A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently grieving over a recent breakup and I'm aware that in my current mindset, it's not the right time to make big decisions about my life. During the grieving period, you can't really follow your head OR your heart, because everything's so conflicted and mixed up.. I feel one thing one hour, then may feel entirely different the next.. I've had this guy in my life for the past eight years. We've been through everything together. It started out during the first year as a friendship, but it grew to a deep love and understanding of each other. At first, we had everything, but love is never perfect. It turned out that I was unable to have pleasurable sex and I'm on the waiting list for an operation.. so over time, the intimacy in our relationship died out because he was always afraid of hurting me. After that, we really evolved into friends.. but it wasn't REALLY friends. We still deeply loved each other, but were unable to show it. The lack of intimacy between us affected our relationship hugely, I realise that now. Over the years, we evolved into a brother/sister type relationship where he was this AMAZING person in my life.. like part of my family. I was absolutely and whole-heartedly devoted to him and just got used to the fact that I couldn't physically show him how I felt about him and vice versa. I can't entirely blame myself for the lack of intimacy though. A few years ago, he fell into depression over his working life and sort of withdrew into himself.I've learnt how two good people can somehow get into an unhealthy situation and just let things continue status quo.. times goes by and you just get used to the way things become.Over the past couple of years, he and I referred to each other as 'best friends', honestly not sure what to make of what we still had. But last year, another girl came into his life. A friend he had for the past decade and they began contacting each other regularly. Last year we'd grown apart a fair amount. Looking at how things had become, we weren't even so much as kissing each other, we never stayed at each other's houses, we weren't living together and really the only thing we used to do was spend time together, but we had gone weeks without seeing each other because I was so busy with my new career. This girl came into his life and it was just a friendship at first and he didn't tell me about the time he spent with her last year and had lied about it. When I found out about what had happened, I was livid that the one person in my life that I loved, the person I considered my soulmate, had lied to me. It FELT like I lost my husband, despite the fact we labelled each other as 'best friends'.I had thought this was a full on relationship he had with this girl, but really it was an emotional affair - a secret friendship, there was no sex. We've been apart for months and it's been the most painful period of my life and also for him. We met up last month because I really wanted to hear what happened FROM him, as I'd only heart something from someone else and my mind had wandered in all directions. We've spent many hours on the phone talking about things, acknowledging what went wrong, what we mean to each other.. and we've spent a bit of time together.. I've kept a limit on it though, as I have been doing a lot of work to move on with life and I'm afraid of getting caught back in that in-between thing we'd grown into.Last night, we watched a DVD together and I just HAD to know if we still felt for each other in the same way we once did.. and I kissed him. Well, the sparks did fly and we ended up almost sleeping together, but of course I'm still waiting for my operation, so nothing could happen. But how I felt when I was kissing him, with his arms around me.. and him looking into my eyes.. well it was magic.. just like the first few years we were together. Things have always been fantastic with us. No substance abuse issues, no control issues.. we are the best of friends.. we get on like a house on fire. With the intimacy fading out, we still treasured every moment together and over the last few years, took many holidays.. falling asleep in each other's arms in hotel rooms.. years of no intimacy, but when I kissed him last night.. well, I can't stop thinking about him now. My sex drive has gone through the roof! I just can't wait to be close to him again. Doesn't sound like the sort of thing I should be thinking about while I'm trying to move on with my life.Despite us not having the official label of being in a relationship, you still have to try and understand that after all these years, I felt so betrayed that he'd lied to me about the time he'd spent with this other women.. and when she came onto him, he ended things straight away to be with me. I found this out through someone else and I know it's true. He dealt with the situation pretty well considering.. and I know for a fact she hasn't been in his life since we've been apart. He's been asking my friends about how I've been doing and worrying about how I was coping or if I was blaming myself.This guy has been my one and only for so many years. The thought of spending the rest of my life with him just makes me feel happy and at peace inside, because with him, I always felt I had the freedom to be my authentic self.. and well, I hope he feels the same. We could just enjoy the simple things in life and have fun together. I really can't stop thinking about him now. Us kissing last night has awoken something inside for both of us that had lay dormant for such a long long time.I would love to hear your suggestions and perspectives of the situation. I know that a lot of these feelings, including the mysterious elevated sex drive.. and feeling DRAWN to seeing him are all part of the grief.. and I can't confuse that. There were reasons we faded out and he DID lie to me. My mind seems to sway from wanting to rebuild what we had to wanting to move away and run from the feelings and try and start over (really just in the hopes fate will bring us back together).Any advice is appreciated. Thanks everyone.