A
female
age
30-35,
*eggiemoo72
writes:Hello Everyone, Had a rough couple of days and really wanted to ask any advice.I'm 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, still a virgin ... never really held hands with a guy. Only really told two guys I like them, both were pretty good friends- one used to like me and I missed my chance and the other jst saw me as a friend.Apart from that I have zero experience.I just wondered if anyone here feels the way I do or if I have an actual problem as I'm serously starting to worry. I am so terrified of intimacy. I shy away from it as it terrifies me. I feel awkward, scared, uncomfortable and a lot of the time freaked out and get teary at the thought of it. Sex just is completely out of the question- I can even IMAGINE it happening. Don't get me wrong I'd love to fall in love and I am th biggest romantic in the world but the thought of me actually DOING those things just seems too surreal- maybe because it's never happened yet.People back in school (I was always the smart one and was really into acting) used to always say I was so innocent and they found it hard to imagine me with a guy- yea, teenagers can be cruel I guess. Recently though someone said to me "you know who you remind me of? My grandma". Ouch. (They said it was because I am homely and motherly and always drinking tea but STILL ... not exactly what you want to hear).Let me explain- I'm tall, slimish, outgoing, unique (I have my ow style and interests and ideas), handworking and driven (I'm studying to be a barrister) and recently when someone I know asked me what my first boyfriend wa slike and I told her the truth she couldn't believe it. People don't GET it when I say I've never had a oyfriend and that nobody's shown any interest.I'm very frightened of intimacy and can't even put myself in a position where that may occur. I mean, I'd ratherNOT be in a position like that than give it a go and I play it safe a lot. I can't do what others do and go out to GET guys and I am completely incapable of being sexy or seductive or flirty. My mum knows this guy at hr work who is my age and she's certai we'd hit it off and she tried to set me up with hi yesterday. He even asked me out (he knows nothing about me xcept what my mum's said and what's on my Facebook) as he was in my area. I freaked out. The thought of going to meet up with him TERRIFIED me. I find things like that really difficult yet I'm very comfortable with guys (I live with two) but NOT when there's a chance of anything further than friends.I ened up in tears yesterday because I felt so stupid. Iwas embarassed that my mum tried to set me up, ashamed of mysef because I couldn't go (even my friend said she would have gone) and angry with my mum for putting me in that position. I know she meant well but I don't think she understands my fears. Going to see (as I mentioned previously) one of my friends that I'd TOLD I liked (took a LOTTTTTTTTT for me to do) took me nearly 12 attempts and when I saw him and spent just half n hour with him I was tense, terrified and like a cat in headlights.I feel so childish, so pathetic and I am so desperately lonely sometimes because I know in a way it's MY fault. I am so insecure about myself (although always appear confident, cheerful and bubbly- people always say so but it's inside I am insecure about my body etc) and in a way think it's ok I put barriers up because when people see how diffiult I find these kinds of things....they're gonna think I'm a loser.I am convinced that at my age and as my parents (eventhough as a joke) keep sayig they'd love grandkids, it's just NOT normal to be like this. People my age 20-21 are getting engaged or are dating or at least have EXPERIENCE...I've never even held a guy's hand. It's just tragic and what's worse is that I can't see it happening in the very near future either! It's going to take some spectacularly patient and unique guy to ever get me out of this, if that. Has anyone got any advice or experience anything similar?Thank you for reading (sorry it's so long) ....xxxx
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engaged, facebook, flirt, insecure, never had a boyfriend, shy, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): You need some practice at being relaxed in society. Why not join a non-competitive sporting or other social activity where you can socialise with others without all the baggage of impending romance.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): OMG, a spinster at 20 with NO CHANCE of ever finding a partner. Come on, stop the drama and get a life. I mean it.
Go out to the mall, dances, parties. Mingle and communicate with others. Tell them you are on the prowl, so to speak.
BTW, you're normal. You just need to let your tongue wag and your eyes to flirt. You know you have it in you. Just let it out. Express the inner temptress.
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Until recently I had been in the same situation, and I'm 22. Never had a boyfriend, and had only been kissed once. It was really upsetting, especially when I would get the chance to get to know someone better and ended up feeling like it wasn't right. It was really because I was afraid of letting my guard down and letting someone in, and always felt like people were only trying to take advantage of me, so maybe that's your problem too. The only way to really get over it is expose yourself to your fears, because once you see it's not so bad, you won't feel like you have a reason to be tense or nervous. Even if you do go out on a limb and it doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to, just consider it a learning experience in how to deal with other people. As long as you try to come across as confident, and see the kind of positive reaction it'll get, you'll eventually become more confident in yourself. Hope this helps, good luck.
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