A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a very physically, verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for two years.After a handful of counseling visits, countless occurrences of being reprimanded at work for bringing my phone places so he could call and listen to where I was, countless ripped articles of clothing, bruises, chipped teeth, broken nose, sprained toes, items thrown at me, names slung at me (b*tch, wh*re, pr*stitute), accusation after accusation of infidelity, comparisons of my body about how I was inadequate compared to the other 52 women he had slept with, accusations of sleeping with any male I spoke with in the past (all male friends, *gone* at this point, because I told them he wasn't comfortable with me having male friends)...followed by gentle cheek kisses and being called a Princess in public....I finally got out. I did not tell anyone except for my therapist at the time what was going on inside the walls of our apartment. My family and best girlfriends do not even know - they just think that I was too stressed about being in a relationship because of the fact that I was a full time Master's Degree student and a full time employee at a company with layoffs thus facing double the work. - none of that bothered me, in all honesty.Now the problems come into my sexual life. Not only can I not focus while at work, my hands have started to shake and my heart feels like a butterfly is inside my chest for no reason - I'll be sitting at my desk. I cannot study for my courses and my grades (former straight A student) have fallen. There is trigger after trigger - a coworker says they need to talk to me and I feel like i will faint. Someone touches me on the shoulder and I feel like I could cry because I would have to "report" someone touching my shoulder to my ex. If I miss a phone call, my heart races. If I buy new clothing that is normal for a 26 year old woman, I tell myself that I'm a whore and put it back. As for the sexual problems, I have chosen not to pursue a relationship with anyone else the past few months because I really want to settle things inside of my heart and mind first - get back to who I was before I met that monster - someone who smiled at everyone, made friends with anyone, could speak comfortably to strangers and smiled for no reason at all. When I try to please myself, however, what makes me reach orgasm is imagining my ex and him telling me that he is married and having an affair with me. I feel sick, I feel perverted. I want nothing to do with him ever again. I have tried other fantasies in my mind, tried to imagine other men who I used to fancy...and what works is imagining him telling me that he is married but that I am better than his wife - no he is not married and no we are not in contact - he tries to contact me and I have changed my number, moved apartments and removed him from any social networking sites we were on. Oh my god, I feel ill typing this. What is wrong with me? When will I be able to even please mySELF without it coming back to him? Or at least have healthy fantasies?
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affair, at work, co-worker, emotionally abusive, infidelity, my ex, orgasm Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2010): To the anon guy.
Yes you dated one like that, and she moved on. But you helped her, right? Doesn't that give you a sense of satisfaction, despite having lost her? You helped her out of her nightmare. I am likewise involved with a woman that has been abused. I just want to help her and see her happy and smiling. If that involves her moving on once I work with her through all of her issues en route to a modicum of normalcy and her peace of mind, then so be it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2010): Don't fret it. They're all symptoms of post-event anxiety.
The jumpiness obviously so. Some of what you describe is a "anxiety attack" (also called a "panic attack"). Non-drug treatment for these is the bread and butter of councillors involved in treating post-traumatic stress disorders.
The fantasies are a dominance fantasy, a common fantasy where a person has been abused. It's not all one-way dominance either --"the best he's ever had" is you dominating him. It's not unexpected: a lot of your stress is from abuse of power, and that is the theme of sexual dominance.
You should be very careful about adding stress after an event like yours. You've got to let the spring unwind, and taking on additional work and somesuch won't end well. This is the time for looking after yourself with proper nutrition and sleep patterns, and for developing new exercise-oriented hobbies. Work comes second for a while.
As for boys, the universe sort that one out, using its own timetable. Not wanting a relationship is fine. But please don't use your experience as a reason to be mean to those who ask, let them down honestly but nicely.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): The problem with getting into another relationship is that she obviously isn't ready. I agree that it would be good to be reminded of the good in people, but now isn't necessarily the time. I've dated girls who had just gotten out of abusive relationships. I've helped them cope with their issues and move on. But guess what, they do just that, move on. The "nice guy" that was so much help often gets left behind once most of the issues are worked out. They were a tool, a rebound. That isn't very fair either.
To the OP. Some of your issues will remain with you forever. Learning how to cope with them in a healthy way is what is important. I sincerely hope that you are able to do that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): to the anon guy that refuted my post,I think she needs a new reference point. All she knows is this guy. Some women live with a wrong so long, that they don't even know what right is anymore.So she needs to be reminded.This rugged individualism hokum is all well and good, but some people need help to get out of their situations. If you leave them to their own devices, many will inevitably fall back on old habits and/or perceptions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): I don't agree with the advice to find someone, a nice guy, right now. Now you need to be working through the issues you've laid out. Continued counciling should help. Anti-anxiety medication may also help.
As for your fantasies, I wouldn't be too worried. I think your abusive relationship may have tripped someting inside you that you didn't really know was there. For now, do what you need to to get off. I've fantasized about past relationships, it's normal, even if the relationship was abusive.
Someone who dominates in the way he did, brain washes you. It takes time for that to be un-done. Try to find what it was you liked and go from there. Don't rush yourself. This could take quite a bit of time to heal from. Likely, some of the issues this has caused will never fully go away, but you will learn how to deal with them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Hello its normal for abused people to have this happen while having sexual experiences. Alsorts of thoughts will pop into your head about the ex abuser, including scenarios as you describe. You are reacting perfectly normally so please stop beating yourself up about it.
You need to go back to counselling and finish a course, not go a few times and think you are better or leave it after a few sessions because you dont think its working. These things take time and patience and you are worth it, so try again please.
As for the jumpiness you mention. That sounds like anxiety. Go and speak to your doctor and explain your symptoms, he will be able to help. Also try acupuncture. Find a good local therapist and briefly explain why you are there and what you hope to achieve with acupuncture. That can help a great deal. Also, do some research yourself into recovery from abuse. You will find alot of information on the subject and im sure it will help you understand that what you are going throught now is normal. Youve kept things to yourself and bottled it all up. Its really not a healthy thing to do. Start talking about it to people. Its a load you cant carry on your own and by sharing it, it will make things easier for you. Trust me, talking is the key. You will feel better soon if you act now and get all the help you need sweetheart, so do it. A Mum xx
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 March 2010):
 You have done the very necessary and important thing -- you have completely removed this person from your life, changed you number, relocated. Those are essential first steps; be proud that you've done them. Be proud and glad that you have recognized what a hideous thing was going on, and that you have started to move on.
At the same time, be patient with yourself. You lived, you coped with that situation for an interminable time. God forbid, his abusive self imprinted itself on you. You couldn't have coped otherwise. It will take time to work that out of your system. In the meantime, you have needs.
There will come a time when you become emotionally healthy again. And you will meet a decent person who respects you. Understand that the walk from where you have been to where you want to be won't be all sweetness -- what he did to you prevents that. Your fantasies will be odd for a while, but you still need them. Accept that they're fantasies, that you *don't* want them in real life, but for the time being they work for you. It's part of the healing process.
Don't feel ill. Give yourself a hearty pat on the back, because you've done something that too few women do -- you've walked away, and started to reclaim your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Listen, your world has been so impacted by this guy, that its teetering on its axis. You need a man who is patient, understanding, exceedingly gentle, and respectful of your boundaries.
You tried the bad boy angle, yes? Wasn't so fun? Go the opposite. Find someone that is everything he was not. Someone that can help you to redefine your world, because right now your world is still fully defined by this scum bag woman beater.
And don't fantasize about such a monster. He is still dominating you even though you have escaped. So in essence, you haven't yet escaped. Don't be afraid to accept help.. You may not be able to do this one on your own.
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