A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys,I have a quick question. So I got chatting to a girl on Friday night that I've seen around town a few times, I was pretty drunk but everything seemed to go well, ended up kissing a few times and ended up with her number.Been texting her all weekened really and I said I'd take her out for a date, go and get something to eat and a few drinks, that's scheduled for this coming Friday. My problem is, I've never been on a date before and to be quite honest I'm kinda crapping my pants a little lolCan anyone share any tips or advice for a first date?
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (6 September 2014):
 OP how did it go? Tonight was the big night! I hope you at least got a peck on your cheek and not a knee in your bollocks.
I hope romance, love, commitment and a bloody good promise filled the air afterwards. Alright for some! I spent my Friday night working and moaning.
Mark
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (1 September 2014):
Thank you Abella, and Anon. Glad you like my humour. Im actually surprised it was such a hit over in the states. US and UK humour is A: spelt differently and B: whenever I show my US/Can friends great british comedy they don't get it as its a different style.
Mark the Marvellous
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reader, Abella  +, writes (1 September 2014):
 I think Mark should be renamed as Mark the Marvellous. These are really fantastic tips. I am saving this one for the future to advise others to read these tips from Mark (The Marvellous Mark that is)
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (1 September 2014):
You were in stitches? Is that on the outskirts of Bedford?
Glad you found my sensible advice of good use. Don't forget to tell us all the juicy details of how it went. Of course if it goes so well that you end up being intimate then please don't tell us any of that. However if you could email me the pictures I would be vary grateful.
Don't forget to ensure you use the correct cutlery when on your date. Silverware is like foreplay - work from the outside in. You know what they are like for political correctness in Burger King.
Remember to choose your drinks to reflect your debonair, witty, elegant persona. A pint of Tizer and a bag of pork scratchings is a little working class. I would go instead for a spring water in an over priced poncy bottle with a side order of little fizzy bubbles. Sipping water shows maturity, interlect, and the fact you are ready to obey the traffic laws when driving her home (if the bar man is unfamiliar with your order he should mix two parts hydrogen with one part Oxygen and shake not stir). Failing that a dry martini, preferably not so dry that the glass is not actually wet. And don't get too excited - you don't want to dislodge the olive from your Martini and have to get down on your hands and knees searching for it. You may even by your date a drink but watch the pennies. Listen to what she wants carefully. So many people drink strange named drinks these days its hard to know if they want a J2O, N2O, A to Z, WKD, CJD, OCD or WMD. As for the flavours...! Apple and Pineapple, orange and peach, Tango and Cash, Crystal Meths and Morphine, Sprout and bumblebee....with a bit of luck she will as for a bucks fizz and be done with it.
Remember to take her somewhere where you wont get your head kicked in. She wont be too impressed by seeing you are a regular down the grotty working mens club where non of the working men have had a job for decades and the only drinks on offer are Carling, Cold Carling and a Carling glad in your face. Plenty of time to go there with the lads after the date.
Act cool. So cool she has to button her blouse to stave off a chill. There's plenty of time to warm her up later in every sense of the word. No matter what happens keep your ice cool manner intact. Be like Mr Freeze on a cold winters day, with the Air Con on and sucking an ice lolly.
Be prepared. Take a first aid kit, torch, can of spare petrol, a foot pump, overnight bag, spare batteries of all the usual sizes (4x AAs usually does it) and of course spare cash for a taxi to her place.
If you do get lucky be careful you don't let your co-ordination slip. I had a date once where it became clear i might get lucky! I dashed to the gents with my last two pound coins to use the rubber johnny machine and ended up pulling the wrong handle and came out with a pack of mints. My breath smelt great but i ended up using the pull it out before ive put it in method.
By now you should be an expert, a supreme dater of the highest order. I am happy to have assisted and feel great to have helped my fellow man. I do hope you put a first class stamp on the cheque?
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014): Mark you are hysterical, LOVE it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the tips guys.
Mark you had me in absolute stitches by the way, probably the best advice I've read on here.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (31 August 2014):
Hello there,
Mark here. Ah the old first date question. Right up my street. I have had loads of first dates so I am fully qualified to answer your question. One day im hoping to get as far as a second date too. I'll keep you posted.
I recently answered a question very similar to this one and Wow the responses I got. "Mark, you are a genious" they cried! "Give us more!" they begged. "let us know how to tap into your unrivalled success with women" they added. So without further ado here is what I would do on a first date based on my own experience:
1) Change those pants you have been crapping as you want to give off an aroma of a sophisticated young gent. I suggest a splash of a decent cologne and not some silly youthful scent like tommy hillfinger or the usual footie dressing room smell of Adidas sport. Something manly, mature and sexy oh and up to date...how about Brut?
