A
female
age
36-40,
*aqt
writes:I am 21 years old, have been dating the same guy for 3 years and engaged for 2. We have a 1 year old little girl together. He is a great father, but lately he is not such a great partner. He is not interested in having sex with me at all. I asked him why and he said he doesn't want to do that anymore with anyone and if I want to find someone to have sex with then I should. I know he has cheated in the past, and I can't be sure if he still is or not. What should I do? I have so much invested to just leave him and I still love him, but I can't keep going with no affection towards me! I have asked him if he still wants to be with me once just to give him a way out if he wanted one. He seems content to just be a roommate and father of our child. I am so lonely and we live together. What do I do? What's wrong with him? or me?
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female
reader, iaqt +, writes (23 January 2009):
iaqt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for your help. I still don't know what to do. I did get an application for a duplex and I am just going to fill it out just in case... but I still don't know... it's hard.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): Is there anyway that you could pay the rent on your own?
Maybe ask him to move out for a while, tell him you found out what he has been up to lately. Ask him to leave, but be sure that he is still involved with your daughters life.
I'm not sure if this is the best answer but it is just a suggestion.
I hope things work out for both you and your child soon though. My heart and prayers are with you both. :-)
You sound like a good person, I'm sorry you got caught up with such a inadequate guy.
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A
female
reader, iaqt +, writes (19 January 2009):
iaqt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice. If my friend was asking me this question I would have to say I would answer similarly. I do have an update though... Last night one of his co-workers came to me to tell me that he was cheating- Great. He is one of those, who makes me feel guilty for accusing him. I feel like i want to leave when he is gone, and when he comes home he makes me want to stay and be miserable, as if I deserve it. The only hard part is that I have no money or any possessions, so if I left.. Where would I go? Too bad we aren't married I could a least get something from the divorce to start a new life with. I work full time job, but all my money goes to childcare and bills. I guess I just am at a loss of where to go from here? And why do i still love this guy!?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): First of all, There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.If he does not want to be sexually involved with someone,then that has nothing to do with you, do not go around blaming yourself.If he is not interested in you sexually, then you should consider talking to him about your engagement with him.It is a wonderful thing that he is a good father, but maybe it is best if you both part ways for a short while.Now, please don't get me wrong, i know you have put a lot into him and the relationship. This may not be the answer you want to hear but perhaps it is better to talk it out with him, and reconsider the engagement. You wouldn't have to split up completely but just temporary, maybe not being together will make you both stronger. It will make him see what he has, and might possibly make him miss you.You both can work out the arrangements of who takes care of your daughter and when. Perhaps if possible during your time apart you both can take care of her together.But, consider living apart for a while.This may not be the best answer, but it is something for you to consider doing.Whatever happens, good luck.Hopefully this problems works out soon.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Nothing is wrong with you. You love this guy, you have a family with him and you want to express caring and love in a sexual way. So don't begin blaming yourself..he has a problem that is within him and you are a casualty, here. I am interested in knowing how old he is. Is he a lot older than you? Lack of sexual interest due to erectile dyfunction affects a lot of older guys, depression can set in, and a doctor's visit is needed to find out why. But even at that, humans need affection and hugs...so when these guys do love their lady, they are still affectionate and loving in other ways. So I'm guessing, if he's not responding at all to anything loving from you, then it sounds to me that this could mean he's grown complacent and in his eyes, the relationship has run it's course. And..if he's giving you permission to go out and have sex with other men, it sounds like he's working hard to push you out of his life. If you continue in this relationship, I feel your self-esteem will continue to take a huge nosedive. So why suffer like that? No one should have that type of power over you. Simply because.. each time his little rejections of your intimate approaches, continue, you will be in deep pain, despair and you will drag yourself down. I also think that your despair is a sign of mourning-you may know the writing is on the wall. I am sorry.
I think what may be happening with you, is this guy is too scared to end this, and he fears hurting your feelings so he's being weak. Guys think about sex a lot and many of them don't even have to love a female to do it. If this guy has to pause and say "no, I don't want sex anymore with my gf" anymore...then I will say to you, don't spend any more time, on him. It will take time, but...when you recover from all this, hopefully with your confidence, pride, dignity and self-esteem intact. I know it's nice to have a bf, but don't lower your standards here, just to have that. You need to be a happy, loved woman, too. If he won't give you that, you are better to go it on your own.
My suggestion: Take a break, have him go. Build a new life with your child. Visit a lawyer, and get a legal advisement on what it will take to get this guy to still be emotionally and financially responsible for his child. . The child will definitely still need her Father in her life. Encourage visitations and keep an open mind, for her sake. But go and make a new, refreshed life for yourself. Go make yourself happy! Walk away....be strong and remember you are loveable. Good luck, dear.
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