do. As a husband its part of your duty to make your wife feel beautiful, and loved. Don’t mess a good thing up, take her away to a romantic spot light some candles, slow dance and make passionate love to her for hours, sometimes that’s what we need the most, and we don’t always feel like we need to ask our partner to treat us differently coz that should be something you want to do, and when you don’t we start questioning how you really feel about us, I wish my man could just sweep me of my feet coz he is truly the only man I want to hear those loving words from, but I know things can change and my heart will turn cold if he keeps leaving me outside
A
female
reader, liz.  +, writes (29 December 2008):
You can never read anyone's mind or anyones words and get the real answer; she may have done something that would be cheating, or she may have simply opened up emotionally to the guy; either way, hes in Italy and you still have marital problems. I think shes craving intimacy with someone, and if this is a weak area for you you need to go out and work on it! Get some realtionship books- coming on here is good, but you're asking the wrong question; you need to fill the holes in the relationship, not make new ones.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): as a female i think this is inappropriate. i'm sure if she found something like this that you had done she would be extremely hurt and furious. I would confront her about, but it seems like if you do she may just continue with the separation, which is not what you want. but that email doesn't sound appropriate, especially considering you are married. just my two sense for what it's worth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Don't seperate. She is covering her back incase it don't work out with the new guy. Tell her she can either stay or go. You need to at least keep your self respect.
Take control of the situation instead of being at the mercy of her feelings blowing in the wind.
Act or be acted upon.
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A
male
reader, Arianz  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 hello...
1st of all NOTHING IS POSSIBLE IN ONE HAND. So u both need to response...
So u have to think more about it...
If u try it by presure then maybe it can react...BAD.
Better u talk to her and tell her about ur feelings...
I think it will work on her...
let us know....
best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): I just read your story over again (english is not my first language) and see you are the father (and she is the mother).Because you have childeren, you have an extra responsibility together and do not take the risk to only trying to solve it yourself. You need professional help and you should understand that your wife should go there 1 time alone, because the professional must know the truth from her. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): warpdnexus,To my opinion is separating for a while only helpful if you still love each other so much but you are (verbal) fighting al the time.In your case, when you tell the love has gone from her side, it will not solve the problem that you have together. You should investigate with professional help if you can safe your relation together.You said that you did not give her, what she is asking for all the years: affection and romance. If you want really to safe your relation, you have to find and explore the affectionate and romantic guy in yourself. You will have to go the extra mile, because she might be emotionally already with somebody else maybe.Start NOW, not 1 hour later. Prepare a breakfast, bring her on the bed. Buy aromated (strawberry and ..) candles and burn al day in the house. Buy some nice flowers, do this every week (but on different days) Start to change your lifestyle, touch here every day several times the physical intence, short neck massage, touch her bud, her arms, her breast and look in her eyes so she can feel that you mean it. When you walk in the house and you pass her, just a little touch every time.Sit near each other in stead of opposite at the dinner table (and also in a restaurant). Lay on the sofa, that you can feel each other in stead of sitting in a feautuille separated.Walk hand in hand, kiss her much more and also in public.Buy massage oil, give each other shorter or longer massage every day before going to sleep. Work on your sex life, because it will also not be so exiting.If you make these you habitude and use your imagination to explore affection, a big chance your wife will stay and fall in love with you again. Do you have childeren, because in that case you have an enormous extra responsibility together.A lot is in your hands.Good luck to you
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