A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf broke up with me over a week ago. It was all very calm and ultimately all miscommunication which caused the break up. I accepted the break up, knowing that it was pointless trying to do anything else then, plus I was upset and knew I didnt want to say anything until I had some time to myself. I decided that I would not make any contact for at least 2 weeks, however my bf had asked me to meet him a few days later to discuss things and I suppose closure. I wasn't ready for that, and not in an angry sense, I didnt see the point at this stage, as he had made the decision. I have had plenty of time to think since, and realised the miscommunication and his reasons for feeling disconnected from me, were because I was clamming up. I misunderstood a barrier he had told me about in relation to a previous relationship. I also realised I misunderstood what he said when he thought things were moving too quickly, well actually didnt understand, he was talking about how his feelings were moving. Mine were too, but I had to put a halt on them then, because I didnt want to crowd him as such. I felt pushed away and unsure as how to deal with this.There was another miscommunication issue over soemting which actually caused a ghost from my past to reappear into the relationship, so I again clammed up further. Basically I was finding it difficult to even talk about normal things, because I was getting so upset inside.All in all, I became distant from him and pushed him away, putting up my own barrier. I didnt realise it at the time. Based on this he was not able to connect with me. I am glad I had this time apart from him, because now I can see it.However, he has this barrier, because of an ex and her cheating and the break up. Now I can see that he doesnt want to be hurt again, and thats all I ever took it to be. Now I wonder is there more, as in, could he be afriad to love again because he sees it leading to disappointment? Recognising now that this could be the case, it would fit with what he said about things moving too fast. I had thought just the week before that he had fallen for me, it was simply in his eyes. I dont know how to approach this with him.I also now believe he is insecure, and where this stems from I am not sure. I would think based on previous realtionships. Basically asking did I not want someone better than him etc etc.. I thought these were jokes at the time, because I only liked/cared for the man in front of me, I thought he was so so confident. He emailed me during the day we broke up and said that he had thought I deserved someone better than him, and he thought he couldnt make me as happy as I deserved to be. I took these as gentle ways to say goodbye i.e. lines. However, after showing a friend, she has said that its complete insecurity, and that he was loooking for reassurance from me, rather than really wanting to break up.She pointed out that I could have inadvertantly instigated the break up!! This shocked me. Basically we knew we were having issues and had sat down and spoken about them before the break up and were looking to work on them. Still not realising/knowing all the above, I thought my bf needed space. So I told him I was willing to give him that, by walking away if it made him happier. It wasnt that I wanted to break up with him, I wanted to give him space, I still cared about him, and I would wait for him. I think I said it clumsily, even though (again) we were talking calmly. We never had one argument while together. So he could have reflected later and thought, "well if she can walk away that easily from me now, there is no point developing feeligns, because she will walk away again and hurt me" etc etcSo my friend concluded I should contact him immediately (a week after the break at this stage), because he may have been dealing with the breakup with a view I didnt care about him and was easily accpeting it. I rang my mum, told her, and she said to ring then.I made the contact and he does still want to see me, it is okay with me etc.. We shared a couple of emails each on meeting up, no discussion of the breakup. There was very little said, but someone said he sounded warm, and friends have said that he wouldnt be meeting for "closure", thats not what a guy does after they break up with you. He's a nice guy, he may just want to do this for me. It will be two weeks of not seeing each other when we do see each othe again, is that too soon??I need to be realistic. I have been dreadfully upset, and have never felt compelled to want someone back in my life. Every other relationship, I have walked away because I knew it was not right. I think the way our contact has been handled has been good. The breakup was over silly things, based on miscommunication and both of us have to work on "our" things, so I am comfortable with this. But why do guys normally want to meet after break up - dont say "booty call", that is definately not it? If he does want to talk about things, which is why I imagine we are meeting, to have "closure", how do I handle the insecurity and barrier things without making him feel bad? I was told to enjoy and have fun at the lunch with him, but seeing as I feel there is so much to say, how could we avoid not talking about the breakup? This will be the first time we can discuss it properly and probably the last time we see each other.I am so confused as to what is going on. Any help with why he wants to meet or how to handle things, would be so helpful.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Based on your post, I think you have never told your bf that you value him, which probably made him believe that you don't see him as fit for you.
Anyway, if you don't see a future with him, there's not much to plan. Just meet him and ask him to take care.
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