A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Agony Aunts/Uncles and readers, I recently found this site and found it to be so insightful. I have a problem that I have been bouncing around in my mind for the longest time and really would like a different perspective on this. If anyone does respond to my question please note I will be raising the following issues:Age gap relationshipsSwinging/bisexualityFinancial problemsIt would be nice to hear from anyone who has an understanding of the above.Anyway will try to keep this short! I met my boyfriend online over 4 years ago. It was all pretty swift but it was a good 5 months before we actually felt content in saying that we were together officially. He is 13 years older then me and we have lived together for nearly 18 months. His family are nice and have welcomed/accepted me as one of their own and vice versa with my family. However something about me does not feel fully settled and I don't know if it is just me or us as a couple that is not right. Problem 1: At the moment there is an imbalance, he earns less then me but has a much more stable career although every year there is redundancy talk or rumors of outsourcing. He is also in a lot(!) more debt then I am but is working towards paying it all off. Whilst this happens, life is on hold. We live in a council flat that h has occupied for well over a decade but has never cared for so it is in a real state. We have no other alternatives right now and it's getting me down. He also doesn't want to modify it much (it has taken 2 years to get him to agree to decorate and that hasn't progressed either) and he won't make alternative provisions for himself regarding jobs or achieving other qualifications should he lose his job. This particularly annoys me as we have talked about marriage and etc and there is no money for it. I've compromised massively (no friends/family/registry office/holiday - party upon return type thing) although I didn't want a huge wedding anyway but even then we cannot afford it. We could if I paid for it but that would stilltake me 2 years or so as I also have commitments but then he would feel rubbish about that. I just feel I can see the years ticking by like this with no progression or motivation for anything.I often feel bad as I am not in his situation although know how debt consumes you (have been there briefly) but feel that I can't do much incase it leads to resentment or us growing apart. I used to go away a lot with friends but then we would always fall out when I returned and generally I felt that he was jealous that I was able to do things that he couldn't afford to. Please don't get me wrong, I have taken him on holiday, buy him nice presents/clothes as treats and etc but that makes him feel 'embarressed and crappy'. I can't win and don't know what to do. I feel like time is running away and I am a bit despondent and haven't any push left to pursue what I want because someone is going to feel hurt/embarressed/left out or etc. At this moment in time he is not speaking to me as he doesn't feel I understand how he feels about now being able to afford stuff. I do which is why I have suggested cheaper/free things we can enjoy which he never want's to do!Problem 2: Were a very sexually open minded couple and both have experimented in swinging/bisexual fun before we met (me moreso then him and all safely of course). In some ways I thought that when I met someone who I wanted to share my life with I would settle down and just enjoy the relationship and sexual bond we had. However in this relationship the opposite has been encouraged, we seem to veer towards reliving past experiences. It was fine at first but because of my (religious) upbringing I can often feel either really liberated and hedonistic or really guilty/uncomfortable. A feeling I can't always get a grip on yet I feel my boyfriend overlooks this complex part of me or makes me feel as though I am limiting him too. To be honest, I feel it's one of the few things he gets really excited about.Thing is, I don't feel as satisfied as I did when we first get together and now it's harder for me to relax and enjoy our sex life. I feel like I am just there.......Problem 3: My boyfriend although loving and caring, is also very old fashioned, stubborn and dominant. Infact we are both stubborn and dominant (I would not have lasted in this relationship if I didn't have a backbone!) sometimes it is tiring though as we find it hard to make the big decisions in life so things just chug along.I'm 27 and I just don't know what I want. He is a good man, with a good heart and loves me very much but I just feel like I am overwhelmed with not knowing what I want and where I want to go in life. It's not just the financial/sexual it is a mixture of everything.I just feel lost. Can anyone offer any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Anon,
I know it must read like that and to be honest that is how I feel sometimes. As well as lonely. I do live in my head a little too. I had a difficult upbringing (like most people) and just thought I would never find someone who would love me for me or remotely understand me. So I was so happy when it seemed to happen - especially with the most unlikely person! Now I wondered if I should have paid more attention to the differences in us.
The thought of another relationship further down the line petrifies me, my confidence is so low right now and trusting my own judgement is hard....
Anyway first step is to get back into the working world and then I can finally move on.
Thank you for your reply!
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): Please free yourself from this misery. Do you realize that is how you sound? Why are you punishing yourself? I don't think you've been completely honest with your boyfriend for fear of his retribution. This is a sign of a relationship gone wrong. Sorry I'm so blunt...and at least you're not married. (In my opinion, swinging couples relationships aren't very stable)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
I just wanted to write and thank you all for your comments, thoughts and suggestions on my situation. It definitely gave me food for thought.