2) Enjoy yourself. As Cerberus said, nothing wrong with admiring a splendid view as long as she doesn't catch you! You want to be seen as taking an interest BUT not staring at her tits. Keep your eyes on the road young man and she will respect you for not being a letch.
3) Open doors if its convenient but please don't fawn or make a big show out of helping her to her seat or blowing her nose for her. That comes across as false or trying too hard. There's a big difference between being a gent and being false.
4) Smile. Your bestest, most pleasant smile. BUT don't grin like a simpleton and make yourself look like your trying to sell a second hand Ford Focus of dubious history. Au contraire. Just a nice, friendly smile and an easy persona. be relaxed, be yourself. Unless your not here type in which case be someone different.
5) Take her somewhere nice but please don't book an expensive restaurant. Personally I hate posh, expensive eating establishments - especially when you have to queue for your burger and fries. Bah! Although I strictly stick to my very generous five quid limit on a hot date I still expect to be served by someone higher up the food chain than a spotty kid who speaks in grunts and street talk init. You were drunk when you met your date and gave her a snog so you may find in the sober light of day she aint your type. Its a fact of life that sans the beer goggles we don't always feel the same attraction. Fine if your munching on a double whopper in Macy D's and can shoot off with an excuse but not if you have to sit through silver service, dinner jacket wearing violin players and over priced poncy grub in a restaurant where the menu is in a language you cant read.
6) Listen. Are you listening young man? LISTEN to what she says and let that guide you. Don't try to impress by telling her about your achievements, instead let her tell you about herself. Ask her questions about her life, her family and her ambitions. That's not to say you shouldn't have a few aces up your pinstriped sleeve should she ask you for a tasty titbit about your own life. Have a few fun and exciting tales at the ready. I often like to recall on a first date the hilarious time I was sick in my pants in a bus stop while wearing my best suit trousers round my ankles. Or the occasion when I farted in a job interview after eating fried onions, melted cheese and sprouts and everyone had to evacuate the room. But you use your own and don't steel mine.
7) Groom yourself. I don't mean talk to yourself in an online chat room pretending to be 14, I mean give your boat race a good scrub, wash behind your ears and pluck those hairs from your nostrils. You want to look as good as possible. I never go on a first date without plucking my eyebrows and hiding my shaving cuts with a few bits of newspaper. Cary Grant eat your heart out!!! Im confident that with a bit o' Brylcream and splash of brut she will be eating out of your hand.
8) Don't forget to take an umbrella! Weather here in the Uk is crap and it always rains. Still, gives the opportunity to, ahem, get in close under the brolly and maybe that will lead to a cuddle, a gentle kiss or even a damn good pounding!
9) Offer to pay. Of course if she offers to pays its even better! The recession takes its toll on old fashioned values and letting her pay shows you are not scared of an independent woman. Of course if he really insist you pay then do so graciously, while keeping an eye on her order. A medium fries is fine, a large portion is taking the piss quite frankly. You could go Dutch but going all the way to Holland is a bit silly on a first date, maybe the second one would be better for that.
10) Think before hand of plenty of interesting things to say and ask her. Where did she go to college, how did she get into her current career, does she like kittens, whats her favourite Dr Who character and how often does she shave her legs - just simple questions that would ender any man to a fine young woman.
11) Arrive in plenty of time. You never know, you might have time to chat up the bar maid before your date arrives. Make sure you know where the venue is before actually going as its easy to say "ill meet you in the Dome II* on the Bristol Road" and not actually be able to find it.
*If you lived in Birmingham, UK in the early to mid 90s you will know the club I mean!
12) Dress up a bit. Think Saville Row not jimmy Saville. You don't have to turn up looking like Prince Phillip but you don't want your date to think you have just bled the breaks on your motor either. Just a simple cravat and cumberbund ensemble should be fine for most dates. Don't forget the executive Filofax and diamond cufflinks. Every little helps.
13) If things get racey after your first date please PLEASE practise safe sex. Remember your sex education from school? I remember mine - Natalie from form F, behind the bike shed. Ah whatever happened to her? If it wasn't for that damn injunction I may have found out. Anyway safe sex: use protection. A pump action rifle should do nicely. Women love a big tool. If you use the barrier method then ensure it is correctly fitted. Don't rely on what old Mr Robinson the biology teacher told you either....as much as I appreciate being taught at school how to fit a condom properly, I do wish it was made just a little clearer that in real life you don't put them on a cucumber. Doh! Took me several embarrassing dates to find that out. I was the only guy in Birmingham to walk into a fruit and veg store and ask for something for the weekend. Even now I cant buy a cucumber unless it comes in a brown paper bag.
