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female
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anonymous
writes:I am confused about my future. I have been in a relationship with my bf for almost a year now. I am 20 years old and he is 25. Lately he has been talking about getting married and having kids, within the next few years!!!! To me that is very scary because I am only 20 years old and dont feel I am old enough to be having kids just yet. Marriage...something I am considering though. I have told him that I dont feel I will be ready to have kids till I am probably about 30. He says he doesnt want to be an "old parent" and wants to have them before he turns 30.The thing is, even if I wanted to get married and have kids within the next few years like he does...its not either relaly viable with the stage of life I am. I will be graduating from university next month and soI havent even had a full time job yet. Before having kids I want to save up lots of money so I can support them with no worries. Also, I want to start my career and gain experience in my profession and I cant do that if I graduate from university then have kids a couple or few years later!Also I have been invited to come back to university next year to take part in this academic course which is really an honour. Only 10 people get invited to do this, so this is a great opportunity for me and I really want to accept, but my bf has all these plans for us and I cant do both at the same time if I am going to still be at university for another year.I dont know what to do.He doesnt want to wait...why cant he wait? I dont undrstand how waiting a bit longer would be so bad if I am truly the person he says he wants to be with for the rest of his life? If he leaves me because of this then I would feel that our relationship didnt mean that much to him. Any advice?
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male
reader, RosesAreRed86  +, writes (3 November 2009):
Wild Thaing sums it up well. "Dear, this is your life, and the path of this life is yours alone to decide."That being said, you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's time for you to do some serious soul-searching about what it is that you truly want out of life. That being said, sometimes life takes you in directions you never thought it would and while they may seem very scary and unexpected at the time, they may in fact be far more rewarding than the script you had written out in your head. One thing I will add that I have learned from my own life experience, is that there is no finer thing in life than love and if you truly love someone and let them leave you life, all your other ventures will seem shallow and unfulfilling because there will be a hole in your soul that nothing else will fill. Also, to answer your question, you can have both marriage and an education. Just maybe not with the boyfriend you currently have. Also bear in mind that even though it may be difficult to juggle kids and school, having children does not necessarily preclude you from getting an education as you might think.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): Good advice from the posters here. Just want to add that you seem to be realizing that you and your boyfriend have some different values. He and his friends value partying while wifey stays home with the kids, you don't want to have that lifestyle when you have children and I certainly agree with you there.I also agree that if you want to pursue your education before settling down and having kids then that is what you should do. It happens a lot at your age where relationships simply do not work out because of timing and where people are in their lives and what they want to do or need to do to have a career. So you may be finding that this relationship is not meant to last forever.The other thing to consider that after the year you have left in school, you can still have children and work at a job, many many women do it. It isn't easy though, but it can be worked out.So, I would just talk it out with him and maybe make a life plan and see if he can agree to it, that is if you think he is the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. I do think you both have to have joint agreements going forward into marriage, both of you have to be enthusiastically agreed about these kinds of decisions for the life you will build together, otherwise resentment could settle in when someone has to give up something they really think they have to have. He can't have the kids he is dependent on you for that and in my opinion he should fit your schedule for having kids, after all, he can't shell them out without you.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (3 November 2009):
 Dear, this is your life, and the path of this life is yours alone to decide. You are not married, so that removes a very large complicating factor.I have a friend who was getting pressure from her older boyfriend just as she was headed off to her PhD. Like you, she highly values her educational opportunity because it is the foundation for her career. Faced with a guy who just didn't get it, she ditched him, and remains very much in control of her life.If your boyfriend is making plans, he is showing complete disrespect for your goals and aspirations. And he's not even married to you!Listen to your inner voice. I think you know what it is saying. Act on it, or ignore it at your peril. Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice.Yeah I dont think I would be happy if I didnt get to further my education. Its really importnat to me and I like to be mentally challenged and stimulated. I dont really understand my bf's point of view, I admit that. Because if say we wait until I have had a chance to finish my education and start a career, I think I'll be ready by about 30, and that would make him 35. I dont think that is really that old for having kids. These days more and more people arent having kids till there 40s. Part of me doesnt feel he is even ready anyway. I dont think he realy sees marriage and a family for what it truly is. He has a few friends who are married with kids and they make the worst husbands and fathers I have ever seen. They go out clubbing and partying every friday and saturday night every week with their guy friends, leaving their wives and children at home. My bf enjoys that lifestyle too (although he doesnt do it as often as them) and I think he probably thinks marriage life would be no different, when I believe it should be. I dont want to be maried to a guy who is going to leave me every wekeend and go out geting completely drunk and partying wiht his friends non stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2009): The two of you need to sit down and really talk this out. It may take more than one time. He may be pushing you because he may be worried that the more you develop what you want, the less likely he is to get what he wants, and that there's a real danger that your relationship may not last.He may not relaize it (but I bet he does) that he's being controling in this interest. You're needs are no less important than his, and you have a real oppurtunity. This is what being in a realtionship is all about in the modern world. Do not give up on your dreams! It doesn't take looking too long to see old bitter women who did that, and you don't need to be planting the seeds for that. I'd rather see you work something out, than in 10 years from now going back as a single mom.GOOD LUCK! Stick to your guns Girl!
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