Just an update too: I am working towards concluding the relationship although have had a set back in my plans as I have fallen victim to the credit crunch so currently out of work! This has led me to see things differently as well, now that I am struggling my partner is going out, spending money that I never believed he had as well. He just purchased an expensive gadget that he has been hankering over for around a year, however late last year we had discussed marriage and he had said he couldn't afford to save ANY money towards paying the registration fees! I'm not sure if I am reading bad intentions into things but now that I am not earning, he is acting like the alpha male, expecting dinner, not proactively cleaning and not really fully interacting with me unless it is about himself. He never wants to talk about the future. Again he is a nice guy but I think we are bad for each other.
I've recently become reflective about what I want and I know it involves enjoying the last of the twenties, travelling, making my career a stable one, saving and getting to know myself (spiritually and mentally as I have really lost my way). I would also like to adopt a child evenutally.
So that is where things currently are. I cannot help feeling frustrated but trying to keep perspective as it does take two to tango and I am not blame free either.
Thanks again Aunts and Uncles.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): (He) compared my desire to travel/work short term abroad as just as potentially damaging as inviting people into our sex life".... so that's traveling and working abroad out the window as well...
"I still have moments though, although I am changing but, in some passive way, I don't feel I am allowed to change.".. as I said before, your a young women, and you will change as you get older. What happens to the relationship when this occurs?
I'm done, I'd be really glad if you can update your post. I'd love to know how your going to work this all out...
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): Thanks for the compliment babes, but a lot of the time I'm totally wrong, and way off base... but hopefully I can help.... Some really interesting things struck me about your update...
"I'm not too happy with myself right now so that is adding to the mix." So this is more than about him, this is also about your development and what you want out of life. The new year is nearly here, you need to take a good look at yourself and your life (which is what you seem to be doing on here) and set some goals that will bring you the happiness that you seek.
You've been with this guy for 4years, lived together for 18months. What will change next year, the year after? He's 13years older than you, what happens as you both get older? How long before you get married, what about kids, do you ever get to live in a nice house with nice things? Just wondering honey, probably you've only written down the bad things, and there are tons of nice things that you could say about him too. Just wondering, and pondering what this relationship is giving to you? Your a very young lady (26-29) your in the prime of your life.......
I'm also struck about the way it's all about getting his needs met. Of course we women always want to make a guy happy and we try our best. If love and respect is present, I don't think people should walk away, but you keep on putting up red flags, this makes me wonder what you get out of this relationship.
You want to stop swinging, he doesn't. "To be honest, I feel it's one of the few things he gets really excited about." You want to go out and spend money and do expensive things, he doesn't. You think about moving away, but you can't because he needs your money. You help him fix his insecurities, but when you try and explain how you feel, his answer is "your ruining things, you have (tainted) the relationship". Your living together, but he won't allow you to spend money to fix up the house, so your living in a place that is in a real state, and your not allowed to change it. Your thinking about marriage, but he won't be happy for you to arrange one because he can't afford it, even though you can. "He won't make alternative provisions for himself regarding jobs or achieving other qualifications should he lose his job". He earns less money than you, but isn't interested in gaining more qualifications and skills to change this situation. He's old fashioned, stubborn and dominant, and you admit that you are stubborn and dominant too...
These are the things you have written, can you see the problem a little more clearly. You say your stubborn and dominant, but I've checked your post carefully to see examples of this. I can't see it myself. He's a nice guy, sure, I'll believe you. But aren't relationships supposed to be about give and take. Well I can see whose giving and whose taking. I'd like to know what's in this for you, what dose he give you, what do you get for all the sacrifices your making?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again, Thank you very much for your reply DiovanLestat. I have read some other posts on this site and know that your advice is always spot on, so thank you for taking time to write back to me.I had to chew over what you had written. I would love to take some time out of the relationship and get some focus. I'm not too happy with myself right now so that is adding to the mix. However, I know from previous experience that if I do suggest moving out he will insist I make a decision about the relationship straight away. I have tried twice before over the last 4 years and on one occasion the very next day he said 'I'd tainted the relationship' and wanted to know 'where he stood.' He has had very negative past relationship problems and it took a lot of perservance from me and time to get over them but uncertainty like that throws him of the deep end. So as you can Imagine, I didn't get any of the much needed clarity then!Also as much as he will say that he is an alpha male (yes he does say that!), financially, me being around helps him. I pay what I should do: half the bills, food shop and etc. That half really helps him as he would be in even more debt right now. It makes me feel torn.I really don't know anymore.RegardsAnon x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): PS: Another idea, what about moving out, so you can both have your own space to develop and grow. Maybe that's a solution that might just help you both out. Start dating again, and maybe a little distance might help you both to see things more clearly.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2008): "I just feel like I am overwhelmed with not knowing what I want and where I want to go in life. It's not just the financial/sexual it is a mixture of everything......"
I wanted to help you out, because there haven't been many answers, but you have been given great in depth advice by Ms Anonymous and everything she has said makes a lot of sense...
