A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I (35y) and my boyfriend (45) are together for 3 years (2 y we live together). He got divorced 6 years ago and has six children with his ex. The marriage took place about 20years ago. She (ex) threw him out of the flat (all of a sudden) and wanted the divorce. After that, he was seeking professional help for one year. His ex comes only up when she wants money (or it seems like that)for the "kids" e.g. she send an email to him on her own birthday informs him that she got a new email address!(calls just before Christmas) He always gets exited if some contact comes up. He was replying instantly, although there was no sign of her or the kids since last Christmas. The ex treated him terrible in their marriage (he said). He is a nice guy and proposed last July to me, but I am really not sure what to do as he never mentioned it again or did some preparations. It drives me mad to see if the ex calls or writes to him he is doing anything immediately. He said, he knows that she is only contacting him about money. He is paying the kids maintainance on time and does not see his kids all year (last time he saw them was 2 years ago as they live abroad) but sends money over for the kids. At the same time he tells me that everything goes so expensive. (I earn more than he does and we split the cost in a 50:50 portion.) I mean if he can afford to send money to his ex (kids) he should not tell me that everything gets so expensive. (the money send is extra money despite of the fact that he pays maintainance)I really do not know what to do as I do not know how to deal with his "package". Anybody in the same boot?
View related questions:
christmas, divorce, his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. I really appreciate them.
As far as I can see she (the ex) is the past and his kids and I should be the future. She should be "just" a link - But why does he tells her everything concerning us (e.g. work, life etc)once she is contacting him- if he just wants to speak to his kids? He said he wants just to be friendly... Furthermore, I had to choose at the age of 16y what I want to do with my life as I had a miscarriage and a hysterectomy -and he knows that. My choice was having a career and not to be dependend (money-wise) on a man.
His ex more or less refuses the contact anyway with his kids as I have said last time was two years ago and he travelled to them - went to the cinema and she was collecting the kids after the movie had finished. - Not really worth travelling for 12 hrs to "gain" two hrs in a dark cinema... She does not want him in her house and he has no clue where she lives - got a phone number and that's it.
However, thank you very much for your advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Firstly, his ex would have needed him permission to move abroad with the chidren, because that's the law, so he must have given his consent. In doing so, he should have also arranged to have regular visitation with them. Not seeing his children for two years is really unacceptable, I have to say. He has 6 children and surely any normal parent could not bear to be parted for two years from their own children. A friend of mine moved abroad with her chidlren, but every two months the father goes to visit them for a week and the mother moves out of the family home and he moves in (less disruption for the kids, more time for him to spend with them). Surely this should be an issue you consider carefully if he is to marry you and potentially be the father of your future children. I am 34 and recently ended a reltionship with a man who was 43 (so similar in age to you two). He had two children, who he saw every other day. They were lovely kids and he was a great father, but at the end of the day I did not want to be ina relationship with someone with baggage. That sounds awful I know, but I found that, during the course of our relationship, I wanted to be put first. Over the two years we were together, I realised that it's not possible to be put first when someone has children - they should/will always be number one priority. I think it is different if you have your own children, because you understand their predicament more. But if you haven't got any yet (you haven't said in your message) then it can be a very difficult position to be in. He sends his ex maintenance, and sometimes more on top - my ex did the same thing, although the extra money wasn't regularly, it was just if something urgent came up (school trip for example). That's not unusual. It's good that he pays his way, although I still don't understand why he doesn't hop on a cheap flight and visit them now and then. Anyway, if you are honest, you dislike the contact he has with his ex. You don't like the fact that he responds to her emails quickly, but of course he would because she is the mother of his children. She will always be important, and that vital link between him and his kids. That's something I couldn't handle either so I know how you feel. Although are you sure you're not reading more into how he acts when he gets a message from her? Perhaps he isn't excited, just anxious. My ex's ex used to call him and have a go at him about dropping the kids off late and things like that, and I hated it that he never told her to get lost and not speak to him like that. But I quickly realised that there was a part of him which would always bow down to her (even though he denied it all the time). It's a man thing, don't read into it more than it is - I'm sure he loves you to peices. But..you need some answers to help you decide whether marriage is what you want. You really need to talk to your boyfriend in much more detail, you need to ask him to tell you why he really broke up, in what way did his ex treat him badly, why he let the kids move abroad and why he can't save some money to visit them and work out access with his ex. If you love him, these things will work themselves out, but in reality you are just not sure whether to marry him. You are unsure of his relationship with his ex, you don't feel secure because of their contact, you are also probably a little pleased that he hardly sees his kids. But if you are to be a true partnership (and you live together, so you are halfway there) then your money needs to be pooled together and finances agreed up front. There can be no secrets in a marriage and that includes financial secrets. Are you sure this is the direction you want to go in? Have you thought about what you will do when the kids show up in the future (which they will) and you have to play step-mum? What about when they have children and you are still spending a fortune on your (step) grandchildren. It's important to be honest with yourself about what you want in the future and try not to get worked up about his ex. best of luck xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): I really feel for you as I know how difficult I can be! I am an ex wife with children and without doubt I can be as difficult as your partners ex wife. I will ask for as much money as possible and ensure I play games at Christmas time and other key moments to cause trouble. The only difference is my husband left me and the children and I still feel bitter and want to pay him back every way I can. What you need to remember is that this woman is going to be in your life for a long long time especially with six children and he is going to want as much contact with them as she will allow and will probably put up with her mind games just to keep the access to the children sweet. Now I know it is not right but you have to weigh up the pros and cons if you can put up with this in your life for years to come. If I was my ex husband's girlfriend I would run for the hills as I am never going to let up until I have taken every single penny from him and made sure his life with her is miserable. If your fiance's ex is like me she is going to want and need an awful lot of money for all of them over time.
My warning bell to you would be his keenness and desire to respond back to her so quickly, my ex husband is not remotely interested and will take days to respond if at all, so be careful if he was the one who was dumped that he doesn't still hold out some feelings for her. I have found that the one who is dumped tends to find it much harder to let things go than the one who made the choice and has effectively moved on. Also think about you wanting a child with him, is he going to want to be responsible for seven children. I am not trying to put you off and I hope your love sees you through I am just trying to let you know how difficult bitter ex wives with kids can be and that they will stop at nothing for their money and pound of flesh.
...............................
|
