A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid, my husband and I have been married for 8 and a half years, when we got married he was 20 and I 24, it was partly so that he could get his green card but we were madly in love and infatuated with each other at the time, too, and I certainly married him because I wanted to spend my life with him, although we have lived outside the USA since 2003. We left the usa right before his appointment and though he can re-enter leagally and there is no problem, he never got got his green card. I love him and it is a shame because I never imagined this could happen, this far into our relationship, but these last 2 years have been difficult; I know that he is bored with me and says things when we argue that leave me feeling like he has put a knife in my heart. he has always had a tendancy to wake up in a horrible mood, usually i am able to not say the wrong thing that sets him off, but that i know he purposely says things to get me to react in a way so that he is able to lash out at me. that morning i truely don´t remember how we got there but he screamed so that all of our neighbors could hear that i forced him to be with him in the first place! sadly i do believe that he is thinking about all of a sudden about the life he is missing out on while he has been ¨forced¨to be with me, and he has made me feel completely inadequite, ugly, unnattractive and depressed that in these years he has been my whole world while i have tried to save money so that i have not been ¨building any bridges¨for my own self. 2 years ago i went to visit my mother for 1 month to the usa and one day on the telephone not in the middle of any argument he told me a someone had told him they could not believe he had gotten married so young and he told me that he felt obligated with my family and disliked feeling forced to be with me. later he said he was drunk when he said that and he did not mean it. when he has gotten the chance he has told me how fat i am now. truely my self esteem is in the toilet and i feel like i have ruined my life. my mother has tried to break us up many times because as she is convinced that it is impossible for a man who has seen his own father cheat on his mother and be verbally and physically abusive with her to not do the same thing, that it is in his genes. i had always thought she was trying to get me to return home the usa but sadly now i wish i had listened to her years ago because the more i get to know my husband i realize he has the potential to be very cruel, and verbally and physically abusive. i am now almost 33 and have nothing but regret for having been so naive and feel pathetic. and i have now where to turn. i feel like my husband knows i am dependant on him in every way he throws that in my face all the time that he works and he says i do absolutely nothing that he has every right to be this way with me. funny thing is, he goes out his way to be extremely pleasant with his friends and everyone else in the world but with me all he does lately is find an excuse to be in a bad mood and to find new flaws of mine that annoy him and he also told me yesterday that no one in the world could possibly stand me. because i have nowhere or no one to turn to, i have wanted to try and work on our marraige and to find a hobby for the both of us to do, and on the one hand i wish our marrage could work out but i truely if it did not i wish i could just die, because how could i have been so unlucky and why did this have to happen 8 and half years into our marrage and instead 2 or 3 years? my husband by the way had lived a lot more than me before he married me, his mom died when he was 8 and i always thought suffering made you a more understanding person. i was tought that.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Sorry, but it sounds like he is trying to distance himself from your relationship. If he treats you badly enough you will be the one to walk and then he won't have to feel guilty for being the one to leave first. He wants out.
If it's been going on like this for 2 years, I suggest that you get ready to make the move. Start getting back in dating condition, start an exercise program, tone up and get ready to hit the dating scene again.
Just don't get caught off guard if he finally reaches the breaking point, before you are prepared.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, needadvise +, writes (24 August 2009):
Hey I understand what u are saying I'am in the same boat, I leave away from my family and well don't have anybody for support. Look I don't know if this advice is good but it has been working for me. He used to ask me to quit work so that I could go to school, even though we were having problems I did, I just saw it like at least if it was going to end I would at least have a career at the end. And now that he sees that I have other interest he seems nice, and even asks how classes are going, when before listening to me was the last thing he wanted. Don't get me wrong I still do all the things a wife is supposed to do, but now if he is in a bad mood I grab my books and walk away, before you know it he is telling me sorry, and the argument didn't get to far. When most men know or think that they have the upper hand they treat u like you are just a problem to them, but when they see that you have other interest and that he is not your only concern they question it. Get a hobby start doing things for you not him this will either make your relationship better or you might just find that you enjoy doing things for yourself, either way you win. And remember you have to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy.
Good luck!!! YOU ARE ONLY AS STRONG AS YOU FEEL!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Try a temporary split and decide what you want. You cannot continue in a relation were clearly no matter what you do will not be good enough for him. During this time apart he might realise that he misses you and loves you and took everything for granted. If he does not - you rather loose him now than waste any more time on someone that does not appreciate you. GOODLUCK
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