I'm gonna be doom and gloom babes, because I get a strong feeling that this relationship is not going to develop with you in the way that you want. Yes it's lovely to be accepted, and as you indicate, you and your partner have both been sexually adventurous in the past, but you want to keep your options open and would prefer to try a more intimate, exclusive relationship. I can understand that, and yes your right, that this might not be able to work with him...
Your guy is a swinger, and he wants to continue and your not so keen. That is a big problem, one of you has to compromise, and with sex it's difficult to compromise about something so big. Open/Swinging relationship require consent, trust and commitment, and it doesn't sound like you can give that to him any more... That will make difficulties and we lead to petty jealousies and insecurities and you definitely don't want that...
The money thing is also hard. It's the 21st Century, many women now earn more than a man and the traditional roles have changed. His age means that he sees this as a threat to his masculinity, and you have probably bought into the old story that the man should be the financially strong one. Times have changed babes, and whoever earns the most, should spend the most, that's the only way that men and women can continue to live together now that things have changed...
Money and Sex.. Two big important issues in any relationship and the reason why many people end in the divorce courts. I wish I could find a way for you two to compromise and work together on this. But two strong willed people, both knowing what they feel comfortable with. Sorry babes but the signs don't look good...
This is not a little thing, this is at the heart of your relationship. You must talk to him again, and tell him how important everything is. You either compromise on the money and the sex, or unfortunately, you need to break up, because one of you will always be unhappy if you give in on the things that are important to you....
But I think you already know that...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, Thank you Anonymous, your answer does make sense. Although I wouldn't agree that defining the one boundary regarding sexual matters would resolve all of the problems. They are each having their own affect right now.As for stating my relationship ideal, I did actually try that over a year ago. Something wilted in our relationship and I felt that maybe I was somehow supressing his needs too. He said he was okay with not swinging or 'exploring' but it then came up in subsequent arguments quite frequently. I tried to explain that I wanted to protect our relationship which he found ridiculous and compared my desire to travel/work short term abroad as just as potentially damaging as inviting people into our sex life.On the way hand it is nice to be with someone who understands how I have ticked previously and doesn't judge me for it but now I do feel as though I am stuck in that 'box' and it feels less and less like the me I would like to be. I still have moments though, although I am changing but, in some passive way, I don't feel I am allowed to change. I will look out for the book you mentioned regarding boundaries and again thank you very much for kindly writing back to me.Really appreciated.Anon x
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2008): I don’t think you have come to terms with your own boundaries and as a result can’t defend where they are. I agree, whatever you do while you are single is fine, although I believe that blurring a sex life into multiple encounters causes insecurity ultimately, as you are finding out. Most people want to find a person to share life and intimacy with, to trust, listen, be respected and be heard. Once you have an open relationship there are many more possibilities for doubts, imbalances and issues to creep in. My therapist said it is like a three-legged stool, it only takes one wobbly leg for the whole thing to become unstable.
When a women lets another person into her body that is a complete removal of intimate emotional and physical boundaries. Most people know who to let close enough to hug; not your bank manager for sure! Mother, father, child, lover: yes to that. Not a work colleague. I would not tell a work colleague a personal thing and would not let a stranger invade my trust physically.
I was once a biker girl though! Maybe you have rebelled against your religious upbringing and most of us do rebel about something so that is OK. It just worries me that the way you have chosen to do it is potentially personally damaging long-term.
I know it sounds like preaching, but I think human beings need to feel uniquely loved and most would prefer that the person who loved them once found did not want to share them.
We are not so simple that in responding to lust we can do anything without damage, in a naïve way, just as functional pleasure. We are complex and I think we need to actively protect relationships against threats. There are enough of them, financial, health-wise, family relationships without adding to the melange. Too much of anything is usually damaging. East too much and you get fat, drink to much and wreck your liver, pretend intimacy with too may people and spoil you ability to be intimate.
You decided you would like to be with one person when you were a couple and I think that is a good choice. He has got carried away with your previous sex life and thinks it is OK to continue it, even though you don’t think so. A boundary is crossed which is making you unhappy.
I have been getting counselling for this type of issue as well. I read a book called “Boundaries - Where I end and you begin”, or the other way around. Anyway it has helped me start changing my life around. Plus counselling. Whatever else you need to start putting your needs out there and you need the tools to do it without arguing.
You may have heard of this but don’t use “You” when you say things. It would be something like:
“I feel very sad and unhappy that I don’t have the exclusive sex life I always wanted when I settled down. The way that my sex life is right now is spoiling my relationship and I want the sharing to stop now”.
May be scary but if you don’t your relationship will get more and more resentful. Perhaps you would be happier about the money stuff if he would only listen to you about this. I am seeing a psychologist to help me, I recommend you do the same.
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