A
female
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anonymous
writes:Where to start…. Im feeling rather lost and not sure what to do about my whole situation, im feeling very upset and I guess hurt at times and don’t know how to get this all to where I want.. here goes…I have been with partner 3 years (living together) Things were always great, we are loving caring, sexual, very open, understanding and I felt very lucky to be adored the way I was by him, nothing was ever too much trouble and things were always great… Totally and utterly in love, I guess we still are, but its getting really hard …. Just recently and I guess it started about 6 months to a year ago when the sex started to fade a bit and we used to row over it… he does look at porn, but that wasn’t the problem, it was that we were only having sex every other week and that wasn’t enough, I felt it should be more, he didn’t see the need and so on and then we used to row over it and he always felt nagged and it never really did get resolved, but I knew he loved me and things were pretty much okay, and it kind of didn’t seem to matter and we kind of got round it, he made a effort for a while and things were getting better, although not great.Now he has a daughter from a previous relationship, its never been an issue before, but just recently the ex is making demands that hes not seeing her enough and that she needs more money etc.. he normally shuts it out and its not a problem, but its now affecting me. Never has it before there as always been the right balance but that’s because he wasn’t working, didn’t need to. Now however hes got a new job has had for the last few months and it just seems that hes letting that take over as its easier to face.. hes working silly hours, when I say that I don’t mean shift work, more 7 days week, and rotated shift type pattern but long hours sometimes, so sometimes gets days off in the week, sometimes weekend, it’s a varied pattern, he lives an hour from his daughter so it’s a lot harder for him to see her, and of course if he wasn’t working then he couldn’t pay the stupid ex!! So hes in a catch 22 on that…(although that’s always been the case, money issue and so on, but its never affected us before) Although now Just seems that’s hes so consumed with the job (used to have a go at me for talking about work all the while but its okay for him to do) So its work work work and how crap it is where he is, and he doesn’t seem to see that I hate my job too, im less important! Now I know hes got all this going on, stress of a job, stress of the ex, and he really wants to see his daughter, he still looks out for me and takes care of me, but im feeling out on a limb… for example as you can imagine the sex has gone… that was already tainted previously but now he doesn’t turn to me at all, I appreciate that hes having a hard time and I look out for him too and love him very much and he knows that, I show him all the time, kissing him, cuddling him, sending him texts to brighten up his day… He used to at least cuddle me like spoons of a night time in bed, now its not so much touching me, more just an arm over me, he does pull me in slightly, but doesn’t hold me caress and tell me he loves me, like he used to.. we don’t cuddle in the mornings before getting up any more (this started to fade before the ex had a mental) anyway I know he loves me, and I love him, and I try to understand all this, but it just seems that its never what I want, we never have a stress free time, there is always a reason for not making love, always a reason hes feeling off par, and im feeling left out in the cold… he doesn’t see it like that obviously, but I am feeling very neglected… maybe it is selfish, but what can I do about it, I want to help him, but it keeps it all to himself, yes he does kiss me, and cuddle but not like it was, its almost like hes just going through the motions, doenst tell me he loves me first anymore, its always when I say it, I know he loves me, but we used to say it all the time and now its i dunno lost... and im feeling really hurt by it all…This last couple of weeks ive been under the doctor, hes so bothered with his job, that hes forgotten to ask me how I am, how im feeling and did what the doctor prescribe work… hes not once checked im okay. (maybe hes fed up with cheking im okay, I don’t know) Just seems there is always a reason not to have sex, (when we do have sex, its like an effort to do so, and sometimes after its almost like, did what you wanted!!) I appreciate if your stressed depressed it’s the last thing you want, (but he reckons he is not depressed or stressed) but im not getting an in between on this an he just says things will be okay… but from where im sitting im feeling really crap… I mean I appreciate the sex will be hard, but its never bothered him before no matter whats been thrown our way, hes always made sure that I know he loves me… ( I don’t mean sex means that, but its nice to express that way!) and I know its not everything but what does hurt is that he had some time to himself this week, and rather than do anything constructive he sat and looked at porn… doesn’t include me, doesn’t initiate sex with me and when I try to be loving and caring and help to relax him sexually he doesn’t want to… (i know he disappears off to the loo for a wank too and that hurts) He says he still fancies me, still loves me, still wants me, and says there isn’t a problem…. Its been more noticeable this last week that im not getting as much affection at all… I tried to not let it bother me and understand that he has issues, but im feeling like life is a real long hard struggle at the moment..Id like to have a loving caring relationship, with no struggles, no stress, just us loving each other and growing together, it used to be like that but now its turning in to something else, also we don’t live in the nicest of places and Id like to change that, but we need to wait for him to be in his job longer before we can buy somewhere, just feels like its never going to happen.. I feel stuck but don’t want to lose him, want to support him and make him feel great but feel I cant do it on my own, I want to be wanted also and at the moment im not feeling wanted… I love him so very very much and just want us to be happy, im feeling so down and I guess he feels nagged all the time, boss at work, the ex, the last thing he wants is me to say im feeling crap and nag him to! what do I do!!! Im so sad…..Sorry this is so long but has anyone got any insight on what I can do…??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): I hate to be reading this. Talk to him. Tell him your wants and needs. It isn't up to you to be shut out and unhappy. That isn't right. Tell him, things need to get better or you will have to leave. I wouldn't stay if that was going on with me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks David, anon,
I have mentioned most of whats in this post to him, but a constant nagging girlfriend wont make you feel any better!
The sex as drifted for a while and I dont know how to begin to get it back... I leave it as its not worth the grief!
We do love each other immensly and i do look for problems at times that are not there... i guess i just want a normal happy life!
We do still enjoy each others company very much so, we always do things together all the time and nothing is ever to much trouble it just feels strained and the sex is just odd, for a couple like us that does spend so much time together its sooo wierd that we are not having much sex, its not like we are too busy we are together alot, it just seems hes happy to just sit and talk with me and we lost the way with the sex, im cool most of the time, but really dont understand when its there any time of day or night he doesnt want it, he says its not the bee all and end all and we are more than rutting animals.. just hard to get the right balance... but i dont know how to get back on the right road with everything else going on... the sex thing has been done to death, and now i feel it aint coming back, but fear this is spilling out to other parts of our relationship but he doesnt see it... he says he wants me loves me and finds me attractive still, so i really dont get it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2006): I think that you basically need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. I, being a guy, know that there are some times when guys don't really understand girls and don't realize that there is something a girl wants that the guy isn't giving him. You need to be blunt, because guys don't understand what you need unless you tell them specifically.
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A
male
reader, David Lewis +, writes (6 October 2006):
 I feel for you, I really do. I am glad that you are understanding of his ways to an extent. The pressures of work and personal problems can put a real dampener on a sex life.
Personally, I think you both need some time away from the stresses of home. Maybe take some time off work and go away together, even just for the weekend. Spend some quality time together and talk to each other. It seems like you no longer enjoy each others company. This spark can be re-ignited.
If he feels as though he is pressured to have sex, this is probably why he would prefer to sneak off for a quick wank. He can get off without the emotional side to it.
I really feel you should both speak to a counsellor about this. I think you can both be very happy, but at the moment, stress is coming at you both from all angles.
How you both deal with these stresses is the key. You need to be as supportive as possible with each other.
Most of what you have said in your post, I feel he has no idea about your feelings. Maybe you can show him this page or write him a letter detailing your concerns.
I wish you both the very best of luck, please let me know how this develops.
Take care xx
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