A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help! I honestly don't know what to do. I am engaged to a 28 yr old man that i have been with for almost 2 years now. When we first got together we had sex alot. But now i ask him to make love to me and he says he's too tired or something else. If i'm lucky we have sex only once a month. Also, i caught him looking at cartoon porn on the computer a few different times. Everytime i ask him if he looks at porn on the computer, he lies to me about it until i show him that i know. I hate being lied to and he continues to do that everytime he looks at the porn. I find out and ask him if he was on the computer and he says no that he wasn't even on the computer. With him looking at this porn a good bit and not having sex with me, makes me feel like he's not attracted to me anymore. He tells me he is but he doesn't show it. Is seriously any other guys out there that would rather just look at porn instead of having sex? I can understand every now and then but this is all the time. I could really use alot of advice with this. Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Don't take this the wrong way, but have you changed (physically) by any chance over the last 24 months?
Normally when relationships start, both parties attempt to look their best at every encounter. But as time passes and both partners become familiar with one another and meet more frequently, it just isn't possible to look like a 10 all the time. And that's what changes people's perceptions of others - especially guys who are more visual than women.
So if you've "let yourself go" physically (even if it is just a little bit in one area - such as, say, managing your body hair - because you think your partner loves 'you for you' now that you've 'been together for so long') his perception of you has likely changed - and as a result, he's being put off by the change. And since guys NEED to have sex, he's looking at porn as a means of stimulation because his perception of porn hasn't changed - the pornstars still look the same as they did before you guys met.
The only reason I'm siding with this explanation is because you mentioned you two used to get at it all the time, but now you don't. It's not necessairly the porns fault like many others are suggesting. He may be looking at porn more frequently now to "release" because hes not getting his jollies off you (sorry for being blunt). And for a lot of guys, talking about intimacy is difficult, so he keeps resorting to what's easy - looking at porn instead of discussing any problems he's having with your appearance.
Sounds shallow, but most of us guys are.
To fix the situation, try to maintain the apperance you had when you first met (this doesn't mean go out and get plastic surgery or anything drastic like that, but defin take care of yourself - guys like to know that their girls doll themselves up for them). Try speaking to him about both of your appearances and any standard expectations you both have (to get an idea of whats up). Last but not least, try taking control of sex. Some of us guys really get turned on when women take the lead (i.e. greet us at the door in lingerie). I know you said "i ask him to make love to me" but that's not really taking control.
Hope this helps!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): Duh, his problem is porn, plain and simple. Another man lost to porn!!
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 And baby, his porn watching is never a reflection of you... it actually has nothing to do with you.. it's him that has the problem... don't blame yourself because someone has issues that they are frightened to deal with.He's avoiding sex and female loving for some reason.. you need to find out what the problem is, if you decide to keep him.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 August 2010):
Give him back his ring.. if he can't have sex with you, and dosen't make you feel loved, worshiped and desired, he's no use to you.
Give him back his ring, you can't get married to a man who is too lazy to be bothered to give you sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament :( Yes, I've been there and went to counseling and SA meetings with my ex, but this is an extremely difficult addiction for some men to shake....IF he is addicted. These men are not worth staying with and you need to make a decision for your own happiness...if he doesn't get better, do you want to live your life like this??? How much time can you afford to give him for recovery?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Porn can be addictive. Especially now it's possible to get infinite amounts of video on demand of any type of porn you can imagine... well it's very easy to get very addicted.
The human male brain evolved to be attracted to (mostly) females. It didn't evolve to handle being deluged in what internet porn has become.
If you think of him as an addict it might be clearer how you can solve the situation. Realise he might want to stop, but can't. Realise that addicts naturally are ashamed of their addiction and will keep lying about it.
Perhaps ask him if he thinks he's addicted to porn. And if he says yes, ask him if he wants to find a way to stop, or at least substantially cut down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): I am in the same boat as you..I have been with my bf for almost 6 years now on and off.. I am lucky to get it once every two weeks...if that! When we were first together it was all the time..now in the last year it has fizzled out.. We have totally opposite schedules though..he works days and i work nights. We have 2 days off together a week. Everytime i try to seduce him he always says hes tired..It makes me feel like crap...like he is not attracted to me.. Almost to the point when he turns me down i feel like crying.. I know that he watches porn and beats it while im at work..when i ask him he does tell me the truth..but still.. I dont know what to do.. I have tried over and over again to spice things up and it doesnt do the trick. When we do end up having sex, im the one who does ALL the work..and i am so tired of it.. Its hard to know the right thing to do..I love him more than anything in this world, and for the most part im happy, besides our sex life. Have you tired talking to him about it. If i try to talk about it we end up fighting...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Another guy fucked over by porn. Get rid of him now before you get more and more hurt!!! I mean, cartoon porn, come on. By reading all these posts on here just convince me more and more how fucked up men are, childish, selfish, you name it. Leave him to wank himself silly to cartoons and get yourself a real man who wants to fuck your brains out!!!! Good luck x
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