A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About 6 months ago I disowned my father. He divorced my mother when I was 3 after cheating with a much younger woman. When I was 7 he went into prison for sexual harassment on school children (although he never touched me).We had a good relationship when I was little as he used to spoil me, but by the time I reached my teens and had a better understanding of his offenses he made me incredibly uncomfortable, but I tried to hide it from him.For the past year or so other aspects of my life have been much happier and more stable, and it made me realise that I don't love him, he's never been a real father and he's caused my family more pain than imaginable. I wrote him a very honest letter explaining that he was a negative influence on my life and I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. My brother still has contact with him, and admits that my father is obviously deeply hurt by my letter, as he didn't realise I felt that way.That was September, and although I don't regret doing it I often have anxiety dreams about my father and am occasionally overcome with guilt. I was wondering if anyone could shed some light on this, will I stop feeling bad about it or is it something I will have to live with forever? Has anyone else done something similar who can share their knowledge? Thanks
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female
reader, Th +, writes (7 September 2011):
Dear Female,
Not sure if you will now ever read this mail, but I hope you do. I have been in a similar situation from the age of 4 to 13. I loved my father and looked up and respected him in a way that I have never since been able to love or respect any of my family members in the same way since. It took years of abuse for me to pluck up the courage and tell someone.Unfortunately I never went to the police til 1998 which unbeknown to me he had already reoffended and was jailed in portugal. I went through years of waiting and thinking I had got over it to receive a call in 2006 (somewhat 7 years later) to say he had been arrested in Britain with regard to offences committed against myself. I was relieved, devastated, scared nervous and downright petrified. I had to attend court in 2007.During the year of 2006 I had lost a child to stillbirth, recovered from cervical cancer and also had to deal with this. I was unsure if I could go through with it as I suspect were the police and detectives involved. My faith in the police force and my treatment by them reassured me every step of the way that I was doing the right thing. (there are special men and women out there that are exceptional when dealing with theses case)I finally got my day with the man that I called Dad, the man I loved, respected looked up to and was equally petrified of. I got to face him and be brave enough to face my demons. I was surprised that I wasn't scared of him wary and revolted by him but not scared. See I am an adult now and I was in control of his future. I decided whether he went to prison of that I was of no doubt. There was no evidence so the fact that we was in court showed that the judisical system believed me. I didn't have to prove his guilt he admitted everything. Did I feel guilty No. I believe that for some it is an illness and they should receive help. That is not to say that I feel that they should be in public it only takes one event to change a persons life. A paedophile is in the minority and I feel they should be contained. I have no sympathy for my biological father as he has prevented me from having a normal life. I will never know what love is and if my feelings are normal as he has ruined that for me. I would never harm a child and feel it is unfair that abusees are judged. I feel sickened that I have a wonderful step father that deserves to be a dad is dying and that scum that stole my childhood and robbed me of being a teenager and destroyed my marriage and relationships with everyone is living. I have a child a beautiful wonderful intelligent loving child that I would rather die than let you see. Your punishment is I hate You, I hate you so much and really all you ever had was me. nOW YOU HAVE NOTHING AND I AM GLAD. I promise the day that man dies I will bury him with a blank stone on his grave so everyone wonders what he did. I hate him and I will meet him in hell if needs be. Do not ever feel sorry for someone that can rob you of a life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): This is a very hard question to answer and if I was honest, yes I do think you'll live with the guilt for a long time. However sadly in some situations there is no happy ending and this may well be the best solution, even if it isn't perfect - you do mention that many aspects of your life are happier now. If you think the situation can be improved or want it to be then you should perhaps consider talking to him about the crime and his reasons for commiting it. If you haven't already. It is an unforgivable crime but it may help you make your mind up about him and give you some closure. This can also apply to other events in your life, like him leaving you and your mum. When he dies that may be something you regret asking.Also although I can understand your family's reaction to this, if that is a large part of the reason you severed all contact and there was pressure put on you, try thinking clearly about what you want.At the end of the day whatever happens, so long as you aren't extremely hateful, bitter or depressed about it then you'll probably be alright. Living with those emotions for a long time can be very destructive. I think feeling slightly guilty in this situation is normal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): This is a very difficult post to answer, because you don't say exactly what is negative about your own relationship with your father, or how he has treated you personally badly (in a way that is distinct from leaving your mother, and his crimes). But basically, I think there are two sides to this.Firstly, your father needs to realize that his actions are going to have consequences for the rest of his life. There is such a social stigma associated with paedophilia that it's not a kind of guilt that you can ever completely wash off. I am sure that you have been very embarrassed by the circumstances he has created, and that your more extended family, particularly your mother, have been very hurt by his crimes. I am not surprised that you feel conflicted about his influence in your life. He has to realize that he can't just play 'happy families' after what has happened.However, I do think that you will find it in your heart to forgive him at some point in future. I say this because suffered direct abuse at the hands of a parent and when I was your age, I was mad as hell about it. I spent ten years wallowing in the pain of it, feeling that I was always going to be defined by the terrible things I'd been through. However, after a time I got sick of being the victim and to be honest I also got sick of being the judge. It was too much hard work, holding onto that grudge and being bitter. I finally realized that I had a choice: I could let the anger go, and forgive, and move on with my life and find my own path. I don't think I could have got there is anything under the 10 years it took me. But when I came to forgive, I was surprised to find that it wasn't so much that I was being kind and charitable to my parent but that I was being kind and charitable to myself. I was finally able to put everything behind me and move on as an independent adult, making my own choices and living with their consequences rather than being defined as a victim. All my feelings of guilt, the bad dreams, the anxiety melted away and I finally felt like a grownup for the first time.I'm not saying that this can happen quickly. Some pains take a long time to heal. Nor should you feel rushed into this, or obliged to have a relationship, before you are completely ready. All I'm saying is: give it time. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling angry, sad, depressed, anxious, or conflicted. Just go with it. You will heal, with time, but it's a longterm process and it's not always a smooth one. Good luck.
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