A
female
age
30-35,
*sdfg
writes:I leave to visit my LDR for 3 months in Africa next Monday (yaay!!). I'll spare you all of the other details of our relationship except to say that we're both open to sex if the right time comes. ...but here's the thing--one moment he's excited about the possibility in our conversations and asking me all kinds of questions, and then the next minute he'll say something like "I'm so inexperienced [we're both virgins]--I don't want to leave you unsatisfied. I'm not sure we should even have sex when you're here." (he's said things like that at least 5x, including EVERY time he brings up any hesitations on his part or worries)Beyond his initial worries about an unplanned pregnancy (I assured him I was and would be on the pill, planned to bring condoms and spermicide, and so forth), whenever he says he isn't sure he'll want to have sex he brings up his inexperience!! He seems sooo worried that he'll be crap in bed! Frankly, I too am a virgin--I could HONESTLY care less about his performance. I know he probably won't even last more than 2 minutes each time at least the first few times we have sex and probably every single time while I'm there (as I'll only be there 3 months). We'll both be nervous. We're both young (18)--he probably has a less-than-average sized penis. If he decides he's comfortable trying oral, I'm sure it won't be anything close to spectacular. etc....I realize all of these things. For me, it isn't about his performance; it's simply about being able to share these moments with him if he decides he's comfortable. And, honestly, I feel more comfortable knowing that he's a virgin and that I won't be the only one feeling a bit awkward, clumsy, and unsure my first time. I like the fact that he's inexperienced, and it is a bit comforting to know that he has me in mind ("can I satisfy her???" How can I further assure my guy that he shouldn't be so worried about his performance if we decide the time is right, and help him relax and not be so insecure? I love him for who he is, flaws and all, not his c@ck. Thanks :)
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both virgins, condom, insecure, sperm, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (15 January 2010):
 ok. then. Personally I felt fatherly mood, so I feel safe in giving you alert, but your elaborate response sound perfect. Then go ahead, our good wishes is always with you... best luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): Looks like you have done your homework!! Yes Uganda has many many New Start Centers for testing and most of the youth is safe sex conscious. Ofcourse I cannot generalize but Uganda doesn't have major scams like Nigeria and South Africa. You will probably be fine. I guess when you find love you just have to take the chance. Have fun.
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A
female
reader, asdfg +, writes (14 January 2010):
asdfg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous--
No worries about "being negative." I appreciate your frankness. Sorry if I kill you with the reading here....
I suppose I'll divulge some more details about our relationship and say, for one thing, I still to this day am nervous about the whole thing. I know that upon arriving, or even once I get comfortable after a while, I could end up being ambushed, robbed, and tied to a tree, for all I know. The fact that I'm even going there in the first place is a huge risk, and the fact that I entered a relationship over a year ago with a guy who lives on a different continent to this day still makes me feel dumb (and I'd always told myself that I'd never do any kind of online dating).
For whatever its worth I think I have honestly done my best to at least confirm his identity.
1. When we were still just friends (we were first penpals), he excitedly one day showed me his school results when he graduated high school. He showed me a scanned copy of his exam results.
2. He also showed me his passport one day when one of his friends sponsored him to go and get one, along with his soccer player's card.
3. He gave me his full name, birthdate, and the names of his immediate family members.
4. I'd also seen a number of photos of his family and him from when he was an infant to present, as well as a video of him playing soccer where I could clearly hear his voice.
--
So, one day, I found another guy his age who lived in his town on the same website where we first met. I sent him a message and asked if he knew my guy. He said yes, and confirmed the details I asked about and said he knew because they were good friends. I then asked my guy to name his closest friends and this guy was one of them.
Later, I found another guy and did the same thing.
Once I entered a relationship, I decided I had to confirm who he was, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. So, I strategically mailed him a $30 digital camera and $10 webcam and microphone. I figured $40 + $20 shipping was a good investment for my own sake.
He sends me photos all of the time, including pictures with his brothers and sisters, grandma, and dad (his mom left when he was 2, so he has said since we first got together). I check the details on the photos and they're all taken with the same model of camera as I sent.
With the webcam, I asked him to one day bring in his soccer player's card, passport, and final exam results. He did so and came on cam and showed me all of them. I'm no expert but everything seemed right.
He also came on cam with the one friend I first talked to. I'd seen photos of the guy on his profile where I found him and since sending my guy the camera I've seen new ones, and now I've seen him on cam.
Of course, we've also talked on the phone and on mircophone and everything matches up. He calls me and I call him; it's a shared investment.
There's a whole lot more, and I sometimes even worry I might be going overboard, but my whole attitude about this relationship has been, I admit, that I cannot let myself get scammed (psst: except to pay for our house [for which he provided a receipt and pictures, a whopping $120 for 3 months] he has NEVER asked me for cash and I've never sent any). I've done a lot more than what I detailed here but I hope you get the jist...I am trying to do this the sane and street smart way my mom raised me to.
Oh, and for getting tested, yes, that's something we discussed even before the possibility of us having sex during this trip came up. Two days after I arrive (I arrive at 10:00 at night on day 1), we WILL be getting tested together, in front of eachother. That's something we agreed on a long time ago. :)
To answer your question, he's from southwest Uganda.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (14 January 2010):
'http://tinyurl.com/m6zfg2 " his reply has opened my eyes wide open. I am going to trust your words, decide to write all favorable, but...judge by your own mind, do not make love a blind. Love is good, but we should not be blind.
Now my words...What you feel great about your lover, is in first place the 'sex', it make thing more colorful. And, really sex is that much creative. But, separate this natural co lour, and judge the person with some objective standard.
If not person, but think, sex in itself will give you everything you have dream, but person? or an individual? be careful. otherwise, all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2010): I almost gagged on my banana when I read this!!! Are you sure he's a virgin? I am an African and am yet to meet a virgin African man over the age of 12. Anyway, maybe it is wrong for me to judge and make assumptions... Which country is he from? My advice is that you also both get tested for HIV. It takes about 20minutes at the New Start Centres in most African countries and the fee is nominal, like $5. Bill Gates pays for the rest. I say this because we get many sex tourists in Africa who buy into the whole innocence thing. Mostly its the men who buy into it believing they are dating 18 year old single women meanwhile many of them are about 30 with a child or 2. I know a cabbie with an African wife and 3 kids dating at least 3 European women (met when picked them from the airport). They maintain him and he lives well, believe he is single. Yours is probably single at 18 but I would encourage you to ask to see his ID to check his age. I would really encourage the test, if you update this post and tell us which country then I will tell you under which name the test center there is.
Besides that have fun and I think this guy is only trying to minimize your expectations so that when you have sex with him you will be really wowed.
Sorry to be so negative, but its better safe than sorry. Go ahead, believe everything he has to say, but get the test. Have fun.
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