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): Sorry for the confusion Moos Mum. I'm sure if you asked him if we were back together, he wouldn't know either. The boundaries were unclear for years and it wasn't until this girl came into his life that it made us both realise we were more than friends, even if we weren't physically showing it. As soon as this girl kissed him (a onetime event), he said he felt awkward and that it was wrong and he knew he wanted to work things out with me. Now that I've hit rock bottom and grieved for something that I thought was SOO much worse, I have come out of it and I'm looking at the situation clearly. I can see the mistakes we made and how unhealthy the relationship was and I've made a promise to myself to never ignore or compromise my own needs or just 'settle' ever again. But the more I think about it, I can't imagine moving forward in my life without my best friend beside me. And to know those lustful feelings are still there for us both.. well it gives me up there's something special there to work with. Two months ago I NEVER WOULD HAVE EVER thought I'd actually be considering taking him back, but hearing him explain the situation between him and this girl has made me realise I DID know him all along.. he isn't some manipulative womaniser as I'd first thought. He lied to protect my feelings and the majority of the time he spent with her was just a friendship to him. He ended it without me even knowing anything about it. In the end, he did the right thing.. so I can't hold a grudge forever.. despite the fact I still get bitter at times. I think this is the man I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, hence my emotional state when I found out about this. His depression had caused him to keep me at arms length for years and I didn't know whether we had a future.
Thanks for your advice :)
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (12 April 2010):
 Sorry I obviously miss read your post cause I thought you were back together. Normally I'm not a fan of rekindling broken relationships but in your case I would make an exception. Neither of you have cheated on each other in the traditional sense so I would definately give it another go. Talk lots and resolve your feelings together and see how it goes.
Best of luck to you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): So even though I went through all those emotions as if he'd cheated (as we'd been joined at the hip for 9 years and it really felt like a marriage without the sex).. do you think we should be together? And do you think what he's done means I could take him back? It's not like it was a full-fledged affair and we were in an OFFICIAL relationship at the end, but I used to tell him I loved him. Now he says how much he loves me and this situation made him realise that. That's why he told her to get lost. He was upset over Christmas because he had tried to let her know things couldn't go further and she was begging him and he didn't want to hurt his friend.
Anyways, the oral sex all other stuff died out over the years.. because of his depression AND because of the fact whatever we started, we couldn't finish.. it's complicated in the situation. Sex becomes a painful unbearable experience leaving him feeling guilty and all the other stuff just feels like licking icing on the cake you know? So it just sort of faded out. But our encounter this weekend shows me we're both still hot for each other in a HUGE way.. and if so, we could have everything again. Those feelings of lust had been suppressed. *sigh it's confusing :(
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (11 April 2010):
I would imgaine he lied to you about this friendship with the other girl because he knew it would hurt your feelings since he kind of had the same relationship with her as he has with you. Maybe in his mind he felt as though he were cheating on you with her and felt bad about it, which he shouldn't of since it was just a friendship.
What I can't understand is that even though you can't have full on vaginal sex why are you not doing the thousands of other things to each other that are possible and part of a loving sexual relationship. You could give him a blowjob or stimulate him to climax with your hands, he could stimulate your clitoris, perform oral sex and much more. Get the book "The joy of sex" and start learning the other ways you can have a sexual relationship with him that doesn't involve penetration.
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