14) Be relaxed. Obviously you don't want to risk rupturing your arterial plaque during a first date. Have a few pints before hand and get hold of some statins. That will keep you nice and calm. Being relaxed and steady is just the ticket for making the right impression.
15) Please turn your phone off. When all those fans are ringing you up every five minutes it does tend to break the flow of the conversation, especially when you are in the middle of an arm wrestle.
16) Polish your shoes. Women notice these things. If you cant be bothered to maintain a pair of shoes you have paid good money for, what are the chances of you being bothered to maintain a good relationship? Pomme de terre as the French would say.
17) Don't be afraid to ask for a second date. I always take a secretary with me to ensure I don't get my dates mixed up.
18) Enjoy. Its for fun for goodness sake. Don't be afraid to flirt and go a bit further if her body language suggests its okay. No pain no gain. He who dares! Whether its in the boardroom on the bedroom we have to learn to take a few knocks. Ive taken a few bad first dates on the chin...and the groin too. Not my fault my hand slipped across the table and steadied itself on her breast. Dear oh dear.
19) Tell us how it went. If truth be told all of the above is just theory as I don't go on dates. Not since being banned from the nursing homes. I'll let you try out the techniques and tell me if they work or not!
20) Being serious for a moment, don't drink too much. You were drunk when you first met. Women are unlikely to stick around if a man is drunk often in the early stages. Being drunk can also lead to regret and problems. Theres no joke with this one. Stay sober and be mature with the drinking.
I do hope it goes well. Look at it this way - whatever happens its experience, good or bad.
Best o' luck
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014): Groom a bit, be clean as a whistle, smell expensive (not Lynx wear some of your fathers if you have nothing a bit expensive), don't drink too much.
The rest is mostly down to the type of woman she is. But most women have to be bought so pay for the meal and don't take the first refusal if she offers to pay her half, she'll make it clear if she means it, otherwise it's just a test of how cheap you are, if she still insists tell her you'll pay if she gets the first round of drinks.
Also they think little meaningless shit like holding open doors, pulling out her chair makes you a nice guy, it's kind of awesome how well that works. So do all "gentleman" shit, they're suckers for guys who do those gestures, you could be a serial cheater and still the most important thing to them is that you held the door open.
OP know your locations well, go somewhere nice but not too formal something small and cosy with nice food is usually best but it depends what impression you want to give.
The rest then is about being yourself and being polite, respectful and complimenting her.
There's nothing to be nervous about, OP, women are easy. Do all the mindless gentleman crap and they'll think you're a nice guy without you even having to say a word. Pay for the meal and they think you're a guy who will "take care of them" and "knows how to treat a woman", compliment them on their looks and they'll feel their effort was appreciated, compliment them on their mind (a story they told or a joke) and they'll think you appreciate them for more than just their body. See? Easy.
Plenty of eye contact, avoid staring at the body parts she's decided to "enhance" or draw your attention to that evening but don't ignore them completely either.
Personally I use the opening door thing to check out their ass (be wary of glass doors) and pulling out the chair I do to look down their top. I still do it when I got to dinner with my wife and nearly 9 years together she still finds that cute, but don't get caught doing that any time before you're officially a couple.
When she goes to loo check out her ass, and when she comes back look at her eyes and smile.
Those are my "tips" based on how I do things. Personally I have no time for women who expect me to buy them, I don't like the gentleman crap (I don't want an entitled woman that can't do things for herself) but they're the best times to check out tits and ass so it's grand.
The reality is though, OP, I'm married to a woman just cynical as me about dating customs and a woman as viciously sarcastic too.
The only real advice, and the only things you need to know are to be clean, happy and confident. Go with the intention of having fun, nothing else and you'll be fine. But, yeah, you have to pay unless she's a rampant feminist, in which case no matter what you do you can't win.
So just be you and don't overthink things.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 August 2014):
 Rule 1. make no comments about her physical appearance. "They" don't want you to be 'judgemental' and Rule 2. Pay for everything, open doors etc. Rule 3. Don't talk about you,what you think...what you like,etc. just let her her talk about her 'they' love to do that so no problem there, just nod approval at everything she says..don't disagree with anything as it'll end up in an argument and you'll lose. If you are a good listener and sympathetic about any and all problems she shares, you might get to go out with her again.
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