A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and I can't get out!I'm a university student and the most I struggle with is the odd panic attack about dying, but since being back at home they are getting worse and I think it's to do with being back.I'm trying to save for uni and due to unfortunate events I couldn't stay at my previous job which paid well and gave me all the hours I desired with days off, but since leaving I'm having to work two jobs and rarely have a day off and worse yet still don't seem to get much money out of it. When I do get time with my partner he seems more interested in playing games on his phone than spending time with me. And my family seem to lodging so many people and have lots of people come up and visit all times of the day and night that I just don't seem to have any space to myself and can't talk to my mum because she's either to busy dealing with everyone else problems or trying to look after herself (she has a lung disease). Then there's my best friend, she is a constant negative, even if something positive happens to her she manages to only see the bad side of it. She will be starting at the same uni as me this year which also worries me. She's not the type of person you can talk to, she only looks for solutions rather than just be the shoulder you need to listen, but when I plan to meet with other people or make new friends she gets jealous, she feels like she is being left out which I feel really bad about but sometimes it's nice to be able to talk to people without her input as she only puts in negative input. An example of it is that she's not worried to bring up peoples past that they are ashamed off. And has previously shared parts of my history that I don't want brining up to others. I'd planned to meet up with a friend I haven't seen since last year and she got jealous and managed to get herself invited, I know she'll be a constant at mine when I'm at uni and I'm worried it will destroy my positive relationships with friends there. I just feel like I'm stuck in a bubble and can't get out at the moment. On top of all of this I'm hardly sleeping because I keep getting panic attacks. I know this is advice on relationships but I really hope someone could help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): You're facing what most struggling working-students face. Little time, too much to do, and too little money! Been there, done that!
It's not a rut, it's part of growth and being initiated into adulthood. Learning the in's and out's of survival. Taking-on responsibility for yourself. Dealing with day to day life.
When you feel overwhelmed, that means it's time for a breather; and you also need some medical-attention.
You're full of anxiety, stress, exhaustion; and your mind hardly rests. You don't mention whether you're a full-time or part-time student. You may have to take-on a smaller course-load to stay within your budget. You should also apply for grants, financial-aide, and scholarships.
You need a break from that friend. She's an unnecessary strain, and has too many of her own issues that may need some counseling. You don't set boundaries; she oversteps her place. She takes ownership of your time, instead of respecting your space. She doesn't mind hurting you; but you feel setting boundaries and guidelines will hurt her. How so? If you don't take control of your own time, she will.
Back to more important things that are causing you angst. She's the least of your worries. She's not really a friend; she's a user and butt-in-ski. You've spoiled her! She doesn't see any boundaries, so she takes-over. You need to limit time and space with her.
I would even suggest that you go online to do some research; and seek women's organizations that that offer mentoring and guidance from successful women, or women who are achieving and want to help young ladies like you. That can lead you to paying-internships or tuition-assistance. Even a job!
If you have a faith-system and center of worship; add some prayer and meditation into your life. If you have a belief-system and never turn to it; sometimes you feel lost, off-center and hopeless. The spirit and the soul also needs rejuvenation. If you don't believe, you can ignore this suggestion. If you do, it can't hurt!
You need good diet and sleep. If your parents have a busy house; you need to talk to them, and tell them what you're going through. Stop expecting others to pull your through your so-called rut. They can only give you support, but as you can see; the world is just as busy around them, as it is for you. You can only do so much at one time. When it starts to break your back, you have to sort-out your priorities. You have to have a job. It pays for school, feeds you, and pays the bills. You also must adjust your courses to avoid burnout! Which is what you've described, not a rut!
If your academic course-load is too much, you have to take fewer courses each semester to be able to afford them. You are too prone to anxiety to deal with so many stressful demands at the same-time. If two jobs aren't paying the bills; it means you may not be budgeting well, and spending within your limited income. Mostly, you have neglected your health; that's why you're feeling it. So you need a full physical and mental-health evaluation. You have to give-up one of the jobs; and find "one" that pays better. Sit down with your counselor at school. Workout a reasonable course curriculum.
