A
female
age
30-35,
*0ph1eR
writes:Cutting a long story short. I have had a no strings attached for 10 years with the same person. We both live separate lives and have sometimes gone 6 months with no contact. I used to be really happy with the random hook ups, but within the last year my outlook on whatever you can call this situation, has changed. From day one I fancied this person, we hand the same humour and I suppose, we do really get each other. At first I could cut this out and just have sex on the odd occasion, but now I’m at the point where I’ve realised that I have this emotional attachment and can’t do it anymore. The thing is, I have no reason to suddenly have this attachment. He’s never led me on, we have never done the small talk and in actual fact, I know nothing about him, so I’m really confused on why I feel this way. Because I needed to be true to myself, I explained that I couldn’t do it anymore and I couldn’t risk feelings surfacing. I was coming away from our meet ups feeling unfulfilled, which made me realise that this had to stop.Immediately after, I felt like we’d just broken up - what a joke, however a slight weight felt like it had been lifted. He didn’t have anything to say, which I highlighted, so that was the end of that. I deleted his number. Less than a week later he made contact, which I was very confused about. All he said was that he cared and nothing more. So, with this situation being like a drug. We had intense sex again. He said, how can he give this up when it’s this good. So yes, I get that’s why he’s hanging on, but my question is, can someone really have no strings for that long and not feel anything? He has been in the army and been a fire fighter, so I do believe he just sees me as excitement and can cut me off quite easily. After our last encounter I said look I really can’t do this, you’re just using me as a bit of meat, from which he said - I can talk.. I’m so confused after everything I’ve said that he made that comment. I am assuming he just said it to pass the guilt onto me when it’s actually him that feels that way. To almost test him, a few days later I asked to meet and he said he doesn’t have time right now. Is that so he can regain that fix, or is he keeping me at arms length so he doesn’t gain feelings like I have? I just need closure/answers before I cut this off to save my sanity, I’m here for someone to help me explain to him how and why this can’t continue. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2024): What if... what you are having trouble to come to terms with is the fact that our most precious currency is our Grim-Reaper defined limited time on this Earth?
And you have 'spent' that without thinking about, what if in 10 years' time I find myself wishing that I had indeed at least 'invested' it.
And now you're banging your head against a boulder to turn an irrecoverable expenditure into an investment.
A
female
reader, All That Glitters  +, writes (27 January 2024):
 You need to take back your power and cut ties with him - if you want something more than sex.
If he truly cared about you, he would have respected your wish to break contact but he didn't...and he knew it would lead to sex...which it did.
Sex and intimacy are two very different things. Ultimately, if he wanted to make time for you and wanted something more, he would make it happen.
Please, for your own sanity, cut ties with him! Shouldn't the "test" have been closure enough? This cannot continue for the sake of your emotional well-being, you don't owe him any explanations or reasons (after all you are not in a relationship with him).
And please, please...do not tell yourself this situation is like a "drug" - don't undermine your power.
You can have a committed relationship and keep your independence - heck you can still have mind-blowingly good sex. Just don't sell yourself short!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2024): Twelve years? 12? TWELVE? My god! What were you thinking!
Oh wait, I know. You created a movie in your head and enjoyed being the female lead. Except, life is not a movie and life is something you BUILD.
You have to change the way you think about people and relationships, otherwise you'll just continue doing the same thing, with him or somebody new. A good friend of mine is like that. She's 49 and still living in the fantasy world. She's a good person, but ever since we were young she kept making the same mistakes over and over again. On top of her fear of being alone, now she has a horrible fear of aging and acts like a teenager! I wouldn't care that all of this looks very sad had it not been for the fact that she is very sad too.
You are still young, BUILD your life don't live in a loop.
And to answer your question YES. Men like sex. If it's good they'll be back for it, especially if their lady "friend" is not demanding. When they end such a relationship, it's because they have either grew tired of it or found somebody new. Unfortunately, it's up to the lady "friends" to cut the loose if they want something serious.
He's not keep you at arm's length because he has feelings or is afraid of having them. You have become boring because you asked for something more. So you either get back in line and continue this meaningless thing or that's that.
And yes. I have seen so many times people looking for "closure". That's just an excuse for prolonging this obsession. If he wanted to have anything more with you, he'd be knocking on your door, you wouldn't have to chase him and beg for an explanation. But hey... maybe you need this experience to learn. But to be able to learn, first you have to want to learn and see things for what they are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2024): You are being unrealistic hoping it will turn into more. He carries on with it for as long as he can because it saves him finding and paying a lot of money for a sex worker.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 January 2024):
 You CHOSE to waste 10 years on a guy who in fact DID use you for sex, just as YOU used him.
If nothing of significance has happened to make this from a casual screw partner "thing" - it won't happen after 11 or 12 years or more.
You caught feelings and wanted more, he is happy about the sex but can't make time to TALK to you, which means that he likes your "private parts" not YOU as a person. You just come with the hole he enjoys.
"I’m here for someone to help me explain to him how and why this can’t continue."
You don't OWE him an explanation. He knows. Just tell him you are done with the casual sex with him, that you no longer wish to continue and that you wish him well. Then you BLOCK him, and you work on moving on.
Regard it AS a breakup. And do go running back when you have an "itch" you want to scratch.
Figure out what you WANT for yourself going forward.
If you WANT a REAL relationship, then that is what you need to work on (after you have let this guy truly go). You need to define for yourself what those entails, what your expectations are for yourself and your potential partner.
Figure out what YOU have to offer. And stop settling for a poke every now and then with no investment emotionally.
I think you hope that you can SAY something to him that will make him WANT to date you, but that ship has sailed, like, 9 years ago.
Stop wasting your life on a guy who isn't into YOU. Just your body.
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