A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi, its usually me giving the advice, but now I need some. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year, we did get in to a relationship rather quick, but I don't regret any of it. He really does make me feel special and does take care of me. but as a woman, I have insecurities. In my last relationship, I got cheated on. My self esteem went ridiculously low, but during the time I was single, I managed to build my self up again, so when I got with my partner now, I was feeling good about myself. But somehow being with him, it got pushed down again. My boyfriend has this thing about extremely curvy women, sort of like American strippers type of curvy women, and seems like he has some sort of infatuation about them which leads me to become insecure again. He doesn't inflict his opinion on me directly, but does insinuate that I should squat more or I should waist train. And it ends up making me feel really insecure. I've confronted him about it and he apologises and says he doesn't mean to make me feel like that and he finds me perfect, and if he has upset me it was unintentional.But lately, I've been seeing him look at curvy girls on social networks a lot and even sending his friends pics of girls that look like that, and he is always talking about how he cannot wait to go to America (but he says it's not about the girls it's about the food and shopping etc which I don't believe). I confronted him about it and he feels as if I'm too touchy and I shouldn't be cause he doesn't cheat or do anything, and since I practically live with him and I'm with him literally throughout the whole day, he says he doesn't understand what I'm upset about. He told me he won't do it again as he saw it made me upset, but it just brings so much insecurities in me and now I'm afraid of what the future holds. I'm scared that temptation would bring the worst out of him in the future when he does decide to explore the world, we have spoken about it and he promises me it's only me he wants and needs.I've been going gym, and been trying to make myself more in shape but i see such small differences, any advice on how to stop feeling like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): You're really contradicting yourself.
You don't think it's worth dumping him. Because your blinded by your love for him. But the fact is (based in the information you provided) he wants you to drastically change your body. So it's obviously not a phase or fantasy.
And you're actually considering going under the knife for a guy!?!?
But yet you say you love yourself.
All your doing is making excuses for him and his disrespectful behavior.
Wake up.
A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (27 November 2015):
 Hold on- he's actually is trying to encourage you going under the knife for his own gain?? He knows you feel insecure, he's nurtured those existing insecurities to the point it makes you upset- pushing his luck right!? When you're really attracted to someone, you walk into a room- there's attractive people around, but you see only them- you're not matching them up against others, cos others should fade into insignificance- and then OPENLY comparing you to them,(in so many words this is what he's subtly trying to insinuate) to your face is pretty sh**ty behaviour IMO- you deserve better.HE sounds very manipulative and shallow- by insinuating he wants women who look a bit different to you and trying to get you to change for him, using your insecurities against you, doesnt signify love- bottom line.I think you really need to look at his behaviour clearly, and ask yourself- do you want someone who you know deep down wants you to change yourself, or someone who GENUINELY loves you for you- WHATEVER you look like, slim supermodel or average anne, this is the point- of course he's going to BS about being sorry and he didnt mean to upset you...Not worth it, i think you should take a LONG break from him, really work to truly finding your self- esteem, like denizen said. Keep going on DC- because I find reading, AND advising on this site does wonders for finding clarity and reinforcing how people should treat others- so give yourself the advice you would give others, to NOT let people make you feel inferior or insecure, for their own gain, which IS ehat this guy's doing. And it feels good that you at least gave someone advice from the heart and tried to help them. Good luck, dont mug yourself off!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 November 2015):
 No surgery. That is only for people who have disfigurements. Beauty starts on the inside. He has to value who you are. Importantly you have to value who you are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think it's something worth dumping, it's just a phase or a fantasy I think.
And @Denizen, I was just remembering the positive attributes I have as a woman and I ensured no man pulled me down. I start understanding myself a bit more and start learning to love my self as well by doing things that made me happy.
I personally don't like mixing my friends into situations like this, I leave it separate. I do tease a bit and work with what I've got hoping that will be all he wants, it works to a certain extent. He would tell me how much he adores my body and loves the way i am. But also encourages in the future that I should allow him to pay for me to get surgery on my body parts for his own pleasure. I don't understand how to feel about it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 November 2015):
Your situation isn't straight forward. First your insecurities have returned. When you were building yourself back up what were you doing? Have you stopped doing it? What is it going to take to get your self-respect back?
You may have to cut out more time for yourself. More interests, more time for 'Me' things. More nights out with the girls perhaps.
Secondly I think you have to tease your boyfriend about his busty fantasies. It is pretty funny after all.
I think going to USA probably is more about shopping and food. They are both cheaper than in UK, but there will be tax on anything he brings home.
There are curvaceous women in every country so don't get hung up about USA.
If he keeps on with this fixation about curvy girls tease him more, and do it in front of mutual friends too. He will get the point, particularly if your girlfriends join in.
From what you tell us it doesn't sound too serious atm so pick yourself up. There are many blokes who openly engage in a fantasy crush, just like women swooning openly over George Clooney or Jason Statham.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2015): I'm sorry your feeling down. But honestly I think you should dump him. One of my exes was the same way. Basically obsessed with the big butt tiny waist phenomenon that's going on now. I don't have a big bottom. He would stare at women in the street and constantly look at women on social media. He would make comments that I was pretty but he wished I had more butt. So I dumped him. I told him obviously I'm not what you want. Go find a big butt chic. Your boyfriend isn't going to stop looking at the chics on social media. He just won't do it while you're around. There's no point in being with someone who doesn't make you feel wanted. There are other guys out there that will appreciate your beauty.
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