It may be possible to find on-campus employment. It comes at a premium, but keep your eyes peeled on the bulletins. You can even offer your services to be an administrative-assistant for a faculty member, or apply for a position to work in the university administrative-offices, or library. Keep doing it, until an opening comes along.
Young people tend to dread and avoid their grandparents, or elderly relatives. Like older people are disgusting to them. Well, someday you'll be old too! So get used to spending time with them. If they are living close-by; they may lease or offer you a room to sleep and study. It's always quiet, and all they may need from you is some company, run a few errands; and a little help financially. I'd check that out; they might be happy to have you around. You may find some peace and quiet!
Try not to become too dependent on therapy. You have to have mental-health maintenance and rest, most assuredly; but not always with pills, and visits that will demand more time than you have. Missing visits that are vital and necessary for the upkeep of your overall-health, defeats the purpose of having doctors. If you're on a program, be sure to commit yourself to it. Not wait until you're a hot mess, and need major-repair!
When you go to therapy, make it count. Open-up to your therapist; and tell him or her what's going on. Don't just show-up and sit there complaining; or going-off on a tangent venting. Be specific. Tell them how you feel; and what's happening in your life to make you feel that way. Then you can discuss a different approach to your therapy, be referred to another specialist; or a change in medication or dosage can be prescribed, if you are on drug-therapy.
You still have to deal with life as an adult. Pills and doctors can't do that for you; but they can help you to manage your anxiety, and minimize your stress.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 July 2018):
 It sounds like your panick attacks are caused by anxiety. Which can become worse when we are stressed out about different situations. You need to look in to booking yourself with a therapist for CBT treatment and hopefully you can take control off your panick attacks.
It can be difficult working two jobs, but I am assuming it is short term before you go back to Uni so I would stick with it as best you can and try and save as much as you can. I know it can be difficult but the end results will be worth it.
Have you spoke to your partner about how you feel? Communication is key here and it is important that you be open and honest with him. Tell him how upset it makes you that he sits on his phone while you are together and that you would like to be able to talk more. He might not know what to say or do to help you, but the least he can do is lend an ear and be a shoulder to cry on if you need! Also remember it is important to talk to him and ask him how he is feeling. Do you have your own bedroom at your mum and dads house? If so remember you always have that space if you need some time just to relax and be on your own. Am sure if you need to talk all you need to do is mention it to your mother. She may be busy and have her own problems but am sure she would prefer if you spoke to her instead of bottling everything up. Talking really can make everything seem so much better.
I can understand your frustration with your friend. I know a few people who are very negative and it can become draning. Unfortunately this is who she is and there is no way off changing that so you need to either learn to deal with it or find another best friend. Her way off trying to help you is probably by offering solutions as she might not know how to just be there for you. Use are adults so her getting jealous off you having other friends is ridiculous. It sounds to me like she might have very low self esteem and that could be why she is so negative all the time as well. It sounds like she is scared to loose you as a friend. Do you ever reassure her that her friendship means a lot to you? I can understand you wanting to spend time with other friends, and I can also understand why she would feel left out. When she is bringing up peoples pasts, it could be a case that she is doing so to make herself feel better, while I don't agree with doing this it could be a case that she also needs a friend to talk to. You say she has shared parts about your past you didn't want her to, but have you actually told her this? Maybe you need to be more clear to her and tell her you want to keep certain things private. If you feel you need to take a step back from the friendship then you need to be honest with her and tell her. There is no point stressing that she will always be at your place. You need to just tell her the truth, I understand that you don't want to upset her, but you also need to be honest to her for your own sake. Everything will seem so much worse for you at the moment because of the anxiety and lack of sleep. Make an appointment with the doctor to get this sorted first and get referred to CBT and then life might not look so bad when you are recovering.
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